I Still Believe In You.

The song Santa Claus by Alabama is probably the most memorable Christmas song to me. My family used to have this tape with Christmas songs on it from the 80s and every year around this time we'd play it all day long through Christmas, especially at night when we'd gather in our living room or when we'd decorate the tree or whatever. It was the most together I remember my family being. I remember my parents loved this song. Somewhere along the way that tape got lost. Somewhere along the way my family got lost, too. I don't know what prompted me to google the song tonight. Maybe it's because I've been really lacking the Christmas spirit in my life this season...well, more like these past couple months.

There is so much I should, could, would say here if I thought I'd have the courage to. But I don't. So I am going to bed. Goodnight.

I don't know a thing.

I haven't updated this in awhile, so I'll just touch on the important things.
1) I am moving to Arizona.
2) I move in about 2 weeks.
3) I had to get rid of Joey.
4) Life, as I know it, is in the past. Life, as it should be, is about to begin.
5) Everybody I know is pretty much getting married or is married. I still have yet to contemplate further on that.

I promise starting now to never know your name.

The more I get things together the more I feel like they may be falling apart.

"...about you telling me you love me, i dont know. i just dont know where im at right now. im trying to work hard, but i dont know what i want. going home scares me now. it feels like im trying to avoid everything. but not at the same time."

That could make me cry. But I haven't. I knew it was coming. What is ironic is that for the past 2 years I have shut myself off from everybody because I was afraid that if I got close enough to like somebody other than him, I would break his heart. And I don't break hearts. That just isn't me. And so in typical fashion, it all falls apart right before it should be going well.

Before I left Idaho I felt strongly that my testimony was going to be tried and tested once coming back to NJ and so I needed a stronger foundation. And so I worked really hard to get it together.

Is this why?
Is this the test?
If it is, do I pass?
And if this is passing, why do I feel like I just lost everything?

So so what

I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine.

Baby, just say yes.

It has been quite the adjustment moving home. Moreso than I think anybody realizes. Moreso than I ever thought it would be. But I know I am supposed to be here.

It is Preston's birthday today. I didn't send him anything. I hope he forgives me for that one. Things have been weird lately. Maybe it is just me. It might be. It actually probably is.

I have a really great job that I am doing really well at. And it has been a long time before I have LOVED waking up and going to work. The fact that I have been able to catch on so quickly and become so familiar and at ease there is such a blessing. And the fact that things are falling into place here despite some obstacles is such a blessing, too.

Truly, I think my life is just one miracle after another. I just need to stop worrying so much.

She said: You're A Massochist For Falling For Me.

I used to just walk around - in a daze, like nothing ever really mattered. I used to just sit and stare and wonder without ever producing any results. I used to take the matters of life and death similiarly, and very lightly. I used to be unable - no, incapable, of distinguishing the meaning of anything beyond the day to day monotonany of indecision. I wasn't living. I was just being.

I don't think what I am is called being sick - even if that is what everybody says. I don't think that is it, because it is something I do to myself. And I don't let anybody understand because I don't want anybody to understand. And I don't talk about it out loud to anybody because I don't want to have to explain it to anybody. And I don't want anybody to ask questions. But I think I need somebody to ask something. Because the same reason I do it is the same reason I don't want to.

I am not an unhappy person. I just feel like there is such a thick barrier covering up that happiness that nobody can see it. I think sometimes I forget to see it myself. But I see it now. And I want others to see it, too.

I tried it your way, but I got nothing to show.

I like Little Jackie and I normally don't like this type of musica.

So she took another step, said I see the way out and I'm gonna take it.

You know, I was going to write in this. But I think I am tired of not spilling my guts in an online journal.


Continued some other time, I guess.

It's not possible for me not to care.

Everything here is exactly the same, but so different. Well, maybe I am different too. A couple days ago Jared said that everything around you changes as a result of you changing. I've been thinking about that for awhile and I agree with him. Except I don't feel all that different right now.

I recognize the need I had to come back to New Jersey. But after not living at home for 3 years it is a complete change that I don't think I was completely ready for. I am a pretty private person - ironic since I keep an internet blog. But seriously. You haven't met my family. Everything is everybody's business. And drama drama drama.

I feel like I am a burden to everybody here. It is like everything I do here causes somebody some sort of grief or annoyance or anxiety. I have painstakingly ensured that my life never encroaches another, and I have never been a burden to anybody my whole freaking life. I'm not about to start now. I just wish everybody else could recognize that.

Maybe then I wouldn't feel so unwelcome and unwanted here.
Maybe then I could actually refer to this place as home and stop missing a place I never really liked all that much anyway.

Maybe one day I'll actually belong somewhere someday.
Maybe you should just get back already.

Dear Diary,

There are three things sincerely on my mind. One is how everything I tried to make work didn't so that what I have known is right will work out in the end. The second is how impossible it is for me to let go...of people, mostly. The third is how I want nothing more than to tell you everything that has happened from start to finish, and how I can't say a word to you at all right now.

Ok, I lied. There is a fourth thing. I love you.

When you mean it, I'll believe it. When you text it, I'll delete it.

Growing up under the various circumstances surrounding my family are nothing new to many kids. Alot of kids had it much worse off than I did. And I know divorce happens all of the time. And I get that families don't always stay together.

But there are things I will never stand for when I start my own family. My husband will never speak to me or our children with disrespect. I understand people become angry and yell, but there is a difference between anger and disrespect. I never want my children to ever feel the way I did yesterday.

I am varied in the types of guys I have dated and my dating history speaks as a testament to that. I have a certain list of qualities I look for, but they aren't set in stone and I have never placed importance on most of them because they are frivolous and more like wants rather than needs. But one thing that is of the absolute most importance is the ability of the man I am with forever to be able to admit he is wrong, apologize for it, and be respectful. So far, only one man has demonstrated this to me. And I say man, because those incapable of admitting wrongs are incapable of being called men.

Women have their faults, too. And I am not trying to be sexist here. But I am one of the most prideful people I know. And yet, whenever I am at fault, I always make sure that I recognize it and apologize for it. I try to not disrespect anybody to make them below me. And if I have, I apologize for it here, publically.

I have never understood what is so hard about sincerely saying the three words "I am sorry." I think the ability of one to utter these words is absolutely the mark of maturity. Because the more mature you become, the more you realize your imperfection. And I am by no means at the height of maturity nor are most people I know. And maybe it is the childhood I have had that has brought me continually to the point where I understand the importance and worth of an apology spoken sincerely. So I guess what I am saying is, if one good thing came from all that bad, it is the fact that I recognize my imperfection and refuse to put on airs for others. When I am wrong, I say I am sorry. And that's really all one can do.

You close your eyes and kiss your hand, then you blow it.

I am procrastinating cleaning the bathrooms. So I figured there is no time like the present to update my blog. Currently I am eating Ritz Cracker Sandwhiches made with REAL Peanut Butter. They are a little dry and sticking to the roof of my mouth. But since I haven't eaten these in like 17 years, I thought I'd try them. Anyways.

I am in New Jersey. Yes, I know most everybody thought I would actually never move back since I kept delaying my arrival here. I know I half expected to not move back myself. But alas, here I am. Sitting in the same computer chair I used to sit in when I was in 7th grade. And typing in a blog somewhat like I used to type in when I was in 7th grade. Weird.

A lot of really weird things happened before I left Idaho. Well, maybe not weird. But all in all, I am glad I got to spend a couple extra days with my friends. It is really weird to be here in New Jersey again. Everybody has practically left for college again. Life resumes, life goes on. I said weird alot in this paragraph, probably more than I have said that word in my life. Now I am singing the song Weird by Hanson. I love Hanson. But I digress!

I saw fireflies outside last night. I absolutely LOVE fireflies. And I love my back yard. I am much more appreciative of nature after living in Idaho. I can't wait till I find a car here so I can drive to the beach at night. If I had to pick a scene to live in for the rest of my life it would be the beach at midnight. I could stay there forever.

I should probably unpack. I have lived out of a suitcase since almost April. That is a really long time to not hang clothes in a closet. I think the main reason I don't want to unpack my clothes here is because that means it is permanent. And I know that, but it hasn't really sunk in that much that I am not leaving in a couple weeks to return to Idaho. For being such a big advocate of change, I am greatly opposed to it recently. I think for the most part it isn't the fact that I am changing. It is more the fact that while I change nothing stays the same.

Usually when change has taken place it is my very firm decision to change things to the way I want them to change and to ensure that this change takes place according to my specifications. I believe I may have mentioned this before. But as we all know that know me well, I have not done that fabulous of a job bending my life to my will. And so it is out of my hands. And that is scary for me. Because in case none of you have noticed, I am kind of a control freak. And really prideful. And so to keep my pride I've controlled change. And now there is no sense of control really left. Wow, this is a confusing paragraph. Then again, my life is kind of confusing right now.

I give it 6 months. I'm a stickler for timelines. And 6 months is all I've got. There is so much that has pointed to where I am supposed to be. And so I see where I am right now and what it is going to take to get there. And it will happen.

So here's to a new life. Here's to not making it fit the mold of my old life. Here's to good memories and good friends. Here's to family and much needed support. Here's to change, no matter how scary. Here's to learning and growing. And here's to being better than yesterday and leaving room for improvement for tomorrow. Here's to life, with all the obstacles it throws in the way. And here's to overcoming them and waking up each morning with the determination to do so. Here's to love, as crazy and complicated as it may be. Here's to you: for being there for me always. And finally, here's to me; I can do this.

so, in this hour...

I went for a drive tonight because I pretty much was bored out of my mind. Turns out that there was a lightening storm going on behind the clouds in the sky. Probably one of the coolest things I have seen in awhile. The moon was bright on one side as I drove past R mountain and the lightening was crazy on the other. It really was beautiful. But then again I am a sucker for things in nature. Just seeing stuff like that makes me feel wildly alive.

Lately things have started to make sense to me concerning certain areas of my life. And I am beyond grateful for the many realizations and blessings in my life. And more than anything I am grateful to be me at this moment. Something snapped Thursday night and I saw what it was I had lost and what it was I needed to regain. Funny how simple it all became after that.

I will be in Rexburg a bit longer to attend to some unfinished and various items of business. Something that suprisingly I am not upset about.

Can you still feel the butterflies?
...because tonight I did

And how long it would take me to walk across the United States all alone?

If life allowed me to paint it different colors, I would be able to more clearly express the difference between the person I was last week and the person I am as of Monday morning. It truly, in a non-cliche'd expression, be the difference between black and white. Or maybe more orignially like the difference between blue and yellow.

On more than one occasion I have been told that this blog is extremely vague. I've thought about that recently. So today I have decided to be as specific as somebody who enjoys being vague can be. That being said, don't get your hopes up too much.

Specifically, I am sitting on the ground in my bedroom typing on Tyler's computer. Last week I traded my laptop for a sweet cruiser bicycle that I will employ the use of frequently in Jersey. As I sit here my dog chews on a bottle of whiteout attempting to get the paper off. And I listen to Jimmy Eat World, my favorite band. I am contemplating the necessity with which I want to buy an iPod Touch. And why, while persuing Craig's List for said iPod, I came across a motorhome and had the distinct desire to buy it. Haha. Anyways.

I will depart from this state next Saturday, August 9th. Of course this is much later than I had ever expected to leave, but I know the reason for my delayed departure. So I am okay with it.

Okay, enough menial and unimportant rambles. I promised a little specificity, so here goes. I had an extremely long night Sunday night coming to terms with the way my life had been up to that moment. For the past 2 years I have tried to change, but for the wrong reasons. Because none of them had ever been for myself. Monday morning when I awoke I realized the necessity to truly want to change for myself. It is with that strong desire that I changed my life from blue to yellow in a matter of hours. Change, of course, is a process and not merely a moment of decision. But without that moment of decision, the process of change can never fully occur. I am priviledged to have had a 2nd chance given to me ten times over. This time, I am determined to see it through.

I will not be returning to BYU-Idaho. In December, after taking an institute class for credit, I will receive my Associates Degree. From there, the educational world is my oyster and I can persue my Bachelor's Degree, which may very well be from BYU-Idaho online or elsewhere, preferably in the Jersey area.

I have no idea what is in store for my life now. Everything I had expected it to be, isn't. Everything I had planned on turning out, won't. But just because things don't go the way I feel they should doesn't mean that they aren't going the right way. I discovered that I get a bit stubborn when it comes to the future. If I foresee something working out contrary to the way I intend it to, I do everything in my power to ensure life unfolds as I see fit. That usually results in catastrophe. And catastrophe it has been, or at least what I endearingly term these past few years.

It is about time I start seeing my life as God intends it to be, not as I intend it to be. And eventually, I hope that we begin to see eye to eye.

1,2,3,4

So I will not be able to leave Rexburg now in less than 7 to 10 days. Which sucks because I wanted to be out of here way sooner. Like as in 2 days. Had I not misplaced the title to my SUV like a freaking idiot, I wouldn't have to wait to get a duplicate title. I know I had it when I was moving out of Tuscany because my photographic memory has a little snapshot of exactly where it was. But then my memory goes blank as to what I did with it after that moment in time. Fantastic! I feel like I take 1 step forward and 3 steps backwards. Oy.

I thought I was sad about leaving here, but as of yesterday I seriously cannot wait to get out. I went for a seriously long drive last night to all my favorite places and sort-of said goodbye to them. As ridiculous as that sounds. I thought I would miss this place more than I do right now. I guess technically I haven't physically left. But mentally and emotionally, I've been gone from here for quite a while. I guess lately I just realized a lot of things. Mostly, I think I realized that goodbyes are not as sad as they sound.

With no lifesaver you try your best to float.

It hit me last night that I am leaving here. Jared and I had taken a drive out to the sand dunes, and the whole time it just felt different. I can't explain it. We have driven out there alot in the past year. And maybe it wasn't different but I felt like it was. I think it felt more like goodbye than anything else.

It was hard to sleep last night even though I was so tired. My mind has been going a thousand miles a minute. I'm not sure why - but I just feel like there is so much I have left unspoken and unsaid and unexpressed. And maybe it is because I am scared. I never tell how I truly feel. I just keep them to myself and allow a vague shadow of what I truly feel escape.

I think I really need to belong somewhere. I am afraid that may not be New Jersey, however strongly I feel that I need to be there. I don't think I necessarily need to be there just for me. I think moreso I need to be there for other people. And that is okay with me. Because I need to be needed. And where I am right now - here in Rexburg, nobody needs me anymore.

I think what kills me through all this is that I can never really tell you exactly what I mean. I hate to admit defeat and failure. And I hate that I compromised everything to try and be what you needed. When I turned out to be the opposite. And that kills me. I truly am so sorry.

I think my whole life has just been my attempt to try and mean something to someone. And it didn't matter the cost to myself, I've just kept going until I felt like I did. And the sad thing about it all is that if I had meant something to myself I wouldn't have tried so hard to be something to somebody else.

I am unusually hard to hold on to.

You're gonna miss this.

I don't know this song very well...but that chorus keeps playing over and over in my head. Probably because I threw myself a going away party tonight. Or because my hope is that you are going to miss me. Either way. It is stuck in my head.

I'm glad we took pictures. It was a nice time. There's so much going on in my mind right now. For instance, I will be buying a car tomorrow. That finalizes my trip out to Jersey. It is a cute car - old, but will do. Now just to sell mine. And since I have placed like 4 ads, hopefully it goes fast. And hopefully I will be able to make some of the money back in a garage sale. And get a good job in New Jersey. And all will be well financially, I hope.

I actually had alot to say in this besides daily rambles. But somehow I've lost my desire to write anymore. I feel like sleeping in a sleeping bag tonight. Maybe I'll camp out in my house.

As much as I am excited to go home, I really am going to miss this place. Not so much Idaho itself. But my house. And the ability to have people over. And my friends. Especially my friends. Yeah, I'm gonna miss this.

Where'd you go? I miss you so.

After a lot of thinking, prayer, more thinking, fights, more thinking, more prayer, some fasting, and some more thinking, "talking" to Preston, discussing with my family and sleeping on it, I have decided. I got what I was looking for when I went to Idaho. It isn't where I need to be anymore. Does that suck? Yes. I have amazing friends. A very cool house. A cute little dog. More importantly, 2 semesters of school left. Is it going to be hard to leave? Much harder than any of you will ever know.

When I fly back on Friday I will pack up my things, move out of my apartment, pack up my house, sell anything and everything and move back to New Jersey.

I've never really relied on my family for anything. I guess God thinks it is time I do. Who knows, maybe I can help them while they are helping me.

I just hate being the one to leave - because I feel like it is me that gets left behind.

Is it true that you like to sleep alone? Or is that what you just tell everyone?

So, I haven't updated in awhile. I'm in New Jersey. And I can't decide what to do. Do I suck it up and go back to Idaho and resume life? Or do I go back and pack up and move back to Jersey so that I can be around my family during this whole thing? Am I running away or being smart about this? What do I do? And why can't somebody just tell me the best decision? Either way it's going to be alot of work.

Last night I had a dream that I had brain surgery. And open heart surgery. And it was really ridiculous. And I've never been able to read into dreams that much. But that dream definitely let me know why I don't want to leave Idaho. I just never figured it out before now.

Sometimes what's right isn't always easy. But wow, I wish it was.

a line allows progress, a circle does not.

I have thrown off my sleep schedule somehow. I don't sleep in a bed anymore either. Instead I sleep on the couch. It is a comfortable couch - but my bed is comfortable, too. I think I feel less alone in the living room for some reason. Less alone sleeping on a couch then crawling into an empty bed in the middle of an empty house. That, and I usually fall asleep watching a movie.

I keep thinking about three words written on a piece of paper. It was a simple assignment - outlining a chapter and turning in a summary for an introductory education class. Why the professor chose to write these three words and return the single sheet of paper to me that day is beyond me. I first was a bit insulted by his simple question posed there in the white margin, written innocently in blue ink. But now I don't know whether to blame him for catalyzing this or thank him for providing perspective. It was just three simple words. Three simple words posing a very simple question: Are you happy?

I am in the process of making the answer to that question positive. Because life is hard, but it shouldn't be that hard. And when I look around me, I have so many things to be grateful for. And it has taken me a long time to accept that it doesn't matter how much stuff you have - real happiness comes from somewhere deep inside. And real happiness comes from being happy with yourself. I have preoccupied myself these past few years trying too hard to make other people see me a certain way and trying to make other people feel a certain way that I have ignored the answer to that question.

I have always been somebody who doesn't acknowledge the existance of something until I, myself, have said it out loud. And truthfully, that was the hardest part.

Things will be okay.
I am going home for my favorite holiday.
I am going to sit on the beach next to my family and dig my toes in the sand and watch the fireworks over the ocean...and I am going to be okay. My dad told me that is why God made families - so that we could all be there for each other.

I have a hard time admitting I need anybody. Somehow I feel weak when I do. Maybe more vulnerable rather than weak. Because I like to be the one needed. I try to not make it too obvious that I need you either. But I think I do.

I know things happen for a reason. And that we all have free agency to make choices and make wrong choices. And while my wrong choices were completely wrong choices, I am grateful that I can recognize that. And fix them. And fix me.

...when I was little I wanted to be a motivational speaker. Because of something I was told once, I have always known in one way or another I'd fulfill that aspiration. Either way, I needed motivation. And I found it in three simple words making up a simple question with a not-so-simple answer.

Are you happy?
Answer honestly. Because lying about it only hurts yourself. Trust me. I know.

Everything else is irrelevant to the story so far...

Tonight was the first time my father and I have had an actual conversation about something important in my life. I think this may be the turning point for our relationship. I also think I realized just how much I need a dad. I think things are going to be okay.

I need to find a cheap plane ticket.
I want to see the fireworks over the beach this 4th of July.

tear me off a piece of blanket.

I have sat here for a good hour trying to think of what to say. And then typing something and deleting it and typing something else. And I just give up. I have a million thoughts racing through my head. And a hundred thousand words I want to speak but don't know how to say. I think I am having an off day. But I took care of the things I needed to take care of. Well, the easy things.

I think I may take a semester extra to graduate. I was very gung-ho about the whole April graduation thing. But even if I do summer semester next year I will still student teach in the fall. I am just tired of being the one making all the sacrifices. Honestly, I am just tired.

She doesn't understand. So typical.

I just can't see further than my own nose at this moment...

I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am
I am

notice a trend? there isn't anything there.
there isn't anything here.
and when I told him that, he answered perfectly.

I think God knew I needed somebody like him when I went through something like this. When I got a blessing tonight I was told that this was the path I was intended to be on. And that I was strong enough to be here. I don't know if he actually said that last part, but thats what I think he said.

My dad called last night. And I just couldn't tell him. Because I didn't know how he would react. I have always been cautious of how people view me and I just couldn't bring myself to tell him. It was Father's Day. And it's not now. So I'll tell him.

I want some Ginger Ale. I was thinking today when I bought the Ginger Ale that I don't like ginger very much. And how Ginger Ale doesn't taste alot like ginger. So I like Ginger Ale but not ginger. Or sushi.

I think things will get better. But until they do not many people are very understanding. Granted I don't say much. And I think I just expect people to not be understanding. I'm pretty sure that's why my last email to Preston I told him everything. And then told him that he can back out and I would understand. Normally, when I say things like that I want the guy to tell me he'll never back out. And normally, the plan backfires in my face and I end up alone when I really just need somebody to be there. So that is what I was expecting today. But he told me he is in. One hundred percent in. And he may not be perfect. But Preston is perfect for me.

I can't think of anything else to write. So I guess I better just go to bed. Goodnight.

I know I am alone with or without you...

Is there truth in your pain? You decide.

I slept for 14 hours today. And then cleaned my house. I like the berry smelling powder I sprinkle on the carpet before I vacuum. It is a very soothing smell.

My mom has called me everyday now. I feel bad about that. But I knew it would happen. I miss her, so I am okay with it.

I threw away the flowers on my front porch. Jared told me that I had to water them everyday and pick off the dead parts and I didn't listen. And they all died. Maybe it didn't help that I half-assed their actual planting because I was using one arm to do it. Or maybe its because everything escalated from there and I forgot about them because I haven't been out my front door in at least a week. Whatever the reason, they are dead.

I never was a great gardener. Probably because I didn't try very hard. I'll just get some more and plant them in the box so it doesn't look so empty.

I should call Matt and find out when little Lily's baby blessing is. I am terrible at keeping in touch with people. Absolutely terrible.

I am going to Mer and Brent's in about 10 minutes. I miss my best friend. And my other best friend. When they were my best friends. All my best friends moved away. Or are on missions. Or are married to each other.

I want somebody to talk to. Hold a physical conversation face to face. Ah, well. I guess that is what Tuesday is for. People never are how they seem. If you are reading this, remember that.

I am nervous.

But tomorrow I'll do something to get it taken care of.
I think I finally have the guts to confront it.
You should never fix what isn't broken.
But you shouldn't ignore something when it is.
Relief: that's what this feels like.

A clean getaway

I love Grey's. There are very few things I 100% relate to. This show, as stupid as it sounds, is one of those few things.I wish I could change so many things: my temper, my irrational reaction to things, my constant need to be needed. I wish I could be different. I hate that I recognize my flaws, yet feel complacent in them. I wish so many things were different. Mostly I wish I were different. Because laying on the couch living vicariously through a TV show is hardly cutting it. Life changes in a blink. So I need to stop closing my eyes so tight, afraid of what I'll see and let change come as it may. I crave change. That's why I'm so terrified of it

Come to bed.

I like this video.
More importantly, I like the concept behind this video.
I miss Preston.
Long-distance love makes even a twin-sized bed seem lonely.

Too much.

I really dislike when people use me. I try really hard not to use people. Which is most likely why I get the shaft so often. Because I don't like to use people. And they like to use me. And I am nice so I say yes. Well, yes no more. I am too tired of it.

Maybe I am just too tired in general. Sleep has been sparse these past few nights. And yet I still survive. Life could be much worse, I know that for sure. It also could pick up a bit to tell you the truth.

I am halfway there to fixing things.
Further left to do:
-quit Tuscany
-finish out BRC's
-do something (anything) about volleyball
-catch up on homework
-learn to say NO

On that note, Goodnight.
PS. I bought a new computer since my old one seemed to be having a nervous breakdown. I like it. Alot.

Long Division.

I distinctly remember never saying thanks for things I truly love in my prayers at night because once I did, they were gone. I thought maybe it was a trick God was playing on me. I remember in high school I rarely prayed, but I remember one prayer vividly. I thanked God for my boyfriend at the time. The next day he broke up with me. I was pissed. Sometimes that is in the back of my mind when I go to pray at night and I thank God for Preston...in fact it was in the back of my head last night.

I seem to have an extraordinary sense of things that are going to happen in my future. Last week I knew something was wrong, I just couldn't figure it out. I put it out of my mind. Waking up this morning to that was definitely what I didn't need. And I can't tell if I am more upset that he said it or if I just have lost faith in it. Because when he tried to explain it more and make it okay, I just didn't feel okay.

I still don't feel okay. And I don't know why. Maybe because I have been putting hope in something that deep down I feel may most likely not happen. Because it doesn't seem to be working. And I haven't ever admitted that. But who is to say what is right and what is wrong? And why does something feel right one moment and not right the next? Why did this upset me so much?

Maybe it's like what Tyler and I were talking about last night. Maybe it's not. Either way, I am not one to give up on what I love most. So I'll just go back to what I did before. And not worry about this crap until next year.

Easier said than done.
I think the reason I like JD Salinger so much is because I relate to all his characters. While filling out my midterm for that class this morning I realized. I am a banannafish. Pure and true.

Hey Karma - remember when I told you I was a good person? What happened?

Dear Karma,

I am a very good person. Seriously. Remember that, please.

You just can't see a dream.

I am annoyed. And tired. Which is a pretty bad combination if you think about it. Somehow, no matter who or what, I am always disappointed. So what if I am being dramatic. I want what I want when I want it.

And I want you to pay attention to me. I don't like feeling neglected like this. I used to be important.

Just breaking the skin.

I leave tonight for Salt Lake. We fly out in the am for Brent and Mer's wedding. I'm pretty sure that will be extremely weird for me to wrap my head around. Weddings make me want love. I'm glad I have it. It's just not here. Nothing is here.

My life is either hit or miss. I can't seem to wrangle it in. Things will be going great, then bam! I am drowning in a river...or sitting on a couch by myself because I apparently did something (what, I know not) and offended my friends. In good news, Rob Thomas covered Smashing Pumpkins' 1979, and its pretty off the hook if I may say so.

I should go plant my garden. Or at least my planter. It's cold outside though, I think. I should probably clean up my house, too. It's gotten a bit messy from all the people over - but mostly just from the margaritas we made.

I wish I could write something profound. Something that would change somebody's life if they ever read it. Something that would be appreciated. I think I may try. Because I can't succeed until I at least attempt it. Then again, you can't fail if you never start.

Sometimes life is tragic. But instead of dwelling on that, I should probably just go do my hair.

Dress your wounds. Test your strength. Face the night.

I made the mistake of watching P.S. I Love You this evening. It was a mistake because, after having a day like mine, tears were inevitable. Just ask Whitney. I blubbered through the whole movie. In my defense, she may have cried a bit too. It was like everything I had been feeling came out in that movie. As Mer would say, it's definitely a Damien Rice night. Definitely.

I feel detached. I just miss everything so much.

Red lights turn to green lights.

Today was a most wonderful day. It's pouring rain outside. I love listening to the rain and just lying there doing absolutely nothing. I usually don't have the typical mormony things on my mind much, like finding a husband and making a family. But lately I can't stop those things from creeping up. All throughout teaching my lesson today in Relief Society I couldn't help but imagine my future.

Preston called me today. He woke me up out of a dead sleep. I think that was one of the best conversations of my life. Not because we talked about anything really significant or important. But because everytime he said "I love you" I just got butterflies. I couldn't even think straight because I just wanted him to know how much I love him. Because I really really do.

I went to Alene's and got to read to Addy and snuggle with her before she went to sleep. We sang what she calls the "angel song" and she laid down and I sang her to sleep. I normally don't sing, but for that little girl I'll do anything. I tried to whisper the words to the song "Somewhere Out There" but got choked up. I can't believe that everything is changing so much. I am going to miss her. And Alene and Andrew and Libby. My heart seriously breaks.

I guess it's off to write Preston and go to sleep. One day everybody I love will be in the same place together. And I won't miss somebody thousands of miles away. And I won't be watching the day approach that my family moves thousands of miles away. One day I won't be alone. It's soon. That, I am very sure of.

Goodnight.

Undeniable.

Why are people completely incapable of tying up their own loose ends? Why is it continually left up to me to fix everything? If my life were completely under control I could handle the mess dumped on me bit by bit every day. But since I am drowning a bit more than the usual college student, I cannot take this any more.

Dramatic? Perhaps. But when does everybody else realize they need to grow up and take responsibility for themselves?

Go, get your ribbon box.

Maybe it was the rain today. But I've been very contemplative tonight. But when I go to put it down in words, I can't. A hundred million billion things remind me of you. And things I want us to do. And places I want us to go. And mornings I want us to share. Lately I just can't stop thinking about it. I hate countdowns but I only have 287 days to go.

the wallet card.

Life has been busy. Sometimes life gets so busy that I forget to stop and think about things that aren't involved in the business.

It has been getting cold here at night. Perhaps it's colder tonight because it rained this afternoon for a little while.

There's alot on my mind. I feel like something's missing. I don't know what. Like my heart is somewhere else, beating in their body, not mine.

I have so much to do. And enough time to complete it all. And keeping busy is really good. But I feel change coming.

I am upset about my sister moving. I don't want to be all alone here. But more than that, I know we won't be as close because she'll be so far away.

The dramatic part of me feels like crying. The rational side of me realizes I need to just breathe in and out.

I miss Preston. Sometimes I get tired of waiting for forever to start. Dreaming gets tiresome when you have to wake up to reality. 10 months. I can do it. Loving him makes everything okay, even when its not.

My calendar says April. I am going to tear off the page and live in May. Soon enough it will be June. The future will come soon enough.

I love you Alene.

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

Technically, its May. And my mother's birthday. Happy Birthday Mother.

My older brother...well technically my only brother...called me today to tell me about his new baby girl - their first child. He sounded so proud, it was adorable. I wanted to laugh it was so cute, but I didn't (because it would have sounded rude).

I changed my hair rather drastically. I like it. Preston likes it. That's really all that matters. Speaking of changing my hair - my scalp hurts like it is bruised. I really hope it isn't.

This week has been good. Actually, better than good. Fantastic!

Tonight it looks as if we'll be heading out to Green Canyon. Other fun things should follow. I also may coach volleyball this semester. We'll see. Definitely.

Ciao.

Foreclosure Property.

Infomercials really become addicting. I think my apartment watches the TV Guide channel more than any other channel - mainly because we get sucked into the infomercials.

Today, I fell asleep reading a chapter assignment for one of my classes. And ended up sleeping through the class. Oy. What a great thing to do. Now I have to email the professor and apologize. I hate when ridiculous things happen like this.

My dad was here this weekend. It was pretty good, really. And now I get to move into Alene's house when they move out, which is great. Except it means Alene and Andrew are moving. Which seriously kills me. I don't want them to go. They are my best friends. And I hate not being able to spend as much time there as I used to. I can't believe they are moving though. To be honest, I wish I was going with them. I think it's going to be really really hard.

I better get to bed now I guess. School is going well. Just busy is all.

In the Airport.

There is a Starbucks in the airport. Too bad I am on a stinking diet, or I would totally indulge. I liked Phoenix, it was a good time. Back to Reality though. School starts tomorrow, who knows how I feel about that. It is probably cold in Idaho. I hope I don't miss the bus at 10 and have to wait until noon to catch the next one. That could totally suck.

My stomach is in some serious turmoil. I don't like traveling too much. And I am not a morning person. Bad commbo if you ask me.

All is well though. I made a traveling playlist and synced it to my ipod last night. How absolutely witty of me.

More to come.

Hot Tamale!

So, Neely gave me tamales from her little espanol members. And I ate one - and it was good. But now I feel icky icky icky.

In other news: kissing for 80 minutes burns 100 calories. It takes 3500 calories burned to burn a gram of fat. That means making out for almost 2 days straight will burn a gram of fat.

I'm in! :)
Hahahahaha.

Was I On Your Mind?

I have a feeling my blogging is going to get out of control. Meaning, I am going to become addicted to talking about myself and my feelings. Meaning, I will be more selfish than I already am now. Except I am not very selfish at all to be honest. Except sometimes. Okay, but really, who isn't that selfish (and still in college)?
Anyways.

I should probably go to bed.
I should also more intensly contemplate the decisions I am making in my life.
Going out with Neely and her comp tonight really gave me perspective into what I have in my life. Seriously. I am like one of the luckiest people I know.

I rarely think about my past decisions in a negative way, because I feel like it is pointless to brood over things you cannot change. And rarely do I look back at my life with regret. But when I was sitting there tonight listening to them teach investigators, I couldn't help but feel this pang inside about how that could be me changing people's lives. I could have been out for almost 6 months now. I know alot of people didn't think I would ever go on a mission. But I really wanted to. And I definitely wish I hadn't made the dumb decisions I did in my past. Things would have meant so much more to me now had I never done certain things back then.

I used to think had I never experienced what I term "those years" that I would never have gotten to where I am now. Looking back, had I just been stronger, I would definitely have surpassed where I am at now. I could be so much more. And if it hadn't been for Neely, I doubt I would have reached this point. And if it hadn't been especially for my mom and her constant understanding, I wouldn't have wanted to figure out my life. And had it not been for Alene and her husband taking me in and encouraging me to go to BYU-Idaho, I wouldn't have found out who I am supposed to be. Three miraculous women. I owe them so much more than I could ever say.

With all this gratitude, I am going to head to bed.
I am not sure if any of them know about or even read this silly blog.
But if by chance one day they do, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Show Me Everything You've Got.

Day 4 of Tempe Vacation:
I may have gotten a little over crispified yesterday. So I've spent most of the day inside paying bills and such. I am so freaking poor now. I payed tuition and rent. And I am basically crying into my sack cloth because I have no money. Tragic! I guess I need to contact my work and tell them that 3 of my paychecks are missing. And turn in my time card to Tuscany. There's almost a thousand dollars, which will make me feel better.

Aloe vera will probably also help me feel better. And help me not to look like a freaking lobster. Also taking off my ridiculously hot laptop from my scorched legs will probably ease the discomfort.

I rarely get burnt. But when I do, it's usually because I don't wear sunscreen. Hahaha. Oops! (Don't tell Neely, she'll massacre me!)

Speaking of Neely! I get to see her again tonight and go on splits with the sisters. I have never really done missionary type work, so this will be interesting! Other intersting things:
I have a ridiculous tanline from my jimmy eat world concert entrance bracelet.
I have a tanline on my finger from a ring - but I haven't worn a ring on that finger in over a year.
I like country musica more and more and more.
This morning I was talking in Spanish to myself. And nobody was around to answer. So I was answering. True story.

I Love Love.

So, I completed the semester. In the midst of writing 2 ten page papers, taking 4 exams in 2 days and completing 18 credits worth of courses, I survived. I did very well on both my papers - 100% to be exact. That probably was the highlight of my month...until this week.

Saturday I saw the one and only Jimmy Eat World. It was beautiful. Euphoric. I absolutely love Jimmy Eat World. The following is a beautiful picture from the concert:


Sunday I jetted off to lovely Phoenix to see my beautiful Michelle. Since then I have spent every day sleeping in, lazing by the pool soaking up some Arizona sunshine, and listening to good music (notice my emphasis on good). I have also taken up this running thing, which I hear is really good for you. Unfortunately I waited until 10pm to run last night and thus had an ever-increasing fear of being raped as I was jogging along their cute little neighborhood. I promptly returned to the house a bit dissatisfied with my brief attempt at exercising. Not to fear though, I have been keeping a very regular schedule of it, and one day will be cute again. I am almost positive it will happen. Soon.

Today I got to see my best friend since 7th grade. And when I mean best friend, I mean other half of me. Seriously. She is serving a mission in the Tempe, Arizona Spanish Speaking and I got to have her over to Michelle's for dinner! Obviously hilarity ensued. I freaking miss her so much! But I think tomorrow I am going on an exchange with her, which should be an intersting experience. Seriously, I am so stoked I got to see her. I credit that girl for saving my life, literally. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be at this point right now - I wouldn't even be halfway to where I am at. Seriously, I love her more than words. As a bonus, she is how I befriended Preston...and we see how well that turned out :)

Here are lovely pictures with my babymomma loverbuns:
Neely and her companion

Neely is apparently Muslim now

BEST FRIENDS!

Bye Hermana Tompkins!

Yeah. So basically life is freaking amazing. Seriously. I feel like everyday is love and sunshine baby. Maybe it's the warm weather. Maybe it's because I have amazing friends and a declious boyfriend (on hold). Or maybe it's because I feel so carefree. Either way, I can't stop smiling because most likely it's all of these things. I love it!

My Two Cents.

1. Stop being stupid.
Harsh you say? Well yes. But the harshness doesn’t change the fact that it is reality. As a guy, you know that usually what you do and say are not perceived to be rational, logical, or appropriate. If what you do or say you should not do or say, you need to take a step back. You should recognize that you probably don’t treat those around you the way you need to. So since you recognize it, stop. Stop being stupid. It is the fact that you realize something and don’t fix it that seals your stupidity to a horrifying emotional block. “But it’s harder to change than that.” Of course it is. Things in this life worth having are worth the sacrifice. Make it.

2. Follow through.
I hate nothing more than a guy who says he is going to do something and then doesn’t. Do not make promises you do not intend to keep. And do not use the fact that you never keep your promises as a justifier for your poor follow-through. If you do not intend to actually do what you say you are going to do, DO NOT SAY IT. It really is not that hard.

3. Find your flaws. Admit your mistakes.
Everybody notices at least something in themselves they don’t like and consequently notice others don’t like it as well. Once you find this flaw, do not enable it to surface more and more. Find a way to fix it. If you happen to like your flaw, you should really examine why you feel that way. Perfection is not needed here. But don’t be content with imperfection in yourself. You should have more self-respect for that. Don’t let yourself drag yourself down. In the same turn, if you make a mistake, acknowledge it. Apologize for it. Provide recompense for it. And have the sense to move on.

4. Don’t be judgmental.
Since you obviously are not perfect, expecting perfection is a very hypocritical trait to exhibit. Girls especially are perceptive to critique – and because of this are more prone to critique their critic. It’s a vicious cycle. Break it. It is not your job to point out the flaws in others. It is damaging and often the flaw you find will become a deep source of insecurity for whomever you point it out in. Don’t hurt those you care about. Focus instead on number 3; once your flaws are removed, then be my guest to judge.

5. Be open.
Don’t expect somebody to be an open book when you are so shut and locked its like you’re super-glued shut. Everybody has issues. Everybody likes privacy. And there is a mental line that doesn’t need to be crossed in a simple friendship. But if you cross it, you can’t expect her to not cross it as well. And when she hits that lock and can’t open it, she’ll become frustrated. And your friendship will become increasingly more frustrated. So don’t broach the line. And if you broach it, don’t cross it. And if you cross it, be prepared for the consequences. Dissatisfaction only results from your inability to reciprocate in this situation.

6. Don’t blur the lines of friendship.
NCMO. Friends with benefits. Hooking up. All these things lead to the same result: one person ends up with more feelings than the other and the friendship is screwed, if not forever, then for a good amount of time. Kissing is not worth screwing up with a person you supposedly call a friend. If you care about her feelings at all you will not kiss her. And if you like her, you will ask her on a date and if the date goes well, then you may kiss her. But kissing friends is not healthy in any situation. To any party involved. Avoid it. Seriously.

7. Be who you are.
Don’t be deceptive. If somebody doesn’t like you for who you are (flaws and everything), then it is their problem and you need to move on. Gaining new interests and perspectives is a great way to grow. But feigning new interests and perspectives is a surefire way to get yourself into a load of trouble, because sooner or later girls will see through the façade and their disappointment at your dishonesty will outweigh any feelings (be they friendship or whatever) they may have for you.

8. Be respectful.
This is possibly the most important thing to emphasize. And I mean being respectful more in the physical aspect of this rather than in the mental sense. If you can’t be with somebody without crossing the line, don’t be with that person. If you can’t think nice things about somebody, don’t think about that person. If you see a situation arising where respect could be thrown out the window, avoid the situation. Respect, once lost, becomes increasingly difficult to gain back. “My good opinion once lost is lost forever.” (Darcy, Pride and Prejudice really knew what he was talking about). Don’t let it get to that point. Give respect and demand respect in return. Friendships and relationships work so much better this way.

9. Set goals. Achieve them.
Make sure you are constantly going somewhere and reaching towards something. Stagnation is the biggest turn-off. Aim higher than you can reach. Fear of failure may be a crippling factor, but never trying because of that fear is an awful shame.

10. Be honest.
I don’t like liars. Most people don’t. Honesty may hurt. But catching somebody in a lie hurts worse and much longer. It is better to hurt for a moment than to hurt for a lifetime. Just be honest.

11. Lastly, apply the Mirror.
Others see you so differently than you see yourself. When I look at you I see potential in every single inch. I see so many things that you can do and so many talents that you have. I also see some serious things you need to work on. Be willing to accept compliments. Be willing to accept the criticism and apply it where you see fit. Be willing to be the person that others see you as.
In the same turn, be the mirror for others. Allow yourself to express to those you are close to how you see them. Give them the opportunity to be raised up by you. Those around you will never know how you feel until you tell them. Expressing emotion is not a sign of weakness. It is a serious strength of character.

So it is, just like it should be.

I slept much more today than I intended. Anyways. After sleeping for years I decided to go on a walk with the roommates. It all started well and dandy except it began to hail and then the wind decided to blow the hail all over us. Walking home was absolutely awful. As soon as we got inside, the hail ceased and the sun came out. Isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic, yeah I really do think.

I am so tired from sleeping all day that I am ready for a nap.
But I have a hundred million things to do. Somehow I am 20 quizzes behind in my physical science class. As well as needing to take an exam and the final by thursday. I have two labs left to do in my physical science lab. And I have an Old Testament paper, 25 scriptures to memorize, as well as 8 lessons to make up in that class. I have an American Literature final exam to study for and a paper due in Advanced Lit. I have so much to do. It's a wonder I am not freaking out. Because any normal person would be freaking out. But here I am, sitting on the couch, listening to my roommate and her fiance do her homework, and I just keep typing away at this little blog like I don't have a care in the world.

But I do have a care in the world. Rexburg is taking its toll on me. I don't even know why I am in such a hurry to get my degree. I will have done 4 years of schooling in less than 3, which is out of control. I hope whomever I marry appreciates the sacrifice I am making on his behalf. Basically, now all I can think about is how excited I am for Arizona in one week...well actually thats what I think about to stop thinking about something else.

Anyways, I am conflicted and confused and really grumpy. I hate living with this sense of doubt about things. I hate being disappointed. I guess what they say is true: ignorance is bliss. I keep trying to get over it, but the more I think about it the more I think about it, and the more that happens I just start feeling badly.

If I had to pick one scene from any movie to describe exactly how I feel, this one is it. Most definitely.

Seriously? Seriously.

Facebook causes a lot of drama. While it is good for things like stalking, it is not so good for hiding things...or hiding from things. For instance. If I didn't want to know that my boyfriend's exgirlfriend is getting married and that may or may not be the reason he decided to settle on me, I shouldn't have looked at facebook. Or if I didn't want to notice that our relationship status is removed from his facebook page - which is irritating, because why make such a big deal about putting it on facebook in the first place - I shouldn't have looked at facebook. Or if I didn't want to be invited to 20 groups announcing the engagement and marriage of practically everybody I know...I should stay off facebook.

I tend to have a love-hate relationship with facebook. Normally, I actually really like it. But today my love-hate relationship with facebook is moreso on the hate side. It actually has been on the hate side for almost three weeks now. Ever since the incident. Yes, because of facebook the incident occurred. And because of the incident I hate facebook. I blame her completely. Maybe. I think its the fact that I blame him when I really shouldn't that makes this all so complicated and hard to get over. Sigh.

In other news, I just realized that I do not hate cats. I think I have a fear of cats either biting me or clawing me. They are very unpredictable. Which is probably why I enjoy dogs more. They tend to be much more mellow, except when they have rabies. Then they are out of control. Speaking of rabies - worst movie ever award goes to Old Yeller. That movie haunted me for years. YEARS! That and ET are the worst children's movies ever created. Sick people live in this world. Sick sick people.

I think I am emo. I have tried really hard to stop being emo since high school. I even cut my side-bangs into blunt, straight-across bangs. But I guess it didn't work. Ugh. Now I am just some emo blob with barbie bangs. Fantastic.

In other news, today I spilled a whole kettle full of soup on the floor and myself today at work. To make matters worse it was spoiled because I forgot to turn the kettle on this morning and it was milky and curdling. I don't know what I did to deserve that, but I guess I am becoming the proxy for other people's bad karma. Or perhaps I am just a clutz. My emo ways tend to lean more towards the former. Unless I am not emo, then I just shouldn't have given up ballet and gained a bit more grace.

Enough of this. I think I will now go play spider solitaire. If I fail this semester due to lack of studying for finals and incompletion of work, at least I'll be pacified to know that I spent the last weekend of winter semester successfully beating my own high score in a friggin card game.

This blog is useless. The end.

I decided since I am such a big deal that I'd create a blog to pacify the surmounting desire for the masses to read about my extremely dull and boring life. And sometimes, if you are lucky, in the midst of all the monotony, a rare jewel of humor and intrigue will surface. Unlikely, yes. But maybe.

Since it is 3:30 am, I really have very few thoughts to offer. But the few I do have are as follows:
1) I am a very funny person.
2) I dislike people unable to face confrontation.
3) Secretly, as of about 12 hours ago, I have become obsessed with country music.
4) Wallyball has caused an odd egg-shaped bruise to surface on my left arm.
5) After 1am I unfortunately tend to curse like a truck driver for no reason at all.
6) The position I am laying in has caused a severe cramp to surface in the back of my neck.
7) My room is absolutely filthy.
8) I need to still do my taxes. I tried last night and got all kinds of confused.
9) I may potentially be a stalker.
10) When I close my eyes, I feel like I am floating. But not in a delightful way. More in a "I am stuck floating in a bowl of petroleum jelly" way. I think this signals my need to sleep (but I should possibly attempt at doing so with my eyes open).

Probably more humdrum tomorrow. Since, you know, I only have about a thousand things to do instead. Oh well, it'll give me a break from facebook.