a line allows progress, a circle does not.

I have thrown off my sleep schedule somehow. I don't sleep in a bed anymore either. Instead I sleep on the couch. It is a comfortable couch - but my bed is comfortable, too. I think I feel less alone in the living room for some reason. Less alone sleeping on a couch then crawling into an empty bed in the middle of an empty house. That, and I usually fall asleep watching a movie.

I keep thinking about three words written on a piece of paper. It was a simple assignment - outlining a chapter and turning in a summary for an introductory education class. Why the professor chose to write these three words and return the single sheet of paper to me that day is beyond me. I first was a bit insulted by his simple question posed there in the white margin, written innocently in blue ink. But now I don't know whether to blame him for catalyzing this or thank him for providing perspective. It was just three simple words. Three simple words posing a very simple question: Are you happy?

I am in the process of making the answer to that question positive. Because life is hard, but it shouldn't be that hard. And when I look around me, I have so many things to be grateful for. And it has taken me a long time to accept that it doesn't matter how much stuff you have - real happiness comes from somewhere deep inside. And real happiness comes from being happy with yourself. I have preoccupied myself these past few years trying too hard to make other people see me a certain way and trying to make other people feel a certain way that I have ignored the answer to that question.

I have always been somebody who doesn't acknowledge the existance of something until I, myself, have said it out loud. And truthfully, that was the hardest part.

Things will be okay.
I am going home for my favorite holiday.
I am going to sit on the beach next to my family and dig my toes in the sand and watch the fireworks over the ocean...and I am going to be okay. My dad told me that is why God made families - so that we could all be there for each other.

I have a hard time admitting I need anybody. Somehow I feel weak when I do. Maybe more vulnerable rather than weak. Because I like to be the one needed. I try to not make it too obvious that I need you either. But I think I do.

I know things happen for a reason. And that we all have free agency to make choices and make wrong choices. And while my wrong choices were completely wrong choices, I am grateful that I can recognize that. And fix them. And fix me.

...when I was little I wanted to be a motivational speaker. Because of something I was told once, I have always known in one way or another I'd fulfill that aspiration. Either way, I needed motivation. And I found it in three simple words making up a simple question with a not-so-simple answer.

Are you happy?
Answer honestly. Because lying about it only hurts yourself. Trust me. I know.

Everything else is irrelevant to the story so far...

Tonight was the first time my father and I have had an actual conversation about something important in my life. I think this may be the turning point for our relationship. I also think I realized just how much I need a dad. I think things are going to be okay.

I need to find a cheap plane ticket.
I want to see the fireworks over the beach this 4th of July.

tear me off a piece of blanket.

I have sat here for a good hour trying to think of what to say. And then typing something and deleting it and typing something else. And I just give up. I have a million thoughts racing through my head. And a hundred thousand words I want to speak but don't know how to say. I think I am having an off day. But I took care of the things I needed to take care of. Well, the easy things.

I think I may take a semester extra to graduate. I was very gung-ho about the whole April graduation thing. But even if I do summer semester next year I will still student teach in the fall. I am just tired of being the one making all the sacrifices. Honestly, I am just tired.

She doesn't understand. So typical.

I just can't see further than my own nose at this moment...

I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am

notice a trend? there isn't anything there.
there isn't anything here.
and when I told him that, he answered perfectly.

I think God knew I needed somebody like him when I went through something like this. When I got a blessing tonight I was told that this was the path I was intended to be on. And that I was strong enough to be here. I don't know if he actually said that last part, but thats what I think he said.

My dad called last night. And I just couldn't tell him. Because I didn't know how he would react. I have always been cautious of how people view me and I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. It was Father's Day. And it's not now. So I'll tell him.

I want some Ginger Ale. I was thinking today when I bought the Ginger Ale that I don't like ginger very much. And how Ginger Ale doesn't taste alot like ginger. So I like Ginger Ale but not ginger. Or sushi.

I think things will get better. But until they do not many people are very understanding. Granted I don't say much. And I think I just expect people to not be understanding. I'm pretty sure that's why my last email to Preston I told him everything. And then told him that he can back out and I would understand. Normally, when I say things like that I want the guy to tell me he'll never back out. And normally, the plan backfires in my face and I end up alone when I really just need somebody to be there. So that is what I was expecting today. But he told me he is in. One hundred percent in. And he may not be perfect. But Preston is perfect for me.

I can't think of anything else to write. So I guess I better just go to bed. Goodnight.

I know I am alone with or without you...

Is there truth in your pain? You decide.

I slept for 14 hours today. And then cleaned my house. I like the berry smelling powder I sprinkle on the carpet before I vacuum. It is a very soothing smell.

My mom has called me everyday now. I feel bad about that. But I knew it would happen. I miss her, so I am okay with it.

I threw away the flowers on my front porch. Jared told me that I had to water them everyday and pick off the dead parts and I didn't listen. And they all died. Maybe it didn't help that I half-assed their actual planting because I was using one arm to do it. Or maybe its because everything escalated from there and I forgot about them because I haven't been out my front door in at least a week. Whatever the reason, they are dead.

I never was a great gardener. Probably because I didn't try very hard. I'll just get some more and plant them in the box so it doesn't look so empty.

I should call Matt and find out when little Lily's baby blessing is. I am terrible at keeping in touch with people. Absolutely terrible.

I am going to Mer and Brent's in about 10 minutes. I miss my best friend. And my other best friend. When they were my best friends. All my best friends moved away. Or are on missions. Or are married to each other.

I want somebody to talk to. Hold a physical conversation face to face. Ah, well. I guess that is what Tuesday is for. People never are how they seem. If you are reading this, remember that.

I am nervous.

But tomorrow I'll do something to get it taken care of.
I think I finally have the guts to confront it.
You should never fix what isn't broken.
But you shouldn't ignore something when it is.
Relief: that's what this feels like.

A clean getaway

I love Grey's. There are very few things I 100% relate to. This show, as stupid as it sounds, is one of those few things.I wish I could change so many things: my temper, my irrational reaction to things, my constant need to be needed. I wish I could be different. I hate that I recognize my flaws, yet feel complacent in them. I wish so many things were different. Mostly I wish I were different. Because laying on the couch living vicariously through a TV show is hardly cutting it. Life changes in a blink. So I need to stop closing my eyes so tight, afraid of what I'll see and let change come as it may. I crave change. That's why I'm so terrified of it

Come to bed.

I like this video.
More importantly, I like the concept behind this video.
I miss Preston.
Long-distance love makes even a twin-sized bed seem lonely.

Too much.

I really dislike when people use me. I try really hard not to use people. Which is most likely why I get the shaft so often. Because I don't like to use people. And they like to use me. And I am nice so I say yes. Well, yes no more. I am too tired of it.

Maybe I am just too tired in general. Sleep has been sparse these past few nights. And yet I still survive. Life could be much worse, I know that for sure. It also could pick up a bit to tell you the truth.

I am halfway there to fixing things.
Further left to do:
-quit Tuscany
-finish out BRC's
-do something (anything) about volleyball
-catch up on homework
-learn to say NO

On that note, Goodnight.
PS. I bought a new computer since my old one seemed to be having a nervous breakdown. I like it. Alot.

Long Division.

I distinctly remember never saying thanks for things I truly love in my prayers at night because once I did, they were gone. I thought maybe it was a trick God was playing on me. I remember in high school I rarely prayed, but I remember one prayer vividly. I thanked God for my boyfriend at the time. The next day he broke up with me. I was pissed. Sometimes that is in the back of my mind when I go to pray at night and I thank God for Preston...in fact it was in the back of my head last night.

I seem to have an extraordinary sense of things that are going to happen in my future. Last week I knew something was wrong, I just couldn't figure it out. I put it out of my mind. Waking up this morning to that was definitely what I didn't need. And I can't tell if I am more upset that he said it or if I just have lost faith in it. Because when he tried to explain it more and make it okay, I just didn't feel okay.

I still don't feel okay. And I don't know why. Maybe because I have been putting hope in something that deep down I feel may most likely not happen. Because it doesn't seem to be working. And I haven't ever admitted that. But who is to say what is right and what is wrong? And why does something feel right one moment and not right the next? Why did this upset me so much?

Maybe it's like what Tyler and I were talking about last night. Maybe it's not. Either way, I am not one to give up on what I love most. So I'll just go back to what I did before. And not worry about this crap until next year.

Easier said than done.
I think the reason I like JD Salinger so much is because I relate to all his characters. While filling out my midterm for that class this morning I realized. I am a banannafish. Pure and true.

Hey Karma - remember when I told you I was a good person? What happened?

Dear Karma,

I am a very good person. Seriously. Remember that, please.