And how long it would take me to walk across the United States all alone?

If life allowed me to paint it different colors, I would be able to more clearly express the difference between the person I was last week and the person I am as of Monday morning. It truly, in a non-cliche'd expression, be the difference between black and white. Or maybe more orignially like the difference between blue and yellow.

On more than one occasion I have been told that this blog is extremely vague. I've thought about that recently. So today I have decided to be as specific as somebody who enjoys being vague can be. That being said, don't get your hopes up too much.

Specifically, I am sitting on the ground in my bedroom typing on Tyler's computer. Last week I traded my laptop for a sweet cruiser bicycle that I will employ the use of frequently in Jersey. As I sit here my dog chews on a bottle of whiteout attempting to get the paper off. And I listen to Jimmy Eat World, my favorite band. I am contemplating the necessity with which I want to buy an iPod Touch. And why, while persuing Craig's List for said iPod, I came across a motorhome and had the distinct desire to buy it. Haha. Anyways.

I will depart from this state next Saturday, August 9th. Of course this is much later than I had ever expected to leave, but I know the reason for my delayed departure. So I am okay with it.

Okay, enough menial and unimportant rambles. I promised a little specificity, so here goes. I had an extremely long night Sunday night coming to terms with the way my life had been up to that moment. For the past 2 years I have tried to change, but for the wrong reasons. Because none of them had ever been for myself. Monday morning when I awoke I realized the necessity to truly want to change for myself. It is with that strong desire that I changed my life from blue to yellow in a matter of hours. Change, of course, is a process and not merely a moment of decision. But without that moment of decision, the process of change can never fully occur. I am priviledged to have had a 2nd chance given to me ten times over. This time, I am determined to see it through.

I will not be returning to BYU-Idaho. In December, after taking an institute class for credit, I will receive my Associates Degree. From there, the educational world is my oyster and I can persue my Bachelor's Degree, which may very well be from BYU-Idaho online or elsewhere, preferably in the Jersey area.

I have no idea what is in store for my life now. Everything I had expected it to be, isn't. Everything I had planned on turning out, won't. But just because things don't go the way I feel they should doesn't mean that they aren't going the right way. I discovered that I get a bit stubborn when it comes to the future. If I foresee something working out contrary to the way I intend it to, I do everything in my power to ensure life unfolds as I see fit. That usually results in catastrophe. And catastrophe it has been, or at least what I endearingly term these past few years.

It is about time I start seeing my life as God intends it to be, not as I intend it to be. And eventually, I hope that we begin to see eye to eye.

1,2,3,4

So I will not be able to leave Rexburg now in less than 7 to 10 days. Which sucks because I wanted to be out of here way sooner. Like as in 2 days. Had I not misplaced the title to my SUV like a freaking idiot, I wouldn't have to wait to get a duplicate title. I know I had it when I was moving out of Tuscany because my photographic memory has a little snapshot of exactly where it was. But then my memory goes blank as to what I did with it after that moment in time. Fantastic! I feel like I take 1 step forward and 3 steps backwards. Oy.

I thought I was sad about leaving here, but as of yesterday I seriously cannot wait to get out. I went for a seriously long drive last night to all my favorite places and sort-of said goodbye to them. As ridiculous as that sounds. I thought I would miss this place more than I do right now. I guess technically I haven't physically left. But mentally and emotionally, I've been gone from here for quite a while. I guess lately I just realized a lot of things. Mostly, I think I realized that goodbyes are not as sad as they sound.

With no lifesaver you try your best to float.

It hit me last night that I am leaving here. Jared and I had taken a drive out to the sand dunes, and the whole time it just felt different. I can't explain it. We have driven out there alot in the past year. And maybe it wasn't different but I felt like it was. I think it felt more like goodbye than anything else.

It was hard to sleep last night even though I was so tired. My mind has been going a thousand miles a minute. I'm not sure why - but I just feel like there is so much I have left unspoken and unsaid and unexpressed. And maybe it is because I am scared. I never tell how I truly feel. I just keep them to myself and allow a vague shadow of what I truly feel escape.

I think I really need to belong somewhere. I am afraid that may not be New Jersey, however strongly I feel that I need to be there. I don't think I necessarily need to be there just for me. I think moreso I need to be there for other people. And that is okay with me. Because I need to be needed. And where I am right now - here in Rexburg, nobody needs me anymore.

I think what kills me through all this is that I can never really tell you exactly what I mean. I hate to admit defeat and failure. And I hate that I compromised everything to try and be what you needed. When I turned out to be the opposite. And that kills me. I truly am so sorry.

I think my whole life has just been my attempt to try and mean something to someone. And it didn't matter the cost to myself, I've just kept going until I felt like I did. And the sad thing about it all is that if I had meant something to myself I wouldn't have tried so hard to be something to somebody else.

I am unusually hard to hold on to.

You're gonna miss this.

I don't know this song very well...but that chorus keeps playing over and over in my head. Probably because I threw myself a going away party tonight. Or because my hope is that you are going to miss me. Either way. It is stuck in my head.

I'm glad we took pictures. It was a nice time. There's so much going on in my mind right now. For instance, I will be buying a car tomorrow. That finalizes my trip out to Jersey. It is a cute car - old, but will do. Now just to sell mine. And since I have placed like 4 ads, hopefully it goes fast. And hopefully I will be able to make some of the money back in a garage sale. And get a good job in New Jersey. And all will be well financially, I hope.

I actually had alot to say in this besides daily rambles. But somehow I've lost my desire to write anymore. I feel like sleeping in a sleeping bag tonight. Maybe I'll camp out in my house.

As much as I am excited to go home, I really am going to miss this place. Not so much Idaho itself. But my house. And the ability to have people over. And my friends. Especially my friends. Yeah, I'm gonna miss this.

Where'd you go? I miss you so.

After a lot of thinking, prayer, more thinking, fights, more thinking, more prayer, some fasting, and some more thinking, "talking" to Preston, discussing with my family and sleeping on it, I have decided. I got what I was looking for when I went to Idaho. It isn't where I need to be anymore. Does that suck? Yes. I have amazing friends. A very cool house. A cute little dog. More importantly, 2 semesters of school left. Is it going to be hard to leave? Much harder than any of you will ever know.

When I fly back on Friday I will pack up my things, move out of my apartment, pack up my house, sell anything and everything and move back to New Jersey.

I've never really relied on my family for anything. I guess God thinks it is time I do. Who knows, maybe I can help them while they are helping me.

I just hate being the one to leave - because I feel like it is me that gets left behind.

Is it true that you like to sleep alone? Or is that what you just tell everyone?

So, I haven't updated in awhile. I'm in New Jersey. And I can't decide what to do. Do I suck it up and go back to Idaho and resume life? Or do I go back and pack up and move back to Jersey so that I can be around my family during this whole thing? Am I running away or being smart about this? What do I do? And why can't somebody just tell me the best decision? Either way it's going to be alot of work.

Last night I had a dream that I had brain surgery. And open heart surgery. And it was really ridiculous. And I've never been able to read into dreams that much. But that dream definitely let me know why I don't want to leave Idaho. I just never figured it out before now.

Sometimes what's right isn't always easy. But wow, I wish it was.