Day 1.

Today marks the appearance of a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel for me. After a long and tiresome stint as a less-than-great person (try around 6 years), I finally have a date of achievement set and a goal to work towards. For too long I felt bogged down in the mess that was my life without ever finding any relief. It seemed like one long entanglement after the other, with no change or even the slightest hope of change. The thing I realized is that I didn't have the faith in myself to change. Nor did I have the desire. Those are two very important ingredients to live. Because what I was doing wasn't living. It was being. And I knew I deserved more than that.

So here I am. And while I feel like I am cheating the system somewhat, I know this is how it is supposed to be. And I have this hope that I haven't had in such a long time. And things seem to be working out in ways I didn't think they would. I am incredibly blessed and grateful. Seriously. The whole time sitting there all I could think about was how grateful I am. I thought I had messed everything up beyond belief and repair. Turns out, I did mess everything up. But not beyond repair.

School is going well. Except I have a thousand word essay due by 3pm that I haven't officially begun. And a Spanish project due at 10am that I haven't done because I don't have a partner to do it. Which is funny considering it is a partner project. Go figure that one. Oh, and I don't have the number/really know anybody in my class that I could have called last minute to link up with. Hahaha. So I'll wing it. ::Crosses fingers::

In other big news (haha), which shouldn't surprise anybody, I cut my hair. I change my hair frequently, I'm not sure why. But I was growing it out because I missed my long and flowing locks and it made it to about the shoulders. And then I got all frenzied over some photo I found online late Thursday night, called the salon, and chopped it off the next day. About 6 inches. Overall I've gotten a pretty positive reaction. Clearly that boosts the self-esteem.

This weekend it SNOWED. I can't tell if I like the snow or hate it. I know I should have an opinion of it, but I don't really. Friday night I cancelled my plans with Robin and Baden due to weird circumstances surrounding my car, the missionaries, and the impending snowfall. I went to hang out with Adam that night - which was fun because he makes me laugh. Fundamentally, I think he is a very good person and highly entertaining. I think he thinks I am a mean person that doesn't really like him. But I sincerely do. I consider him a very good friend. I should just be nicer, I guess.

Saturday I trekked for an hour out in the snow to go to the post office in Lexington because BV's is handicapped and apparently closes on Friday. My car does not fair well in the snow. In other news, I went over to Neely's because she and Brinley wanted to see my hair. It's always interesting over there. I can't tell if she and I aren't close friends anymore because we don't want to be close friends, or if we aren't close because that's just the way it is. Either way, we both make excuses and nothing changes. And that's another story for another time.

The best part of Saturday was Nate. I haven't seen him in OVER A MONTH! AH! I secretly love him. Ha, okay. I openly admit I love him and think he is one of the funniest people I have ever met. We walked in the snow down to Alexander's (his family owns it, so even though it was closed, he had a key!) and got hot cider and sat and chatted. I would complain about walking halfway across town in the snow at night, but it was seriously peaceful to be out there and just having fun with him. We were such creepers walking home, but it seriously was one of my favorite nights of this year. Granted it is only 2 months in, but still.

In other news, the new missionaries are growing on me. I thought Anderson was a total Utard with a judgment complex. Turns out he's just a little harder to get to know. Tonight though, I think he finally realized I am not an apostate hooker, and that I do have faith and want to keep doing the right thing. And also that I am hysterically funny. Hahaha. Anyways.

Well, time to prioritize. I am going to do something for my Spanish project and then go to bed. My 2 hour break between classes later today will provide for ample time to write this paper...1000 words is what, 2 pages? Done and done.

Love.

Hall & Oats - You Make My Dreams

This is how I feel this morning. Nothing spectacular happened to put me in this mood. I just decided to wake up happy, so I did. Granted, I am dying from Body Flow (a mixture of yoga and tai chi moves that make your body twist in unnatural ways) but it was a great start to the day. Besides, I love this clip from 500 Days of Summer. It easily became one of my top 5 favorite movies the instant it started. And I rarely buy DVDs. But I own this one.

In other news, my dad's upbeat and positive email made me realize that I can conquor this semester and graduate and move on with my life. Fear was starting to creep in which was leading to immense doubt. But that email and this song have me less worried and more focused.

A particular goal of mine is to get up, get dressed fabulously, and look fantastic every day, no matter how blah I feel. Usually looking good is the best revenge. Who am I getting revenge on, you may ask? Not who, but what: last year, 2009. 2010 is my year. I feel it...granted it was off to a rocky start. But it'll get there. Just you wait.

This optimism is surprising. Who knew.

Catastrophe Keeps Us Together

I feel like this explosion. Except I am not as distinguished as Dali. I love Dali and everything he does. It's a little dark and twisty. But somehome magnificently beautiful - mostly because he has talent and vision immensly before his time.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

Today was interesting.
I want to yell and scream. But I am interestingly calm. I can't believe my car doesn't even look like it was fixed. Because it probably wasn't fixed properly. And I am alive and safe, which is good. I just hate that I wasted basically 5 car payments on fixing the bumper only to have it break 2 days later. I feel like running away and not thinking about anything. But I am in the beginning of the end of my college career and I can't stop thinking about everything.

I don't know what people want from me anymore. I am struggling to know why people from my past keep resurfacing and complicating things. So I'll just keep moving forward and let the past either catch up or fall away.

Off topic: its nice to speak my mind. And its also nice to have somebody care. The new year may be spiraling downward, but I'll just keep looking up.

This post is rather jumpy and rather reflective of the musical choice, or vice-versa. I think this is probably my favorite song from Tegan and Sara's new album. It's lyrics are simple and perfect. Plus, I am a sucker for repetition and rhyme.

I need to go to sleep. I keep waking up every few hours because my dreams are out of control. But that's another post for another time. Sleep wins.

With A Little Help From My Friends

I have a hard time letting people in...and usually end up pushing those close to me away. Most times I feel like people are inclined to hurt each other, so I tend to try and avoid the messiness of being close to people. But I think most of it is that I don't like admitting that I have problems or that I need somebody else, because that means that I am admitting that other people see me imperfectly which means I have to admit I am not perfect, which boils down to a pride issue and probably denial. Whew! So when people help me, I tend to be mortified and come off as ungrateful for it, when really I just don't know how to ever adequately repay them for helping me.

The people I've met at school here have stayed at the status of acquaintance because of the aforementioned confession with the exception of a couple people. Even in my relationships with them, I've always felt like I've cared more about them than they've cared about me. But usually, with the people I let in, I invest feelings very quickly, so that doesn't really phase me.

However, last night I was sincerely touched by the kindness of a friend (whom I thought was pretty indifferent) and his willingness to help me. Granted, I am completely mortified that I let said friend help at all and I cringe at the fact that he even knew I was in need of said help. And thus I am inadequate in expressing my gratitude which has now bowled over into embarassment and will result in immediate distance to pacify my mortification. And I worry that it will affect our friendship - probably not on his end, but on my end because I think it will affect his end. Either way, I feel stupid. But I got by with the help of a friend. That doesn't happen often because I don't let it. So yeah, it was important enough to blog about. And I know you won't ever read this. But thanks.

Starting Out, Starting Over

I'm terrible at keeping a journal. But I am pretty fantastic at listening to music or seeing art or reveling in the words of everybody else that reflect my mood, my day, my life. So I decided to combine them and maybe keep my New Year's Resolution for once. Here it goes.