You know when you have an epiphany? When you just realize something that has been in front of you the entire time and you should have seen it but didn't?
That's me. That's where I am at.
I could care.
But I don't anymore.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Better than this.
You know when you have an epiphany? When you just realize something that has been in front of you the entire time and you should have seen it but didn't?
That's me. That's where I am at.
I could care.
But I don't anymore.
I sat there today trying to distract myself from what it was I thought I should feel about the entire situation. And I realized I cannot care any more. I have been saying that alot. But I mean it.
He is an ass.
I am not.
I am much too good for that.
End of story.
I got over it :)
I told Robin I want a revenge boyfriend.
But really, I am just happy to be me.
And lately, I've just been really happy!
Fabulous! Fabulous!
That's me. That's where I am at.
I could care.
But I don't anymore.
I sat there today trying to distract myself from what it was I thought I should feel about the entire situation. And I realized I cannot care any more. I have been saying that alot. But I mean it.
He is an ass.
I am not.
I am much too good for that.
End of story.
I got over it :)
I told Robin I want a revenge boyfriend.
But really, I am just happy to be me.
And lately, I've just been really happy!
Fabulous! Fabulous!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Changing My Story.
Grey's Anatomy slayed me tonight. I lost it. Good thing it was 2am and nobody was awake. The scene that seems to just narrate my life?
Owen: Nice work today.
Cristina: Nice work today! Seriously?
Owen: I'm sorry?
Cristina: Run to my truck. You got O'malley clipping bleeders, and you're telling me to run to your truck.
Owen: You know what my truck looks like. O'malley doesn't. But, that... that run you took saved the guys life.
Cristina: Yeah, well all day, all day you were teaching O'Malley and you ignored me.
Owen: O'Malley wants to be a trauma surgeon. You've already declared cardio. I didn't do anything wrong today. I treated you like I would anyone else.
Cristina: (pushes him) I am not like anyone else. Take care now? What is that? What are you like, you're not happy now? What... what are you? You know, just a choke 'em and forget 'em kind of guy?
Owen: (pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Cristina)
Cristina: Hey there now. Take care now. Nice work Yang. What is this?
Owen: It's my shrink. My shrink gave me these sentences. We ah, we came up with them together. They're all 3 word sentences. So I could have something to say to you instead of the 3 words that are... that are killing me. The 3 words that you know I feel but I can't say them, because it would be cruel to say them, because I am no good for you. I don't wanna torture you. I don't wanna look at you longingly when I know I can't be with you. So, yeah I'm smiling, and I'm saying take care now. I'm letting you off the hook. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to let you off the hook. I'm trying to make it right. What I did to you. Can't you see that? I'm just trying to make it right.
Cristina: (gives the paper back) Take care now.
I made the decision everyday this week to wake up happy. I'll continue with that decision. Because I don't want to be one of those girls who plays the victim all the time. I want to be the heroine of my own story. And yeah. Alot of really really shitty things have happened over the past 3 years and especially the past 6 months. And alot of the things that happened were my fault. And alot of them were out of my control.
But I can choose to overcome them. So I am.
But I've got to be honest. It's late at night when I get weak. When I am all alone and by myself and I have stopped being so busy that I can barely think. I like being so busy that I can barely think. Because then I don't think about Idaho or Arizona or Preston or my parents or my family or being sick...and I can just breathe in the way you breathe when the music in the car is so loud that you can't do anything but pay attention to the road and mouth the words to the song. But I think the problem with distraction is that it only works for so long.
I'm pretty sure that's why last year happened. I distracted myself long enough until I was on the river and couldn't really distract myself anymore and had to confront alot of things. And then I distracted myself some more. And I think I am just scared to fix things in my life. Which of course seems ridiculous. But it's because I have to find a reason for it all. And I am afraid to know what that reason is. Because I don't know if finding a reason behind it ever changes anything. It just offers perspective. Which is good. It's good to get perspective. But it changes nothing, really.
So I'm going to wake up happy every morning. Because I deserve to. And because I lived through everything. There's something I am meant to do. And I want to be a survivor, so I can help people. So I am going to wake up happy tomorrow. Because it's Friday. And it is my sister's birthday. And I love her. So it will be a good day.
Owen: Nice work today.
Cristina: Nice work today! Seriously?
Owen: I'm sorry?
Cristina: Run to my truck. You got O'malley clipping bleeders, and you're telling me to run to your truck.
Owen: You know what my truck looks like. O'malley doesn't. But, that... that run you took saved the guys life.
Cristina: Yeah, well all day, all day you were teaching O'Malley and you ignored me.
Owen: O'Malley wants to be a trauma surgeon. You've already declared cardio. I didn't do anything wrong today. I treated you like I would anyone else.
Cristina: (pushes him) I am not like anyone else. Take care now? What is that? What are you like, you're not happy now? What... what are you? You know, just a choke 'em and forget 'em kind of guy?
Owen: (pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Cristina)
Cristina: Hey there now. Take care now. Nice work Yang. What is this?
Owen: It's my shrink. My shrink gave me these sentences. We ah, we came up with them together. They're all 3 word sentences. So I could have something to say to you instead of the 3 words that are... that are killing me. The 3 words that you know I feel but I can't say them, because it would be cruel to say them, because I am no good for you. I don't wanna torture you. I don't wanna look at you longingly when I know I can't be with you. So, yeah I'm smiling, and I'm saying take care now. I'm letting you off the hook. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to let you off the hook. I'm trying to make it right. What I did to you. Can't you see that? I'm just trying to make it right.
Cristina: (gives the paper back) Take care now.
I made the decision everyday this week to wake up happy. I'll continue with that decision. Because I don't want to be one of those girls who plays the victim all the time. I want to be the heroine of my own story. And yeah. Alot of really really shitty things have happened over the past 3 years and especially the past 6 months. And alot of the things that happened were my fault. And alot of them were out of my control.
But I can choose to overcome them. So I am.
But I've got to be honest. It's late at night when I get weak. When I am all alone and by myself and I have stopped being so busy that I can barely think. I like being so busy that I can barely think. Because then I don't think about Idaho or Arizona or Preston or my parents or my family or being sick...and I can just breathe in the way you breathe when the music in the car is so loud that you can't do anything but pay attention to the road and mouth the words to the song. But I think the problem with distraction is that it only works for so long.
I'm pretty sure that's why last year happened. I distracted myself long enough until I was on the river and couldn't really distract myself anymore and had to confront alot of things. And then I distracted myself some more. And I think I am just scared to fix things in my life. Which of course seems ridiculous. But it's because I have to find a reason for it all. And I am afraid to know what that reason is. Because I don't know if finding a reason behind it ever changes anything. It just offers perspective. Which is good. It's good to get perspective. But it changes nothing, really.
So I'm going to wake up happy every morning. Because I deserve to. And because I lived through everything. There's something I am meant to do. And I want to be a survivor, so I can help people. So I am going to wake up happy tomorrow. Because it's Friday. And it is my sister's birthday. And I love her. So it will be a good day.
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