Urgency.

I just read this post where a guy visually draws out a 90 year life. And I feel such an urgency to live right now. I want a family. Why is my life wasting away without me getting the things I want? What do I want? I'm kind of freaking out. 

Just to break me like a promise.

I've been in such a funk these past few days. I am patient and impatient all at the same time. I'm understanding but not. And these contradictions keep welling up inside me and these stormy seas are preventing me from smiling as of late. Maybe I need to have clearly defined lines instead of all this gray. 

  

It must have been the mistletoe, the lazy fire, the falling snow

The snow is softly falling. And the world seems so quiet and peaceful when it snows. I just finished writing my family's Christmas cards and I'm laying here, reflecting on how different today was than last year. And how different Christmas will be. 

We went to my Uncle's house for Christmas Eve dinner, and I spent the holiday with family I have never spent any holiday with. And it was refreshing, and perfectly perfect. There was laughter, and gratitude, and love. And when I came home, I chatted with my Grandma, who decided to stay with us for Christmas. I've never spent a Christmas with her in my entire life. And it makes me so grateful for my family...and to have them here. 

Tyler came over late tonight. It was snowing hard, but he drove to my house anyway. And it is so difficult for me to put into words how much joy I find in his mere presence. We laughed and laughed. And I've missed that with him. There's a comfort there, a knowingness, and a peace that comes from that. It started to snow harder and he left just a little after midnight. I wrapped gifts and then I've just been laying here since, thinking about my life and the difference a year can make. 

And I don't know if it's the snow...but I'm starting to feel the magic of Christmas creeping back into my heart. Sweet dreams, sugarplums.  

Peace.

It's been a crazy long time since I've posted. Mostly due to an unexpected hip injury. And I'm on meds right now so this post may make no sense. But I wanted to capture the feelings I have right now. 

I drove to his house to give him the cards I wrote him. And he was home and I was nervous. So nervous I was shaking. But I gave them to him. And the moment was beautiful. I won't forget the wonder in his eyes and the smile on his face. And it's selfish, but that's what I wanted most. I wanted to see him happy. I wanted him to have tangible proof that love exists, that people care for him. 

It was the scariest thing I've done in a long time, taking that risk. But I did it. And I feel the happiest peace. 

Diamonds.

I haven't had adequate words or comprehensive thoughts for the past few days. I'm unsure if I dare speak aloud my hopes in case they come crashing down. So I'm pretending to be robotic, stoic, nonchalant. But I've never been good at that, ever. I'm always rushing in, latching on, fantasizing about what could be. 

I've literally imagined my life as some ridiculous movie, like Twilight. Where the man I choose will come swooping back in after being gone for a year and tell me he loves me and wants to be together forever. I used to get mad at Bella for choosing Edward all over again. But that was before I understood that while love is a choice, sometimes it chooses you, and you just have to choose it back, even if it breaks you. 

Hope, despair.

I can't allow myself to hope, to think that perhaps it's true. I sat there and saw that same look in your eyes I had witnessed before and I knew I couldn't look at them again. I couldn't let myself feel hope where only despair has been. 

But even now I feel it creeping back. That hope. That glimmer. That thing that will probably kill me if I actually believe it. But I can't stop myself. It's like I'm the earth and he's the sun and no matter how much I want it not to be true, his pull is magnetic. 

What does this mean?

War.

Earl has been snugglier more so lately than he usually is. I'm pretty sure he can sense the feeling that's welled up inside me. The overarching pronunciation of tremendous loss that seems to punctuate each breath I take. Ah, sometimes life is such a treacherous choice. The hope you cling to is the anchor that drags you into the depths of despair. I've been so careful with my choices lately that I am surprised your memory snuck back in. It was gone for awhile, and it felt peaceful to forget you. 

It's silly how the mind plays such tricks on the heart. It makes anyone and anything crucial, like oxygen, to the pumping of blood through the vessels, until the heart is so reliant on those memories that it doesn't remember how to function without them. The mind pretends the heart feels and sees and hears and breathes and it pumps in every thought of you, cycling your very existence throughout every limb until you're entwined in every organ and cell and fiber of my being. And the heart foolishly goes along with the game until it doesn't recognize fact from fiction and believes it truly will stop beating if you no longer exist. And to the mind, you're just a whisper of an echo of a moment in time. But the heart, afraid of stopping, beats even more furiously for you. And so the mind, remorseful for its wicked game, gently reminds the heart that you are gone. And the heart, so used to feeling and seeing and hearing and breathing you, begs to just stop beating. Because it can't, it won't, it shouldn't go on. Except, unwillingly, it must. And soon the blood that rushes through, fills every organ and cell and fiber of my being with the beating echo of emptiness. That's when the mind, lost in despair, promises the heart it won't ever trick it into beating for someone else again. But they both know that that's what the heart lives for. And the mind? She was never one to keep her promises. 

Begin again.

I said a prayer this morning for the first time in awhile and inadvertently ended up realizing I'm a little angry at God. And I shouldn't be, and I recognize my anger is misplaced. So I asked for something to help me change. I went about my business as usual. And around 3:30 received a text from Dele telling me that we are going to the Christmas devotional. So we went. The messages tonight were simple and reminded me of the feelings I had while reading the New Testament - feelings I've lost over these past few months. It also reminded me of all the reasons I typically love Christmas so much: it gives hope, it reinforces love, it resonates charity. Somehow, I've been so focused on me and the direction my life has gone that I've lost touch a bit with those things. So tonight was a good reminder. 

It was also a great reminder of other things for me. I probably can't adequately put into words my thoughts on timing and people and why things happen the way they do. This entire year has really thrown me for a loop. And my life is so different now. I've spent enough time trying to determine the way it should be that I'm trying now to embrace the way it is. The truth is, though, that reconciliation between those two is blurry, at best. But for tonight, that's completely ok. 

Disposable.

Today was a beautiful day full of happiness and sadness and some anger. It was a myriad of emotions and I'm laying here in bed, comfortable and grateful that I can see that sometimes, despite the trials, an empty glass can still be beautiful. 

My mom and I discussed how sometimes, when people treat you badly enough for long enough and then move on quickly, you begin to feel disposable. People aren't disposable. They are important and they matter. And I don't want to ever be made to feel that way again. 

I went out with a new friend tonight. And I adore her to pieces. She is the kindest soul I've met here. And I'm truly grateful for our laughter. I think laughing is one of my favorite things in the entire world. It's like fuel for my heart. And I literally feel myself craving it. And because my day was filled with laughter, my empty glass doesn't seem so empty. I guess sometimes, when your heart breaks, you begin to think that nothing will ever be the same again. But tonight made me realize I don't have to keep mourning the past. And even if there won't ever be love again, if I've missed my chance, if my soulmate doesn't exist or doesn't choose me or soulmates aren't real, at least I can find laughter.  

Love is a verb.

This week went by quickly. And while today was a down day, tonight I feel much better. 

I don't want to talk about much right now. I'm pretty tired. But saw this quote online and just want to always remember it. 

Happy in the meantime.

I went out with Brynn tonight. Oh, I love her! I'm so grateful she and I live in the same state. My life is better with a best friend, for sure. We decided tonight that I'm a magnet for the same type of man: literally. His clone in every way contacted me today. And it was through her encouragement that I ended it before it began. It's strange how life does that. I'm glad my Brynners was there. And we laughed forever about it. I haven't laughed like that in so long. 

I said yes to a date tomorrow night. I decided it's ok. I woke up this morning and felt past it enough to not be rebounding like crazy. When I decide on things in a rational manner, I typically stick to that. My brain is much more logical than my heart. So I am listening to my brain.

I usually don't give myself the time to question whether or not the guy will like me before a date. I just analyze it afterwards. And I always wonder if I'm pretty enough or smart enough or funny enough. But this time, I realize that I am enough. And it is time I start analyzing whether or not he is handsome enough or smart enough or funny enough. No more reaching down. It's time for some equality. I deserve to get exactly what I want. 

(But in the meantime...what's the harm in making a little fun?)

If you walk away, I'll walk away. Just tell me which road I should take.

I haven't done my hair in 4 days. I think my coworkers were getting a bit concerned. I'm usually quaffed, painted, shining for all to see. But I've mostly stayed in bed as long as possible in the morning and haven't cared too much about my hair. Last week was dates galore. This week I've been saying no. So perhaps not caring about my hair is ok. Except most days I stay in my office with the door shut. I blame the cold, and gesture to the small space heater on my desk. Just keeping in the warmth, I lie. Just keeping out the world. The trouble with dating somebody and having other people know about it, is that they always ask about why it ended when it does. And the trouble with dating somebody like he was, is that I honestly just don't know. So I avoid their questions, concerned eyes, remarks on how I'm better off, advice on getting over it.  

I've survived much worse, I want to tell them. This is merely a blip compared to a divorce. Or an eating disorder. Or sexual assault. It's the tiniest of problems in comparison to last year's special concoction of horror. Knowing somebody for 2 months and then never speaking again is much less intense than knowing somebody your whole life and then waking up one day and you don't know them anymore. Perspective lends it's wisdom in situations like this. But I smile and nod and pretend to appreciate their words of wisdom, when really I already know: yes, of course I am just fine. 

But there are those moments when I'd like to text you. I'd like to think you're thinking of me, but I know you aren't. I hear a song and it reminds me of you. Or I stumble across something that I know you would laugh at. And I miss laughing with you. We laughed a lot. Does she make you laugh as much? I hope she does. Your laughter is like sunshine. And oh, my skies are grey. 

A poem for no words:

When loving is choosing, 

I always chose you. 

Yes, Love was a choice -

Something you couldn't do. 

Love, when it breaks, starts a small crack.

The gap only widens when he can't love you back. 

And the larger the crevice, the deeper the pain.

Oh, Love is dangerous when it's untamed!

Love is a ghost: unseen, thus unreal. 

Love's a kind host when hurt is the meal. 

Love isn't a lie, until you're alone. 

Love is a war, every battle unwon. 

Love is a book, cover torn into shreds. 

Love is the words of the chapters, unread. 

Love is the ink as it bleeds from the page. 

Love is the story, fading with age. 

Love is the flower, brown in her cup. 

Love is the petals as death curls them up. 

Love is a bird, shot from the sky. 

Love is the ground as it feels the bird die. 

Love is a race where the end is the start. 

Love is a girl, hewn at her heart. 

Love is a choice. 

A choice I'll deny. 

Because Love can't be hello 

when Love is always goodbye. 

Tomorrow.

I have spent a great deal of time trying to convince myself that my emotions are inconsequential and I shouldn't feel the way I do. I suspect so many people do that - they live as apologetically as I have. I've found myself not saying things or tweeting things or writing things in case it makes somebody else feel badly about themselves, or feel badly for me, or judge me in some way. But I don't want to apologize for how I feel. Because I feel it. And pretending I don't doesn't change that. 

Today was ok. I got up, I went to work, I did my job, I came home, I ate leftover Indian food from Saturday's date, and then sat on the couch and snuggled Earl. I didn't cry, I didn't text the ex, I didn't make poor choices with men that don't mean anything to me. I stayed home and felt my feelings without covering them up or pretending they don't exist. And feeling them today was much less painful than feeling them was yesterday. And that may seem small to someone else, but that's a big step in the right direction for me. 

The allure of tomorrow is that it will be better than today. Some days it isn't. Some days it's worse. Some days it's the same. But that tiny ray of hope that it can be better is what propels me forward. I typically don't live for tomorrows. I try my hardest to live in the moment and experience today. But when today is more than I can take, I simply wait for that tomorrow. When I was in high school and severely depressed, I'd focus on the tragedy of today and wish there was no tomorrow, because I was convinced tomorrow could only be worse. Sitting here, I can appreciate the change in perspective now that I'm older, wiser, whatever. 

It's after midnight and so technically, it is already tomorrow. I merely need to go to sleep and then I can experience the miracle that tomorrow is: a fresh day, a new start, a day closer to mending. So, until tomorrow.