It's all about just choosing the way.

It has been two weeks since my last update. My resolution is pretty much shattered. But I'm going to keep writing anyway.

He is getting married in the temple. That shook my world apart. I told my roommates about that situation today. I didn't mean to...but when one is hysterical things just come out. Let me back-track. It's really a circle. But even circles have beginnings.

I felt alone today. And Neely's lesson in Relief Society told me not to feel alone. So I drove to the waterfall outside BV in the middle of nowhere on the side of the Parkway and sat there alone. And I purged my feelings. I wrote them all down into a word document and saved it and felt better. But I knew it wasn't the same. I knew it wasn't what I needed. Because I am tired of talking with my fingers. I'm tired of keeping everything inside.

I went to Neely's for a fiesta. A going away to Mexico fiesta. And then I found out Mexico might not happen. Mexico was how I was going to get over the whole Preston scenario. It was how I was going to not want to talk to him every day. It was how I was going to breathe in without wondering if he was breathing in at that same exact moment. It was going to help me heal. It was like my constructive way of running away and avoiding the problem. So when it got threatened with not happening, I refelt every emotion I thought I'd taken care of by the waterfall.

So I came home from the fiesta tonight. And tried to write my paper. But all I could think about was how angry I was that he is getting married in the temple. And how unfair it is. And I needed to rant. So I went to call the one person I am most comfortable with. Because this was an uncomfortable topic. And I needed to be comfortable with somebody. But his number wasn't there. Because I deleted it. So I wrote Preston a note, and asked him when he came online to write me back. And sent it but regretted it once I hit the button. But I couldn't take it back.

And then he called me. And I tried to be as vague as possible. Because how stupid did I look needing him? So we shot the breeze. And made small talk. And I missed him. Even though he was talking to me, I missed him. Because he shouldn't have called. He should have read my note and said that we are done and he owes me nothing. He should have. Because I never should have wanted to talk to him about it. But I did. I told him how life isn't fair. And he agreed. And made me laugh. And he said mission accomplished. And before our conversation ended, like it should have at that moment, it was like my tongue broke free from my body and had betrayed my pride.

I asked him how it didn't bother him. How he could just be my friend and be ok with it. I didn't ask him why he had called me babe earlier in the conversation. Or why he had made a reference to me knowing his family in the future. Because to me, they were really small things that shouldn't have made a difference. They were tiny things that are said in passing that don't have hope clinging to them unless you're looking for any reason for it to cling. And I had some hope, so my tongue betrayed me.

He didn't want to answer. He hates talking about feelings. But I don't ever let things slide. Terrible habit I need to overcome. He said he puts up a wall. He said that if he saw me every day he wouldn't be ok with it. But I am going to Mexico. So it is ok. I had told him earlier in the conversation that I didn't think he remembered me most times. He told me that I don't give him a chance to forget me. So I asked him, after he mentioned Mexico, if he wanted me to let him forget me. He said no. He sounded tired and frustrated. And I was angry that I couldn't let it go. There was so much to say, but instead I said goodnight. I told him thank you for letting me vent. And then I reminded him that he can talk to me, too. He said when he needs to, he will. We said goodnight again. And my lips stifled my tongue.

But my stifled tongue released my tears. My roommates got an earful. Mostly about Arizona. About before. And I don't know if I made it clear why I can't let go of before. And why I needed Preston now. But I think they got it. And it came full circle. Mostly because I have now opened up a little. And the next time I need to rely on somebody, I won't have to turn to the one person I am trying my hardest to not need anymore.

In my purging this afternoon at the waterfall I wrote one thing that stood out to me most: "And I know that I need to do this. Because I am tired of feeling alone. I keep everything inside because I am afraid to let it out. Really, I think I just want to find that one person I can tell it to. That’s what I have been looking for my entire life. Somebody I can tell everything to. Because for so long I just have kept everything inside. And I think I’ve gotten to the point where I’m losing myself. Because only I know me. And only I let me know me. And that’s why I am alone."

I just wanted to know that Preston still cared. As awful as that sounds. And as much as it means I break my own heart. I wanted to know. Finding out he does care made everything that much worse. But allowed me to break through the wall I've been putting up around me. I don't let anybody in. But tonight I did. And I get scared of letting people in, even though its something I desire beyond anything.

I usually just send my feelings out into the void of cyberspace. Because I'd rather a stranger know me than a friend. But I realize that I am alone because I make myself alone. And I let one person in. And maybe God needs me to let others in, too. Because my life is so much bigger than all this. And I have clarity now.

I'm not ashamed of what happened. Telling the story in a fit of hysteria tonight has made me oddly confident. I feel at peace.

This post is confusing. My apologies. But I like to think nobody reads this anyways. It makes it that much easier to open up. Because I like talking with my fingers to an empty page. One day I'll more liberally open my lips to let my secrets out instead of pursing them shut to keep myself in. For now, tonight is all I can do.