a line allows progress, a circle does not.

I have thrown off my sleep schedule somehow. I don't sleep in a bed anymore either. Instead I sleep on the couch. It is a comfortable couch - but my bed is comfortable, too. I think I feel less alone in the living room for some reason. Less alone sleeping on a couch then crawling into an empty bed in the middle of an empty house. That, and I usually fall asleep watching a movie.

I keep thinking about three words written on a piece of paper. It was a simple assignment - outlining a chapter and turning in a summary for an introductory education class. Why the professor chose to write these three words and return the single sheet of paper to me that day is beyond me. I first was a bit insulted by his simple question posed there in the white margin, written innocently in blue ink. But now I don't know whether to blame him for catalyzing this or thank him for providing perspective. It was just three simple words. Three simple words posing a very simple question: Are you happy?

I am in the process of making the answer to that question positive. Because life is hard, but it shouldn't be that hard. And when I look around me, I have so many things to be grateful for. And it has taken me a long time to accept that it doesn't matter how much stuff you have - real happiness comes from somewhere deep inside. And real happiness comes from being happy with yourself. I have preoccupied myself these past few years trying too hard to make other people see me a certain way and trying to make other people feel a certain way that I have ignored the answer to that question.

I have always been somebody who doesn't acknowledge the existance of something until I, myself, have said it out loud. And truthfully, that was the hardest part.

Things will be okay.
I am going home for my favorite holiday.
I am going to sit on the beach next to my family and dig my toes in the sand and watch the fireworks over the ocean...and I am going to be okay. My dad told me that is why God made families - so that we could all be there for each other.

I have a hard time admitting I need anybody. Somehow I feel weak when I do. Maybe more vulnerable rather than weak. Because I like to be the one needed. I try to not make it too obvious that I need you either. But I think I do.

I know things happen for a reason. And that we all have free agency to make choices and make wrong choices. And while my wrong choices were completely wrong choices, I am grateful that I can recognize that. And fix them. And fix me.

...when I was little I wanted to be a motivational speaker. Because of something I was told once, I have always known in one way or another I'd fulfill that aspiration. Either way, I needed motivation. And I found it in three simple words making up a simple question with a not-so-simple answer.

Are you happy?
Answer honestly. Because lying about it only hurts yourself. Trust me. I know.