Day 1

Today was my first day back at work.

I am overwhelmed by the support and love that was shown at my return and embarrassed that I even doubted that people cared about me. I think that was easily an effect from the concussion mixed with the embarrassment I felt from getting injured.

Observing another classroom and having to see my students walk past was extremely hard for me. All of them stopped at the door to my new classroom and turned to come in and one even gave me a hug. It really pulled on my heart and even now my eyes are tearing up because I truly love the kids I taught. I didn't love the aggression that I dealt with. I recognize that there was a level of danger that I cannot face going back in and self-preservation that I had lost being in that classroom, which is why I am placed elsewhere. But knowing that doesn't make being somewhere else any less difficult.

And it surprised me because I didn't expect the transition elsewhere to be so hard. I thought I would be relieved. But seeing the confusion on the kids' faces when I told them to go to "their" classroom and knowing that classroom wasn't one with me in it was difficult. And so I just don't think about it and can't think about it. Because if I do, I honestly get a migraine.

I had a therapy appointment in Leesburg this evening. So I picked up Earl and we drove to my mom's where I dropped him off and I made my way to my appointment. Sitting there we talked about my first day back and discussed some of the harder parts of my day. And then my therapist very frankly told me I had a mild disability right now. It was a knife to my heart. I have known this. I just haven't used the word disability with it. I keep turning that over in my mind, trying to process it. I went from perfectly healthy to living with a disability overnight. And I've been struggling with thoughts of just wanting so much to have a do-over. I sit here crying even writing this, because it is so foreign to me to think how different my life is now.

Throughout this entire ordeal I've been desperately trying to find the reason. I have moved past blame to forgiveness to peace. And now I want purpose. In searching for this, I've been reading scriptures, conference talks, articles, etc and praying to know why. I don't know if I will ever truly know the answer. But I know that I am drawing closer to Christ. And in that I found a great message given by David A. Bednar entitled "Bear Up Their Burdens With Ease" in which he says "The Savior has not suffered just for our sins and iniquities - but also for our physical pains and anguish, our weaknesses and shortcomings, our fears and frustrations, our disappointments and discouragements, our regrets and remorse, our despair and desperation, the injustices and inequities we experience, and the emotional distresses that beset us."

As I think about that I know for certain that His Atonement covers it all. And days when my faith is wavering I need to remember that "The unique burdens in our lives help us rely upon the merits, mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah." If I've learned nothing else from this all, I have learned that.