Loving yourself more.

If somebody would have told me yesterday that choosing yourself could hurt this much, I wouldn't have believed them. There are all these songs and posts about the wonderful vindication that comes from loving yourself enough to stand up for yourself. But there's rarely anything detailing the morning after. 

Yesterday I abolished the grey with Tyler. I told him I couldn't do things that people who date do without actually dating him. I said it was too hard on my heart. And then confessed that I had been in love with him the entire time we had been in the grey. I asked if he wanted to date me, and his reply was uncertainty now but most likely in the future. I knew I couldn't just accept that. I couldn't massacre my heart again and go back to the grey in hopes of keeping him in my life for the possibility of the future. So I made things black and white: we are friends, or we are dating. 

I think that was really hard for him. And I'm pretty sure he has no idea how ridiculously difficult it was for me. I expressed my desire for our friendship, our very freaking best friendship, to stay the same. And begged him not to disappear. He said he needed a few days for things to process. I felt searing pain at those words. I think all fear of losing one of the only people who has ever truly known me became glaringly apparent when he said that. But I respect him enough, hell, love him enough, to not initiate contact. I told him that and if he decided he wants to talk to let me know and I'd be there for him. 

And then I cried for a really long time last night. I cried until I fell asleep. I'm not upset I chose loving myself enough to not put myself through pain any more. I am deeply proud of myself for that. The pride I feel, though, is drowned out by the intense sorrow of losing somebody I care about more than I think I've ever cared about anybody in my entire 29 years of existence. And it hurts to know that me, as a person, loving him that much, may not be enough for him without all the perks. 

It's easy for people to say things like, "well then he doesn't deserve your love anyway," or something similar. And that may be true. But nonetheless. It's still there. 

Which is why a large part of me woke up this morning and was disappointed that I had. And the one person in my world that understands that feeling better than anybody is the one person I can't contact anymore. And the one person I wish I could. 

How do I handle that? I was not prepared at all for yesterday to be goodbye. How do I freaking handle that! How does the world just keep spinning and I'm still here? How! How did I lose my heart in my attempt to protect it? I feel nothing. There's just this void. A huge empty hollow where you used to be. How am I supposed to get up and go to work with this hole in my chest? I wish somebody could just tell me how. But I know nobody can. 

Everybody's trusting in their heart like their heart don't lie.

I have so many feelings right now that I'm completely numb. I am in overload and can't necessarily process the emotion. I thought zoning out to my favorite songs would help. But each chorus keeps disappearing before I can mentally grasp it. And somehow, in my brain, I keep singing along with each verse...but the words are fleeting. 

"Is something wrong?" they keep asking. "Everything," I think. But "Nothing," I reply. And smile. 

I have this thing, where no matter how much I am hurting, I can't ever tell the person that is hurting me. I don't want them to feel the hurt I'm experiencing, so I graze over it. I realize this is extremely dysfunctional. And is probably the reason my heart is completely stitched and patched back together from its multiple massacres. 

I took a shower, and it warmed up my outsides, but inwards, I'm still ice cold. So, today, I'm just content with feeling numb. Cause that's the only word I can use to describe this right now. 

You're waiting here for somebody else to break you from the inside/you've been so composed/we all know there's always something tearing you apart/it's always so much longer than you counted on/and it hits you so much harder than you thought/but you don't worry, you don't worry/cause you've got soul. 

One is gold.

Tonight Jared came and visited me. I haven't seen him in almost 8 years. As we ate dinner, I felt the comfort of being in the presence of an old friend. The irony of our friendship is that Jared told me when I moved away from Rexburg 9 years ago that he doesn't keep in touch well and has a hard time caring about people. But there we sat tonight, as good of friends as ever. I speak with him often, despite us being in different states. And perhaps we are still friends because I'm incredibly persistent, but it's also a possibility that Jared realized friendship like ours is pretty rare and that's why it has lasted so long. 

It was good to reminisce and remind myself of the good times we've had. And it was even better to have great conversation and laughter with somebody who means so much to me. I felt humbled tonight and grateful for having such a caring person in my life. 

It's late but I had to blog before bed so I have a reminder when I'm in the midst of despair: my life is full of excellent people. I need to remember that.