It's not possible for me not to care.

Everything here is exactly the same, but so different. Well, maybe I am different too. A couple days ago Jared said that everything around you changes as a result of you changing. I've been thinking about that for awhile and I agree with him. Except I don't feel all that different right now.

I recognize the need I had to come back to New Jersey. But after not living at home for 3 years it is a complete change that I don't think I was completely ready for. I am a pretty private person - ironic since I keep an internet blog. But seriously. You haven't met my family. Everything is everybody's business. And drama drama drama.

I feel like I am a burden to everybody here. It is like everything I do here causes somebody some sort of grief or annoyance or anxiety. I have painstakingly ensured that my life never encroaches another, and I have never been a burden to anybody my whole freaking life. I'm not about to start now. I just wish everybody else could recognize that.

Maybe then I wouldn't feel so unwelcome and unwanted here.
Maybe then I could actually refer to this place as home and stop missing a place I never really liked all that much anyway.

Maybe one day I'll actually belong somewhere someday.
Maybe you should just get back already.

Dear Diary,

There are three things sincerely on my mind. One is how everything I tried to make work didn't so that what I have known is right will work out in the end. The second is how impossible it is for me to let go...of people, mostly. The third is how I want nothing more than to tell you everything that has happened from start to finish, and how I can't say a word to you at all right now.

Ok, I lied. There is a fourth thing. I love you.

When you mean it, I'll believe it. When you text it, I'll delete it.

Growing up under the various circumstances surrounding my family are nothing new to many kids. Alot of kids had it much worse off than I did. And I know divorce happens all of the time. And I get that families don't always stay together.

But there are things I will never stand for when I start my own family. My husband will never speak to me or our children with disrespect. I understand people become angry and yell, but there is a difference between anger and disrespect. I never want my children to ever feel the way I did yesterday.

I am varied in the types of guys I have dated and my dating history speaks as a testament to that. I have a certain list of qualities I look for, but they aren't set in stone and I have never placed importance on most of them because they are frivolous and more like wants rather than needs. But one thing that is of the absolute most importance is the ability of the man I am with forever to be able to admit he is wrong, apologize for it, and be respectful. So far, only one man has demonstrated this to me. And I say man, because those incapable of admitting wrongs are incapable of being called men.

Women have their faults, too. And I am not trying to be sexist here. But I am one of the most prideful people I know. And yet, whenever I am at fault, I always make sure that I recognize it and apologize for it. I try to not disrespect anybody to make them below me. And if I have, I apologize for it here, publically.

I have never understood what is so hard about sincerely saying the three words "I am sorry." I think the ability of one to utter these words is absolutely the mark of maturity. Because the more mature you become, the more you realize your imperfection. And I am by no means at the height of maturity nor are most people I know. And maybe it is the childhood I have had that has brought me continually to the point where I understand the importance and worth of an apology spoken sincerely. So I guess what I am saying is, if one good thing came from all that bad, it is the fact that I recognize my imperfection and refuse to put on airs for others. When I am wrong, I say I am sorry. And that's really all one can do.

You close your eyes and kiss your hand, then you blow it.

I am procrastinating cleaning the bathrooms. So I figured there is no time like the present to update my blog. Currently I am eating Ritz Cracker Sandwhiches made with REAL Peanut Butter. They are a little dry and sticking to the roof of my mouth. But since I haven't eaten these in like 17 years, I thought I'd try them. Anyways.

I am in New Jersey. Yes, I know most everybody thought I would actually never move back since I kept delaying my arrival here. I know I half expected to not move back myself. But alas, here I am. Sitting in the same computer chair I used to sit in when I was in 7th grade. And typing in a blog somewhat like I used to type in when I was in 7th grade. Weird.

A lot of really weird things happened before I left Idaho. Well, maybe not weird. But all in all, I am glad I got to spend a couple extra days with my friends. It is really weird to be here in New Jersey again. Everybody has practically left for college again. Life resumes, life goes on. I said weird alot in this paragraph, probably more than I have said that word in my life. Now I am singing the song Weird by Hanson. I love Hanson. But I digress!

I saw fireflies outside last night. I absolutely LOVE fireflies. And I love my back yard. I am much more appreciative of nature after living in Idaho. I can't wait till I find a car here so I can drive to the beach at night. If I had to pick a scene to live in for the rest of my life it would be the beach at midnight. I could stay there forever.

I should probably unpack. I have lived out of a suitcase since almost April. That is a really long time to not hang clothes in a closet. I think the main reason I don't want to unpack my clothes here is because that means it is permanent. And I know that, but it hasn't really sunk in that much that I am not leaving in a couple weeks to return to Idaho. For being such a big advocate of change, I am greatly opposed to it recently. I think for the most part it isn't the fact that I am changing. It is more the fact that while I change nothing stays the same.

Usually when change has taken place it is my very firm decision to change things to the way I want them to change and to ensure that this change takes place according to my specifications. I believe I may have mentioned this before. But as we all know that know me well, I have not done that fabulous of a job bending my life to my will. And so it is out of my hands. And that is scary for me. Because in case none of you have noticed, I am kind of a control freak. And really prideful. And so to keep my pride I've controlled change. And now there is no sense of control really left. Wow, this is a confusing paragraph. Then again, my life is kind of confusing right now.

I give it 6 months. I'm a stickler for timelines. And 6 months is all I've got. There is so much that has pointed to where I am supposed to be. And so I see where I am right now and what it is going to take to get there. And it will happen.

So here's to a new life. Here's to not making it fit the mold of my old life. Here's to good memories and good friends. Here's to family and much needed support. Here's to change, no matter how scary. Here's to learning and growing. And here's to being better than yesterday and leaving room for improvement for tomorrow. Here's to life, with all the obstacles it throws in the way. And here's to overcoming them and waking up each morning with the determination to do so. Here's to love, as crazy and complicated as it may be. Here's to you: for being there for me always. And finally, here's to me; I can do this.

so, in this hour...

I went for a drive tonight because I pretty much was bored out of my mind. Turns out that there was a lightening storm going on behind the clouds in the sky. Probably one of the coolest things I have seen in awhile. The moon was bright on one side as I drove past R mountain and the lightening was crazy on the other. It really was beautiful. But then again I am a sucker for things in nature. Just seeing stuff like that makes me feel wildly alive.

Lately things have started to make sense to me concerning certain areas of my life. And I am beyond grateful for the many realizations and blessings in my life. And more than anything I am grateful to be me at this moment. Something snapped Thursday night and I saw what it was I had lost and what it was I needed to regain. Funny how simple it all became after that.

I will be in Rexburg a bit longer to attend to some unfinished and various items of business. Something that suprisingly I am not upset about.

Can you still feel the butterflies?
...because tonight I did