Friday, March 27, 2015
The Calm
I forgot how much I appreciate Fridays until I went back to work. Teaching preschool is hard, especially when I'm not used to loud, wiggly, small bodies. But I like being back to work and feeling productive, it's such a good feeling to be doing something.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Unfriend.
I don't get on Facebook often anymore. It started when I got my concussion because it literally was just painful to look at computer screens. Now that I'm feeling better, I recognize that I can live my life without it. I do like to log in occasionally to look at pictures and check on friends now and again.
A few weeks before I told Scotty I was filing for divorce, he unfriended me on Facebook. I thought that was pretty ridiculous, seeing as we were married, but have since just let it go. This morning, though, I went to click on his mom, Amy's page and look through some of her pictures to just remember her. And it said we weren't friends. I sat there a little surprised. I didn't expect Scotty to go that far.
I recognize when people are hurt that instead of owning their actions, it is easier to lie or place blame on other people. That explains the things I was told last night about what he has been saying. But no matter how angry or upset he is with me right now, he cannot erase the relationship I had with his mom. Unfriending me from her facebook account isn't going to change that. Facebook is not real life. And Amy is gone. You can't erase the the past.
When I first asked for the divorce he told me to give him everything Amy ever gave me. All of it. Because I was no longer family. I was dead to him. Nonexistent. I made my choice and I was no longer a part of their family. I knew the words were coming before he ever said them to me, because he warned me before we got married that would hapen if we were to ever get divorced. And when I hung up the phone after he said that to me I was so angry and hurt and I didn't want to give him any of it back. He eventually told me to keep them, but at this point it doesn't matter. Because I realized I have something that Scotty does not have right now. Eternal perspective.
I never thought whether one person had an eternal perspective and one did not mattered in a marriage. But it does, and I didn't see it until the day I asked for divorce. Scotty, who doesn't believe in God, thinks this life is it. Death is the end. So her things are important to him because that is all he has left of her. He only has memories and nothing to look forward to. I know there is a God and I know I will see Amy again.
Eternal perspective also gives us conscience and guidance. I know there are eternal consequences for my actions and a purpose for my life. I have direction and a goal. I didn't realize how hopeless life can be without that. My entire life I have worked hard to improve and better myself. Because I want to be the best person I be. It all boils down to eternal perspective.
So I've decided to not be upset about being unfriended. Because you can't unfriend memories. And I can't care if my name is dragged through the mud in a town I no longer live in by people I won't ever see again. I know the truth. God knows the truth. And at this point, it just doesn't matter.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Just Breathe.
I made it through week 1 back. It's not a surprise to me that what I thought would be a week of observation turned into just one day and myself and the other teacher were made to switch mid-week and I began teaching the class Wednesday when I thought I would be observing through Friday. It's funny to me the non-communication that happens. Needless to say I felt extremely stressed Wednesday through today. And my headaches returned full-force, and I tried really hard to not let it show at work. I didn't want to have to go home and make things harder on anybody than it already was. Next week will be better. A job is just a job, I keep reminding myself.
The good thing is my new class is adorable and the kids are so small and tiny. The curriculum content is basically the same, so I don't feel like I have to adjust much. I realize though, that it's not the tiny people that are stressful. It's the adults. I wonder why growing up distorts people so much and turns us all into horrible messes.
Speaking of which...
In the midst of the work and the health issues, I've tried really hard to not notice that I am getting divorced. I don't know if that is a mentally healthy way to look at it or not. But it doesn't hurt coming home to any empty house anymore. Or cooking for 1. Or going to bed by myself. I'm not dating or trying to fill that void. I'm not divorced so I am still married. And until I am divorced that is how I will remain. So in general it's not hurtful, just lonely.
It does hurt, though, when I hear through the grapevine that hurtful things are being said about me. Through this process I have tried to not say negative things about Scotty. I have tried to defend him to my parents and friends when negative things are said. I don't want people to have a poor opinion of him just because I've filed for divorce. So it hurt me a lot tonight when I heard that he was saying negative and cruel things about me to people we knew. And I realize that I shouldn't expect anything different. And that divorces are not nice things. But I think I had hoped for better, especially after everything I have done and had done for us over the past 3 years.
It's really made me sit here tonight for several hours and just wonder what it is I am doing. I don't know why I care so much what he has said. I guess probably because it is a blatant lie. But I think maybe it's because I have been trying so hard to not speak ill of him. People have asked me what happened when they find out. I don't laundry list or detail - I just say it didn't work. Because when it has gotten to this point, that's the truth. It just isn't working. And I respect his father, the memory of his mother, and both he and myself too much to run us into the ground. If he wants to, that is his choice. But I won't.
So I just need to let it go. Just breathe. Just breathe. Because ultimately, it just doesn't matter. I know I worked hard in my marriage and provided for our family by going to work each day and enrolling in graduate school to make sure my family was cared for and bills were paid. I know I had flaws and made mistakes. And I don't know what I was hoping for from Scotty during this process - maybe just some civility, maturity, respect. But whatever it was, I am never going to get it. And I have to accept that and move on.
The good thing is my new class is adorable and the kids are so small and tiny. The curriculum content is basically the same, so I don't feel like I have to adjust much. I realize though, that it's not the tiny people that are stressful. It's the adults. I wonder why growing up distorts people so much and turns us all into horrible messes.
Speaking of which...
In the midst of the work and the health issues, I've tried really hard to not notice that I am getting divorced. I don't know if that is a mentally healthy way to look at it or not. But it doesn't hurt coming home to any empty house anymore. Or cooking for 1. Or going to bed by myself. I'm not dating or trying to fill that void. I'm not divorced so I am still married. And until I am divorced that is how I will remain. So in general it's not hurtful, just lonely.
It does hurt, though, when I hear through the grapevine that hurtful things are being said about me. Through this process I have tried to not say negative things about Scotty. I have tried to defend him to my parents and friends when negative things are said. I don't want people to have a poor opinion of him just because I've filed for divorce. So it hurt me a lot tonight when I heard that he was saying negative and cruel things about me to people we knew. And I realize that I shouldn't expect anything different. And that divorces are not nice things. But I think I had hoped for better, especially after everything I have done and had done for us over the past 3 years.
It's really made me sit here tonight for several hours and just wonder what it is I am doing. I don't know why I care so much what he has said. I guess probably because it is a blatant lie. But I think maybe it's because I have been trying so hard to not speak ill of him. People have asked me what happened when they find out. I don't laundry list or detail - I just say it didn't work. Because when it has gotten to this point, that's the truth. It just isn't working. And I respect his father, the memory of his mother, and both he and myself too much to run us into the ground. If he wants to, that is his choice. But I won't.
So I just need to let it go. Just breathe. Just breathe. Because ultimately, it just doesn't matter. I know I worked hard in my marriage and provided for our family by going to work each day and enrolling in graduate school to make sure my family was cared for and bills were paid. I know I had flaws and made mistakes. And I don't know what I was hoping for from Scotty during this process - maybe just some civility, maturity, respect. But whatever it was, I am never going to get it. And I have to accept that and move on.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Day 1
Today was my first day back at work.
I am overwhelmed by the support and love that was shown at my return and embarrassed that I even doubted that people cared about me. I think that was easily an effect from the concussion mixed with the embarrassment I felt from getting injured.
Observing another classroom and having to see my students walk past was extremely hard for me. All of them stopped at the door to my new classroom and turned to come in and one even gave me a hug. It really pulled on my heart and even now my eyes are tearing up because I truly love the kids I taught. I didn't love the aggression that I dealt with. I recognize that there was a level of danger that I cannot face going back in and self-preservation that I had lost being in that classroom, which is why I am placed elsewhere. But knowing that doesn't make being somewhere else any less difficult.
And it surprised me because I didn't expect the transition elsewhere to be so hard. I thought I would be relieved. But seeing the confusion on the kids' faces when I told them to go to "their" classroom and knowing that classroom wasn't one with me in it was difficult. And so I just don't think about it and can't think about it. Because if I do, I honestly get a migraine.
I had a therapy appointment in Leesburg this evening. So I picked up Earl and we drove to my mom's where I dropped him off and I made my way to my appointment. Sitting there we talked about my first day back and discussed some of the harder parts of my day. And then my therapist very frankly told me I had a mild disability right now. It was a knife to my heart. I have known this. I just haven't used the word disability with it. I keep turning that over in my mind, trying to process it. I went from perfectly healthy to living with a disability overnight. And I've been struggling with thoughts of just wanting so much to have a do-over. I sit here crying even writing this, because it is so foreign to me to think how different my life is now.
Throughout this entire ordeal I've been desperately trying to find the reason. I have moved past blame to forgiveness to peace. And now I want purpose. In searching for this, I've been reading scriptures, conference talks, articles, etc and praying to know why. I don't know if I will ever truly know the answer. But I know that I am drawing closer to Christ. And in that I found a great message given by David A. Bednar entitled "Bear Up Their Burdens With Ease" in which he says "The Savior has not suffered just for our sins and iniquities - but also for our physical pains and anguish, our weaknesses and shortcomings, our fears and frustrations, our disappointments and discouragements, our regrets and remorse, our despair and desperation, the injustices and inequities we experience, and the emotional distresses that beset us."
As I think about that I know for certain that His Atonement covers it all. And days when my faith is wavering I need to remember that "The unique burdens in our lives help us rely upon the merits, mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." If I've learned nothing else from this all, I have learned that.
I am overwhelmed by the support and love that was shown at my return and embarrassed that I even doubted that people cared about me. I think that was easily an effect from the concussion mixed with the embarrassment I felt from getting injured.
Observing another classroom and having to see my students walk past was extremely hard for me. All of them stopped at the door to my new classroom and turned to come in and one even gave me a hug. It really pulled on my heart and even now my eyes are tearing up because I truly love the kids I taught. I didn't love the aggression that I dealt with. I recognize that there was a level of danger that I cannot face going back in and self-preservation that I had lost being in that classroom, which is why I am placed elsewhere. But knowing that doesn't make being somewhere else any less difficult.
And it surprised me because I didn't expect the transition elsewhere to be so hard. I thought I would be relieved. But seeing the confusion on the kids' faces when I told them to go to "their" classroom and knowing that classroom wasn't one with me in it was difficult. And so I just don't think about it and can't think about it. Because if I do, I honestly get a migraine.
I had a therapy appointment in Leesburg this evening. So I picked up Earl and we drove to my mom's where I dropped him off and I made my way to my appointment. Sitting there we talked about my first day back and discussed some of the harder parts of my day. And then my therapist very frankly told me I had a mild disability right now. It was a knife to my heart. I have known this. I just haven't used the word disability with it. I keep turning that over in my mind, trying to process it. I went from perfectly healthy to living with a disability overnight. And I've been struggling with thoughts of just wanting so much to have a do-over. I sit here crying even writing this, because it is so foreign to me to think how different my life is now.
Throughout this entire ordeal I've been desperately trying to find the reason. I have moved past blame to forgiveness to peace. And now I want purpose. In searching for this, I've been reading scriptures, conference talks, articles, etc and praying to know why. I don't know if I will ever truly know the answer. But I know that I am drawing closer to Christ. And in that I found a great message given by David A. Bednar entitled "Bear Up Their Burdens With Ease" in which he says "The Savior has not suffered just for our sins and iniquities - but also for our physical pains and anguish, our weaknesses and shortcomings, our fears and frustrations, our disappointments and discouragements, our regrets and remorse, our despair and desperation, the injustices and inequities we experience, and the emotional distresses that beset us."
As I think about that I know for certain that His Atonement covers it all. And days when my faith is wavering I need to remember that "The unique burdens in our lives help us rely upon the merits, mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." If I've learned nothing else from this all, I have learned that.
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