Long Division.

I distinctly remember never saying thanks for things I truly love in my prayers at night because once I did, they were gone. I thought maybe it was a trick God was playing on me. I remember in high school I rarely prayed, but I remember one prayer vividly. I thanked God for my boyfriend at the time. The next day he broke up with me. I was pissed. Sometimes that is in the back of my mind when I go to pray at night and I thank God for Preston...in fact it was in the back of my head last night.

I seem to have an extraordinary sense of things that are going to happen in my future. Last week I knew something was wrong, I just couldn't figure it out. I put it out of my mind. Waking up this morning to that was definitely what I didn't need. And I can't tell if I am more upset that he said it or if I just have lost faith in it. Because when he tried to explain it more and make it okay, I just didn't feel okay.

I still don't feel okay. And I don't know why. Maybe because I have been putting hope in something that deep down I feel may most likely not happen. Because it doesn't seem to be working. And I haven't ever admitted that. But who is to say what is right and what is wrong? And why does something feel right one moment and not right the next? Why did this upset me so much?

Maybe it's like what Tyler and I were talking about last night. Maybe it's not. Either way, I am not one to give up on what I love most. So I'll just go back to what I did before. And not worry about this crap until next year.

Easier said than done.
I think the reason I like JD Salinger so much is because I relate to all his characters. While filling out my midterm for that class this morning I realized. I am a banannafish. Pure and true.