It's all about just choosing the way.

It has been two weeks since my last update. My resolution is pretty much shattered. But I'm going to keep writing anyway.

He is getting married in the temple. That shook my world apart. I told my roommates about that situation today. I didn't mean to...but when one is hysterical things just come out. Let me back-track. It's really a circle. But even circles have beginnings.

I felt alone today. And Neely's lesson in Relief Society told me not to feel alone. So I drove to the waterfall outside BV in the middle of nowhere on the side of the Parkway and sat there alone. And I purged my feelings. I wrote them all down into a word document and saved it and felt better. But I knew it wasn't the same. I knew it wasn't what I needed. Because I am tired of talking with my fingers. I'm tired of keeping everything inside.

I went to Neely's for a fiesta. A going away to Mexico fiesta. And then I found out Mexico might not happen. Mexico was how I was going to get over the whole Preston scenario. It was how I was going to not want to talk to him every day. It was how I was going to breathe in without wondering if he was breathing in at that same exact moment. It was going to help me heal. It was like my constructive way of running away and avoiding the problem. So when it got threatened with not happening, I refelt every emotion I thought I'd taken care of by the waterfall.

So I came home from the fiesta tonight. And tried to write my paper. But all I could think about was how angry I was that he is getting married in the temple. And how unfair it is. And I needed to rant. So I went to call the one person I am most comfortable with. Because this was an uncomfortable topic. And I needed to be comfortable with somebody. But his number wasn't there. Because I deleted it. So I wrote Preston a note, and asked him when he came online to write me back. And sent it but regretted it once I hit the button. But I couldn't take it back.

And then he called me. And I tried to be as vague as possible. Because how stupid did I look needing him? So we shot the breeze. And made small talk. And I missed him. Even though he was talking to me, I missed him. Because he shouldn't have called. He should have read my note and said that we are done and he owes me nothing. He should have. Because I never should have wanted to talk to him about it. But I did. I told him how life isn't fair. And he agreed. And made me laugh. And he said mission accomplished. And before our conversation ended, like it should have at that moment, it was like my tongue broke free from my body and had betrayed my pride.

I asked him how it didn't bother him. How he could just be my friend and be ok with it. I didn't ask him why he had called me babe earlier in the conversation. Or why he had made a reference to me knowing his family in the future. Because to me, they were really small things that shouldn't have made a difference. They were tiny things that are said in passing that don't have hope clinging to them unless you're looking for any reason for it to cling. And I had some hope, so my tongue betrayed me.

He didn't want to answer. He hates talking about feelings. But I don't ever let things slide. Terrible habit I need to overcome. He said he puts up a wall. He said that if he saw me every day he wouldn't be ok with it. But I am going to Mexico. So it is ok. I had told him earlier in the conversation that I didn't think he remembered me most times. He told me that I don't give him a chance to forget me. So I asked him, after he mentioned Mexico, if he wanted me to let him forget me. He said no. He sounded tired and frustrated. And I was angry that I couldn't let it go. There was so much to say, but instead I said goodnight. I told him thank you for letting me vent. And then I reminded him that he can talk to me, too. He said when he needs to, he will. We said goodnight again. And my lips stifled my tongue.

But my stifled tongue released my tears. My roommates got an earful. Mostly about Arizona. About before. And I don't know if I made it clear why I can't let go of before. And why I needed Preston now. But I think they got it. And it came full circle. Mostly because I have now opened up a little. And the next time I need to rely on somebody, I won't have to turn to the one person I am trying my hardest to not need anymore.

In my purging this afternoon at the waterfall I wrote one thing that stood out to me most: "And I know that I need to do this. Because I am tired of feeling alone. I keep everything inside because I am afraid to let it out. Really, I think I just want to find that one person I can tell it to. That’s what I have been looking for my entire life. Somebody I can tell everything to. Because for so long I just have kept everything inside. And I think I’ve gotten to the point where I’m losing myself. Because only I know me. And only I let me know me. And that’s why I am alone."

I just wanted to know that Preston still cared. As awful as that sounds. And as much as it means I break my own heart. I wanted to know. Finding out he does care made everything that much worse. But allowed me to break through the wall I've been putting up around me. I don't let anybody in. But tonight I did. And I get scared of letting people in, even though its something I desire beyond anything.

I usually just send my feelings out into the void of cyberspace. Because I'd rather a stranger know me than a friend. But I realize that I am alone because I make myself alone. And I let one person in. And maybe God needs me to let others in, too. Because my life is so much bigger than all this. And I have clarity now.

I'm not ashamed of what happened. Telling the story in a fit of hysteria tonight has made me oddly confident. I feel at peace.

This post is confusing. My apologies. But I like to think nobody reads this anyways. It makes it that much easier to open up. Because I like talking with my fingers to an empty page. One day I'll more liberally open my lips to let my secrets out instead of pursing them shut to keep myself in. For now, tonight is all I can do.

Hypocrite.

I have memories of you written down in your own words. They are our future as seen from your eyes. Through your lips. With your promises.

You didn't break the promises.
But I can't understand why they are broken.

I am still broken.
All weekend I tried to fix myself.
And if I think loud enough I don't think about this.

But here's the thing: constantly trying to avoid something means you think about it more. The more you try to not think about it, the more you consciously make an effort to think about something, anything else. And in thinking about something, anything else, you remind yourself why you are thinking about it. Instead of planning your future. The one you told me about with your own lips. The one we thought about for 2 years. The one that got me through anything and everything and made me strong.

The one that won't happen.
And the one that broke me.
And now I am planning a future for me. But I don't know who that is without you.

I'm pathetic. But prideful. So I won't ever let you know how much this hurts.

Thursday Was A Hard Day.

Since seeing Preston over Spring Break things have not been the same between us. They were wonderful when we were together. But I didn't hear from him for over a week after I had driven away. And then things got increasingly more complicated, we decided to be friends, I couldn't deal with him pushing me away.

So I deleted him off facebook.
Re-added him.
Deleted him again.
Then wrote an excruciatingly long email to him explaining exactly what I need him to be and gave him the ultimatum. He hates ultimatums. We messaged back and forth. And then, since I had deleted his phone number, I looked it up on whitepages.com - and I called him. He knew I would.

We had the saddest conversation I've ever had in my entire life. With anybody.
It was alot of talking in circles. Because I refused to accept his explanations. He kept telling me we wouldn't work out. I kept telling him we could. If he would only try. He said he won't try for something he know won't work out. I told him nothing would work out if he wouldn't try. He said he can't keep wanting something he can't have. I didn't understand why he couldn't have it. I questioned everything. He told me he loves me. I'm glad he said that. Because the end of our conversation would have been much harder if he hadn't.

He said the night I left, he got a weird feeling. The kind he got on his mission. And I asked him if it was good or bad. He said it was weird. So I asked him if he prayed about it. And he said he did. And I didn't want to ask, but I did anyway. I asked what the answer was. And he said he knew that we weren't supposed to be together. I asked how he could know. And he said he got a stupor of thought, and the bad feeling persisted.

So he stopped. He pushed me away. Because he said it would hurt the more we put into it. And he wanted me to just be angry at him and move on. I think he wanted me to hate him. I think hating him might have made it easier on both of us. But I didn't let go - I kept persisting. He said it was hard for him to talk to me, because it was a reminder of something he wanted but couldn't have. And he is the baby of the family. He always gets what he wants. So that was hard.

I asked him if he was upset with the answer. He sounded offended I even asked. And re-iterated that he loves me. I didn't say much after that. I remember telling him that he has so much more faith than I do. And then I told him that I needed time, and couldn't talk to him anymore. He said he'd always be there for me to talk to if I needed to. But I told him I couldn't do this right now. And I cried. And we both were quiet. And he said to let him know when I was ready. And I said goodbye. And he said goodbye. And we hung up the phone.

I have never in my life cried that hard. I have never in my life loved somebody as much as I love him. And in that moment I hated God more than I have ever hated anything. I went through a period of hating God - in high school, after my parent's divorce. But I realized the hatred was misplaced. And sitting there today, I had nowhere else to direct my anger. And I know He has a bigger plan. I know He does. But my faith is thin. And decaying. And Preston was my plan. He was my future. He was everything I could hope for. In a perfect world, he made the perfection. And I know he felt that way about me. So I don't get it. I don't. And I am trying. I am trying really hard not to be angry and upset.

I have spent the whole day trying not to be angry and upset. But I keep feeling like I need to cry. Preston was my person. I felt like he was my other half. And I doubt anybody knows why or how much or what that means to me. But there is no point in even continuing a friendship with him. Is there? We both just hurt each other by knowing we can't have one another.

Ironically, it made me love Preston more. TO know that he has that much faith to be able to walk away from what he wants. He doesn't just do that. He is stubborn. Like me. And so I know that's why God had to tell him. Because I wouldn't have listened. Because I would have been with Preston anyway.

I told Preston that I don't want to move on. I don't want to be with another person. He kept telling me there was somebody better for me out there than he is. I don't believe it. I don't want him to feel like he isn't good enough for me. Because Preston saved my life.

I never told anybody this. Ok. I told my shrink. But when I was on the river and I was being pulled under, I could have died. I wanted to. I know you think that may be dramatic, but I wasn't in a good way when the accident occurred. I was in a downhill spiral. And the only thing that kept me from slipping under for good was the fact that I wouldn't be with Preston here in this life. I never told him that. Because that's a lot of responsibility to put on somebody. But he kept me hanging on.

Today I wanted to go back to that river and just let go. To save us both the heartache that I am feeling right now. I know he is hurting, too. And that hurts me more. But I know he will be able to move on and be ok. That's just how he is. He never shows his true emotions to anybody.

That's why I thought I was special.

I don't know why I added him on facebook again. I should have let him be. I don't want to be the reminder, or pain to him. Because he has been so much more to me than that.

And maybe I relied on him too much. When I should have relied on the Lord more. I think most times I put my love for him above God, which is bad. I know it is. So I guess I have to straighten out my priorities now. I know this is His will. I know it is. I just have to be strong.

My heart is broken. Literally in 2 pieces. Everybody keeps telling me its the right thing. Of course it is, if that's what God wants. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. And I know the question I should stop asking is why. And I should ask "how I can learn from this?"

But I don't think I am to that point yet. I am hurting. And I am glad I am going to Mexico because everybody keeps saying that I should date other people blah blah. That is not what I needed to hear. You don't go from planning your life - your WHOLE life - with one person, and sharing absolutely everything. EVERYTHING with them. You don't go from that to sitting across from a stranger at dinner making casual conversation. Because if I am going to make casual conversation, I want it to be with Preston.

I just have to train myself to not want that. And that's going to take awhile. Because that's over a 2 year habit. It's going to be hard to break.

On my driver's license it says I am an organ donor.
If I were to die tomorrow nobody would want this heart.
I am afraid its permanently scarred. And too damaged to be recognized as a heart any longer. They'll open me up and search and search for the organ that beats my life through my veins. And instead, find little shards here and there. Each one torn and bruised and broken beyond repair. And I can picture the doctors glancing at each other over the operating table, curious expressions on their faces as if to say "who could have damaged her so badly?"

And I would tell them, if only I could. But it'd be too late for me to speak.
And even if they could somehow hear me from the world beyond this, none would believe it possible for a girl who has lived so few years to inflict such a massacre upon herself.




I need to pray. And read my blessings. Because today is Friday. And yesterday was Thursday. Yesterday was a hard day. Today I'll make it better. Even if its only by one less tear.

WHY DO I KEEP LETTING YOU HURT ME?

Well I deleted Preston off my facebook because I thought out of sight, out of mind.

It isn't working so well. Because I keep wondering if he is going to notice that I deleted him. And if he notices, if he will do anything about it. Which overall just causes me to think about it more than I would normally choose.

So yeah.

Heal.

I put on my head phones and turned up the silence tonight. You know how that is. When the world is so loud that you can’t hear your own heart beat. When your mind is so alive that you don’t even think to breathe until you’re an exhale away from stopping. When you are tired of thinking so you’ll do anything to distract yourself. And you check your phone a thousand times to see if somehow the universe will work in your favor and he will call. But each time the digital clock blinks its bright reminder that your luck hasn’t changed in the last minute. So you succumb to the pain that begins with the tip of your toe. The one with the nail that you cut too short earlier because you’re always in a hurry.

And then you feel the pain travel up your leg into your stomach. Because you have eaten too much. To fill up that void that has crawled its way into your insides and nestled there somewhere in that empty cavity.

And the pain thuds with each beat of your heart. A heart you are so surprised still beats. Because it’s a miracle that something that broken works. Ironically, the beating pushes the pain upwards.

To your neck. The neck that prickled when he grazed it the first time with his fingertip. The night he told you he could see himself with you forever.

And then you feel your lips purse when you recollect this memory of a lie. The same lips that betrayed you when you whispered that you love him, too.

And then you become aware of your thudding ears. The same ears that deceived you when they heard him take it all back.

And then, as you close your eyes to brace yourself for the inevitable, the pain moves slowly across their shallow lids. It brings a soft glimmer, a reflection of the moon the night you said goodbye.

A single tear escapes and trickles down your cheeks. You wish yourself inside that tiny water droplet, a momentary flight from the pain piercing its way into your brain.

Because it hurts the most when it gets here. Instead of dulling out the memories, the pain sharpens their focus. And in one second you recall every word that was ever spoken. And every touch that was ever exchanged. And they echo off each other, with no escape to release the pressure. Yes, the pain intensifies the more you want it to subside.

Because they told you that it would take time for it to go away. So you check your phone again, just in case. But the clock ticks slowly by in hour-long minutes. So tonight I turned up the silence. Because the noise of reality was killing me.

And maybe that is a dramatic way to start this all off. But I need you to know how I feel. When the one thing you are counting on gives up. When everything falls through. When your life seems to split apart at the seams. Literally.

If you could draw a line on the ground, you’d see it start slowly splitting its way to your Chucks and move upwards, untying the laces, unbuttoning your Dickies, unzipping your hoodie. Because life is meant to tear you apart. Because only when you are completely exposed can you see yourself for who you are.

And sometimes the tears aren’t that hard to bandage up and piece back together. And sometimes you’ll have permanent scars. Like the one on your left hand. When you locked yourself out of your car and your anger got the best of you. So you broke the glass just to get in. Because you refused to ask for help. And you bled all the way to the hospital.

The thing is though, that physical scars heal over. Even if they have to use Elmer’s glue to get you back to some semblance of order.

But sometimes we’re Humpty Dumpty. And when we fall off the wall we aren’t put back together because what was inside of us has already leaked out. Because sometimes we keep so much bottled in, that a simple fall can crack us. And once everything we’ve kept inside has escaped, we can’t ever be put together. Because we’ve lost it.

Even if they physically pieced Humpty together there would be cracks and holes. And his insides would never be fully intact. And so sometimes, when we break, we can never be made whole again. And when that happened to me, I needed to turn to you. But you gave up, because I wasn’t whole. And I can’t be whole because you gave up. At least they tried to fix old Humpty. But I’m broken.

And I can’t remember if you pushed me off the wall or I jumped. I jumped because I wanted you to catch me. But you let me fall. And so I broke. And you walked away. And now I’m broken because of you. In spite of me. All for you. And you walked away. And Humpty Dumpty is cracked. And my reality is splitting apart. And the clock keeps ticking. How long does it take for the healing to start? No, no. When is this pain going to stop? Because I think I keep breaking from being broken.

And they all keep shaking their heads. Because I get up every day. And take a shower to rinse away the dreams I had the night before. They are the dreams we planned together. And you walked away. And so I dream them by myself. In my twin-sized bed. Under the covers. Where broken dreams are meant to stay. Where broken hearts are meant to lie. Where broken girls are meant to ferment in their fevers.

I put on makeup. Because I have to paint a smile so that they’ll stop shaking their heads. But they are smart and see through the gloss. And they see my heart. And they see that it’s halfway mine and wholly yours. And they see that I get dressed in your memory, and sit on the couch. Because I have nowhere to go.

And I watch the clock tick and the stars twinkle and I breathe in and out because that is what I am supposed to do. And sometimes, I run. I run away but you follow me everywhere I go. And so I try to escape myself. But my shadow, like your memory, won’t let me forget. And I disappear. Inside my own body.

And I say hello hello goodbye goodbye and neither mean a thing to me. Because when I said hello to you my life began. And when I mumbled goodbye my world stopped turning.

And so it is always night.

Is that why you walked away?
Because it was dark and you didn’t see me fall?
Did Humpty drop in the daytime?
Is that where I went wrong?
Or did you just not care.

Because I was broken before. And I fixed myself when I met you. Which means you fixed me when you met me. And so I broke myself when you left me. Because I was broken before you met me. And maybe I am fixed because I was always broken.

And I never needed you in the first place.

Except I did. But I can lie. I can lie like you. And patch up the broken pieces and do it despite the cracks and holes. And I can accept that most of what spilled out will never be put back in. And I can be hollow.

Because the clock keeps ticking. And it only counts the seconds I miss you. Because I do. I miss you. And the more I check my phone, the more I know you haven’t called.
Hello hello goodbye goodbye.
It wasn’t you.
It won’t be you.
Because you are whole without me.
And I think that means I need you.
And I need you to tell me that I don’t.
But you don’t call.
You don't want to.
And I am broken.
And this is my heart.
It was a good heart.
But you lied.

Nothing you can sing that wasn't sung.

I had a mental breakdown today.
But luckily Neely was phoned by my mother. I was angry. But I'm glad she was there.

I appreciate the power of the priesthood and am grateful for the blessing I was given this evening.

Even if it appears I'm not, believe me I am. Trying, that is.

I don't want to update tonight. But I will.
It was Sawyer's birthday today. I am grateful that the Tompkins included me in everything.

I feel very alone alot lately.
I think maybe I need a blessing.
Just because I am pretty sure I push everything I want away.
And now I feel the effects of that.


Ironically, the one thing I haven't pushed away is the one thing that has pushed me away. Oh life, your contradictions rarely amuse me anymore.

42 Things I probably never would answer unless I had taken an oath to update my blog every single day:

1. Do you like blue cheese? Yes. But only as dressing and dips for buffalo wings.

2. Have you ever been drunk? Sadly, yes.

3. Do you own a gun? Heavens no

4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite? The red kind.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yes. I hate hospitals, doctors, and especially needles.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? There is an appropriate time and place for their consumption.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Or The Family Stone.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Milk. But recently I've enjoyed a Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper

9. Can you do push ups? Yes. Very poorly. But I have a cheat: my chest touches the ground long before any other part of my body does.

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? my eternity ring. it never comes off.

11. Favorite hobby? Pause.

12. Do you have A.D.D.? No, but sometimes.

13. What's your favorite shoe? I absolutely refuse to wear socks unless I am working out. So I prefer flip-flops or Uggs.

14. Middle name? Cathleen

15. Name 3 exact thoughts at this moment. I would marry Michelle if I could, I think tonight was really awkward, I am glad Jared and I still talk

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? water, milk, naked juice

18. Current hate right now? my inability to accept things for how they are

20. How did you bring in the New Year? In Arizona, wearing a sparkly purple top & dancing with Michelle!

21. Where would you like to go? MEXICO. If they get their act together and let me!

22. Name three people who will complete this? No se.

23. Do you own slippers? Yes, but I wear them as shoes. They are really cute but about 100x too big hahaha.

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? White tank and grey sweater

25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets? I never have tried it.

26. Can you whistle? I do it very poorly. And usually only by sucking in.

27. Favorite color? If I had to pick one, it would be midnight blue.

28. Would you be a pirate? No. But I am a wench. Hahahahaha.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Lately I have been singing Lex Land - All We've Ever Done

30. Favorite Girl's Name? Nya

31. Favorite Boy's name? I got nothing

32. What's in your pocket right now? A safety pin

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Michelle telling me that if the Authorities would allow it, she would be my wife.

34. Best bed sheets as a child? I had Winnie the Pooh flannel sheets. Amazing.

35. Worst injury you've ever had as a child? Probably the time I split my head open on a rock. Or when I got bit by Chester, my horse, in the boob. Or when I got bit in the arm by the girl on the playground. Or when I broke my elbow twice in the same week. Or when I broke my nose...do you see a trend here?

36. Do you love where you live? I love the beach. BV I do not love so much. NJ will always be my home.

37. What's your favorite TV Show? Grey's Anatomy. and Friends.

38. Who is your loudest friend? Neely. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

39. How many dogs do you have? just one: Corky. Which makes me miss my Joey.

40. Does someone have a crush on you? if they do, they have yet to tell me.

41. What is your favorite book? The Little Prince

42. What is your favorite candy? Hershey's Cookies n Cream bars

New Month's Resolution

I am terrible at resolutions. But I decided a month's resolution is easier to keep than a year's resolution. And since I hate failing, I know that I can rest assured on this one.

My grandfather died today. I don't know him that well because his choices pushed my father away. They caused family to resent him. So I never got to know him, or know about his life. And I regret never making the effort to push that aside and form a relationship anyway. But I think this is what leaves me with the most regret: Because in myself, I see that I push people away. But I don't want to die without anybody knowing me. So, at the expense of my pride, I am going to open up this month.

That being the case, I'll reveal a secret that starts off with the fact that Michelle called me tonight. She said so many wonderful things that I almost wish I had sat with pen in hand to write them all down. But perhaps it isn't so much what she said, but what I was thinking while she imparted her vast wisdom. As she pointed out my inability to see how much God truly loves me, I truly recognized something that I had noticed before but never internalized until now.

Throughout my entire life, love for me has existed with conditions. I felt pressure as a young child to be perfect in every way possible so that my parents would love me. I felt, even as a kindergartner, that if I messed up even the slightest, they wouldn't love me anymore. I remember vividly one day in class I got a question on a test wrong: I circled the doghouse in red instead of blue. I absolutely lost it and could not stop crying because I recognized my imperfection in that moment. My sister had to be called down from her classroom to console me. Writing this I realize how fearful I was of failure...fearful that my parents would stop loving me if I made a mistake.

My first relationships were all conditional. I thought that if I just gave more and more in compromise of myself, that I would be loved. Really, that was pretty destructive. Self-destructive. Because all I wanted was love. And I thought it required me to do something in order to get it.

I am pretty sure the beginning of Mark and I's relationship wasn't that way. I am pretty sure that's why he was my first true love. Granted, he never knew everything about me, my past, my family: but he knew my present and we really did love each other in that present. In college though, I felt like it became conditional in order to have a future. The ironic thing is that I am pretty sure I placed the conditional there, because I thought it was supposed to be there. I regret that a bit. But I can't take it back. I can hope to learn from recognizing that, though.

What I do recognize is that most of the way I feel about love stems from my relationship with my father. I never felt like I was good enough for him. And I thought that was normal until I saw the way my best friend and her dad interacted and realized that some dads do love unconditionally. I always felt too fat. Or too stupid. Or not interesting enough. So I dieted to the detriment of my health. And entered honors programs, humanities, and AP courses. And took up the guitar and threw myself head-first into music so that we'd have something to talk about. Surprisingly, I still didn't ever feel good enough. Each Christmas and birthday I would shop for weeks in advance to find him the perfect gift. And each Christmas and birthday I would find it tossed aside in some chair to be returned the next day. His love was conditional. And I never seemed to make the grade.

So it is hard for me to let people in... To even have the desire to get to know somebody else who will place conditions on our relationship. Because no matter what - no matter how hard I try or how many conditions I do end up meeting, I feel like more conditions exist and the love I crave never will. And so it is terribly ironic to me that when unconditional love does surface, I question it and push it away because I think I don't deserve it. Which leaves me to seek conditional love and involuntarily attach myself to the people I know will push me away. I think mostly because I need to prove that I am good enough for somebody to love. And each time I am disappointed by that, I have a greater desire to more fully prove it.

The reason I fell in love with Preston in the first place is because he put no conditions on the relationship. Every doubt I had he blew out of the water. So I opened up to him more than I have ever opened up to any other person. And most likely to my own detriment, I grew a love for him that was beyond any condition that I could have possibly placed on the relationship. Because I was so honest and he allowed me to be... and still said I love you despite everything he learned about me, good and bad. The great thing about him being on a mission was that no conditions could really exist, which created an atmosphere for my love to grow even more. Because I thought it was unconditional love. I thought I had found what I had been wanting all along. And looking back now, I needed that more than anything to get through this past year. Because all the problems that I had repressed for my entire life had surfaced within 6 months of each other. And had Preston not been there for me through it, I probably would have given up. So I am grateful to God for knowing that in that moment I needed it - even if what I perceived it to be wasn't truly unconditional love.

My biggest disappointment this year has come from the fact that I allowed myself to trust in that. When he placed conditions, when he said he couldn't feel that way about me because of this and that and the other, I am pretty sure my world stopped. And the thing I couldn't convey was that my disappointment did not come from the unfulfilled promises...or rather the inability to fulfill any promise made to me over the past few years. Unfulfilled promises I am used to. Believe me. I wasn't counting on the future - I could barely count on the present. But when he came home, I was counting on love.

Yes, my biggest disappointment came from the conditions he put on his love. The conditions he thinks have to be there in order to love realistically. The conditions that now exist that have pushed me away. Conditions I cannot change. And conditions that have nothing to do with me, whatsoever, except they have everything to do with me in every way. The mere fact that those conditions exist now, and never did before, because said "reality" has set in, are what have made the past month a living hell for me. Why? Because I let him in. I let him in and let him see me - everything about me. And he said it didn't matter - the good, the bad - because he loved me. And having that love questioned caused me to question myself: absolutely everything about myself. And whether it is true or not, it made me feel not good enough, again. But even worse. Because I had rejection come after he saw me for absolutely everything I am. And the thing is that I had revealed my heart, my soul, my life to him only because I thought it was unconditional.

Ironically, when I recognized the love Preston said he had for me, I didn't feel worthy of it, and gave multiple opportunities to end it. To me, those were reality checks. To me, those times when I said "walk away" and he did not were proof enough that it truly was unconditional. And now, when I need that love the most: when I need every condition to be put aside and when I need to feel like I am good enough and that I can do this - he opts out. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.

The only evidence I have of unconditional love in my life is the love I am able to feel for others. I know God has the capacity to love that much because I feel that love for others deep within my heart - despite what is done to me by that person. I think that is what frustrates me so much. Because it is the only thing I have ever asked from anybody. And it is the one thing nobody has ever been able to give me, family or otherwise. And every time there is a glimmer of hope that love of that magnitude can exist for me, I find myself horribly deceived.

So I sit here and understand more fully why I am incapable of feeling the capacity of God's love for me. Maybe it's because I don't feel good enough. Or maybe because I don't know how to let Him in. Or because I question it. Because I don't fully believe it. Because I have yet to find somebody who has ever given me reason to.

And what hurts the most is when I look around me and see this unconditional love happening for everybody else, it makes me realize that unconditional love just cannot exist for me.

You question why I am so hard to get to know. And why I push so many people away. And deflect my true feelings into humor and sarcasm. And why I am unable to get close to anyone...and my answer to you is always because I don't want to...because I don't need anybody but myself. But now you know that it is a lie. Because truly, more than anything else in the entire world, I desire this: to be loved in return.