Everything else is irrelevant, to the story so far.

I was about to post how my life is boring, etc etc etc.

And then somehow I stumbled upon the most glorious blog.

And fell in instant smit with the author, Eric Smith.

He, in a nutshell, is what I would define as my "definitely want, totally dig, would marry in an instant if he is a nice guy -guy," even if he does look a little bit like my Uncle Steve and has a receding hairline.

My life is increasingly pathetic if I am drooling over some blog guy's self-acclaimed achievements.

BUT WHY CAN I NOT MEET PEOPLE LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE?

Basically. He is an English professor, has written a book, is way into music in the way that he knows tons of bands personally/did photography for them/hangs out with the bands I listen to, owns a cute bunny, is clever, lives in a city, grew up in NJ, is INTELLIGENT, has drive, and is happy.

....Maybe he is the person I want to be? Hahaha. I never considered this before. Maybe I am swooning over him because he is the reality of the person I have always wanted to become. Interesting.

I need to figure out what I want to do with my life, pronto. I need to become the person I want to be. I just need to know who that person is.

Life goal #1? Most likely, yes.

Somewhere in the center sits a beating heart.

Yes, I am still obsessed with this song and have spent countless hours trying to find an mp3 download. So far, no such luck...

After a busy Friday (work, school, exam, etc) I arrived in New Jersey after the 6 hour long drive. It was great to be home! I unfortunately had to get right to work preparing my mini-lesson for my interview on Saturday...and consequently went to sleep around 2am and woke up at 4. Got ready by 5:30, got the train at 6:30, got to the city by 7:35 and waited around in Penn Station until 8, caught a cab, and was at my interview 45 minutes early.

The interview: unexpectedly weird. I flew through the math and writing portions of the exams they gave us. People complained that they were really hard. I either didn't know what I was doing and thought I knew what I was doing and failed...or did really well, because both were easy to me. My lesson wasn't how I had planned it to be, but I am pretty sure the combination of it being subzero temperatures, my exhaustion kicking in after 4 hours of interview tests, and nerves caused me to be less than perfect. And then the one-on-one interview was pretty smooth, except for some answers I wish I could change. But I can't keep rehashing it over and over. If it is meant to happen, it is meant to happen. Moving on.

Caught the train home. Barely. The entire NJTransit floor of Penn Station was filled with people standing, sitting, sleeping -- and as soon as I saw the masses, I knew they were waiting for the track of the train I needed to catch to be posted. And just as I had thought, as soon as they posted Track 2, the entire floor seemed to start herding towards the escalator down to the track...it was like watching water through a sieve. The double decker train was PACKED.

After finally getting home, I proceeded to then watch the Olympics with Mom and Kelsey. And then I fell asleep in an awkward position on the couch...and basically passed out for the rest of the day and slept until we went to pick up Kelsey from a hockey game and had to navigate the poorly plowed roads of Jersey. We watched some more Olympics and after screaming loudly at the TV in short bursts of excitement (way to go Ohno), we all decided to go to bed.

This morning Mom woke me up and gave me a little V-day treatie. Little known fact - I adore stuffed animals. She got me a dog :) I ended up falling asleep until 1pm...whoops!

This is alot of detail about my life. Anyways. I navigated back to BV today and arrived shortly before midnight, just in time to email my jogging and weight lifting logs to my teacher (which I had completely forgotten about...and may have sped slightly in order to make it home in time to turn them in).

Driving home I had TONS of time to think about things. And all I really want to say about all that is this: I dislike socks. But sometimes they are necessary. Very indicative of life, yes?

Love.

Set asail, catch a breeze.

I have slept a lot this week. Probably because I am on a very abnormal sleeping schedule. I blame the snow. And Adam's collection of Arrested Development.

Monday, my roommate Abby and I started this Maple Syrup Cleanse. Can I just tell you how much I hate it? I probably sleep so much because I am horrifyingly hungry all the time. This is apparently supposed to cleanse the body of toxins. What it has been doing is cleansing my life of happiness. Hahaha. Okay, I am being hyper dramatic. But, still. It isn't the most exciting of weeks.

I was bored last night, trying to keep myself awake until 3am, and came across a blog pretty much dedicated to me. Creeeeepy. Normally I am pretty straight forward with guys I don't like and just tell them I don't like them, but this one will NOT get the hint. So, I am sort of addicted to reading it. I know that is weird. But it is semi-entertaining to me. Is that mean? Probably. Oh well.

Thursday is approaching, which basically means a day full of death. I don't know what possessed me to think that I could deal with 8 straight hours of class. I guess I was hopeful.

This weekend I am excited to head home. Things that need to be accomplished before heading to NJ:
1) Get the crack in my windshield fixed. The snow and cold weather caused my entire windshield to crack all the way across. Awesome.

2) Get money from the ATM for said crack. Suck, I forgot to do this.

3) Pack for NJ and my interview. Luckily, I have that pretty planned out. Except I need to plan my lesson I am going to teach in front of the fellowship board. FML. Why do I keep procrastinating everything?

4) Take REL 122 exam Friday. I thought I wouldnt be able to take this exam because the BYU Independent study deadline was today, but somehow SVU didn't suck for once and I got to extend the exam. Way to go, SVU. Way to go.

5) Work. I need money. I shouldn't have been a narcoleptic today and gone in to work with Abby. Oh well, I'll go on Friday.

6) Find a way to put the song Swans by the Format onto my ipod without having it be crappy quality. This has been a special task I have undertaken. I discovered this song this weekend, and I LOVE IT. Of course it is not released. Of course I tried to copy the video to my desktop using a video capture tool, and so the audio quality is super crappy. I have almost learned this on my guitar (it is only 3 chords), but I want to be able to listen to it in my car. In the off chance that somebody actually reads this blog and can somehow deliver me with the audio file of this song, I will marry you on the spot. Promise.

Snow Den

I hate the snow.

I have been in my house for what seems to be months, which, in reality, has only been 2 days.

Today I spent most of the day awkwardly awake and in a daze. I didn't do anything. Until I ventured out and tried to be social. Upon responding to a friendly "hello," I was accused of flirting with some girl's boyfriend and told that my reputation apparently preceded me and it would be best if I leave. I was social for 15 minutes. And then I went to Wal-Mart and bought muffin mix and brown tights. Of course there were 5 people in the store when I went in and when I was walking towards the checkout, every single person in Lexington seemed to be rushing towards the only 2 lanes open. I stood in line for a longer amount of time than I had spent walking around the store. Lame.

I came home, baked muffins, contemplated bed, and then got a text inviting me to come over because said texter was "alone."

Now, things I know about this man: 1) he has a girlfriend 2) I know his girlfriend, as in I have met her 3) he has expressed wanting to hook up before

So, why is it that people who are completely unavailable tend to gravitate towards me? I am not being dramatic about this either. Let's recap:
-My first kiss, grade 8, age 14. I am at a birthday party and the guy I like walks up to me and we kiss. He has a girlfriend. She isn't at the party, but oh her friends were. The kiss was awesome. Dealing with his girlfriend the next week in school? Not so awesome.

- Arizona. Boy at work, only kid near to my age. He gets my number, invites me to a party. I go to meet up with him and end up meeting him, his finance, and their child. Needless to say, I leave the party. He texts me telling me he was sad we didn't get to hook up. He then approached me at work about how he still wanted to hook up. Luckily, I was fired that week.

- The month after Arizona, I meet some guy at SVU. He is engaged. He tries to hookup with me AND date me despite this. FOR 4 MONTHS! It was ridiculous.

- This summer I visit NJ and a boy who I have been friends with for years takes me out. He has a girlfriend. He makes a move and kisses me. After we just had a conversation about how much he loves his gf.

- Currently 3 guys, all with girlfriends or engaged, keep trying to get me to sext with them. True story.

- Currently, texter keeps trying to get me to come over. I keep saying no. Texter pushes again. I say no. This could go on all night, except second texter, clearly engaged, invites me over to "snuggle and stuff."

Now. I am often complaining how I have nobody to date and very few guy options. This remains true even after this post. Most of the guys I know are engaged or in serious relationships. And they seem to be the only people trying to get with me. WHY!? I have no answers. When I ask them, they have no answers.

I don't know when or where this came from or how it became present in my demeanor that I am down for that sort of thing, but I wish I could make it go away. Because I would like to attract a nice, sane, semi-nerdy guy who is unattached and available.

And I'll quit ranting about this now. But it plagues my life. Seriously.

QNT (Quality Naked Time)

Why am I awake at almost 5am?

Why am I listening to Miley Cyrus?

I just took the longest shower ever. It was so refreshing. Granted it was at 4:30am, which is a little bizarre. But I decided I should shower at this time always. It is very peaceful. And I probably could have walked around my apartment naked if I wanted. Which, let's be honest, I wanted to do. But I refrained, because Crasian surfaces from her room at odd times. Ever since the Torey Brown* incident of 2009, I haven't been able to enjoy naked time properly.

This snow has barricaded me in my apartment for the weekend. And Crasian has been singing like a banshee all day...with her door open, nonetheless. And then she moves around the house singing Heaven knows what and glides back into her room. I clearly was trying to nap when she went around asking the housemates if we had garbage to fill up the black bag she was toting. No Crasian, no.

Nancy is mad at Abby and I. Oy vey, when isn't she? I swear that snaggle-toothed vagina needs to calm down a bit. This morning Abby and I went to work at like 8. We were sent home at 10 to avoid disaster on the roads. Apparently our walking into the house woke up Nancy. She told our landlords about it, like we are children and needed to be tattled on. And I may have acted like a 5 year old and belted out some opera at the top of my lungs while standing in the kitchen after said occurrence. But I never claimed to be more mature than she is. And I don't take it back, because it was mind-blowing hysterical.

I have recently stumbled upon a website called Mormon Bachelor Pad. It seriously has been one of my favorite discoveries. Since today I was snowed in and had nothing better to do, I read all 7 or 8 months of posts. Lame, I know. But I was so relieved that normal Mormon guys actually exist. And that Mormons have a sense of humor like unto mine! I thought I was an anomaly. What kills me is that they get all these hateful comments condemning them to hell and calling them assholes. Which is probably the most hysterical thing I have ever heard.

Anyways, I was going to go on a tirade about how guys keep trying to use me for booty calls when they have girlfriends, fiances, wives, etc...but I am engaging in a very interesting conversation with Jeff, quite possibly the male equivalent of myself, and it is requiring my full attention at this moment. I normally can multi-task quite proficiently, but this late at night I struggle. Well, who am I kidding. Lately I just struggle in general.

*Torey Brown was my room roommate's best friend when I shared a room. She had this weird habit of sleeping in my bed whenever I went out of town or staying in my roommate's bed whenever she was out of town. The night of Spring Formal my room roommate was out on the couch, so I knew our room was safe for some quality NT (naked time). So I walked into the room, turned on the light, stripped down to my birthday suit, and enjoyed dancing around while picking out what pajamas I would wear. Our closet had 2 mirrored doors...just keep this in mind. Upon 10 or so minutes of good quality nakedness, I proceeded to put on my pajamas. As I turned toward my bed, a hand shot out from Julie's covers and turned off the computer monitor. Much to my horror Torey Brown had been in Julie's bed the ENTIRE time. She didn't even cough or make a rustle in the sheets to signify she was there. And whether or not the webcam (which frequently was in use by both Julie and Torey on a daily basis) was on, I knew not. But I shamefacedly turned off the light without saying a word and got into bed. As I closed my eyes, Torey said in a cheery voice "Goodnight Jenna." Needless to say...I got my own room after that semester.

Seriously? Seriously.

So, I am slightly retarded. I do weird things sometimes to make myself sad. Like 5 minutes ago I went and looked at all the people I used to be friends with and got slightly jealous that we aren't friends anymore. Stupid. So I stopped.

We are supposed to get around 40 inches of snow. Or something ridiculous like that. I do NOT want to be stuck in my house for the entire day/weekend. My roommates are taxing enough as it is seeing them less than 4 hours a day. But luckily school is cancelled tomorrow! Smooth move SVU. Smooth move! I maybe now can work for a few hours and not be horrifyingly poor. Because that is what I am, as of late. Terribly, horribly poor. That's what happens when you for 10 hours for the entire month of January. So please February, be fruitful in the form of paychecks.

In other news, I figured out how to sync the audio and video for my webcam, which initially frustrated me with its inability to cooperate and then delighted me when I learned how to trick it into submission. This also seems to be the way all relationships in my life work. Hmmm. Interesting.

Speaking of relationships. Benedict's class today killed me. I apparently am the only person with brains enough to carry on an intelligent conversation with him. And by intelligent, I mean I am not afraid to disagree with him. Even if he is an award-winning author/lawyer/influential/slightly-scary/intimidating man. So I spoke my mind on love and life today. And I am all the better for it. Even though I was called a fem-nazi, and am pretty sure I will never get a date at this school for the remainder of my life. But, I at least gained the respect of a superior and wasted an ample portion of our near 3 hour class period. So, kudos to myself. I am just amazing, apparently.

Uhm. Brief updates?

I received an A for amazing on my Oliver Twist paper. Yeah, the one that I whipped out 2 hours before it is due and didn't even READ the entire novel for. Amazing. I am gloating, yes, that's what I look like when I gloat.

School lagged on forever today. Thursdays are killer. Usually I am in class from 8am until 9:30pm. Luckily today I was only in class from 2pm until 9pm. It still is a seriously long time to only have a 15 minute break in between 7 hours of instruction. Anyways.

Life is all together bueno. I have had short hair now for 1 week and I think I may be getting used to it. One day I'll wake up and not scream when I look in the mirror in fear that I died in my sleep and my spirit has possessed a man's body....

I get really weird late at night. I should go to bed before 10pm always so as to not frighten everybody I know. Then again, NOBODY reads this blog. Therefore, I am pretty content being a weirdy.

Keep warm. Buy a snuggie.

Love.

Day 3.

Warning: The words and my mouth aren't synchronized for some reason. Which results in a very hysterical video. But give me a break, it was my first try.

Day 2.

Things our school should have done today but failed to do: 1) Cancel school 2) Plow the parking lots 3) Shovel the sidewalks 4) Turn on the heat

Needless to say, the snow provided a bit of a struggle today. But alas, I only ended up snapping my debit card in half trying to scrape the ice off my windshield. All in all, a success.

I finished my paper on Oliver Twist. I don't think it is very good. Then again, who am I to judge? The last sentence at least was a clincher, which is sort-of my signature style. After class I napped for a long and glorious time period which was interrupted by Elaine on Skype, once again. She is on her computer Skyping at least 4 times a day. And she doesn't talk at a normal decibel level. SHE SCREAMS. And it is usually in another language. Which makes it ten times more annoying. And end rant, as I am getting worked up just thinking about it.

After said nap, I checked my email. Drum roll please! I got invited to interview for the NYC Teaching Fellowship I applied to! In a nutshell, I would be a salaried NYC school teacher AND be getting paid to get my Master's degree. The chances I would even get an interview were  slim and so I didn't get my hopes up. But I felt really prompted to apply for this Fellowship, even though I was going to blow it off. So I finished my application the day it was due and submitted it and here we are. So I head up to NJ the weekend of Valentine's Day, because I have President's Day off...and spend 5 hours in an interview process with the Fellowship people in Manhatten on the 13th.

My immediate reaction was "CRAP I CUT OFF ALL MY HAIR AND I LOOK LIKE A MAN!"

But then I calmed down. And realized that they didn't even know what I looked like when they extended an interview opportunity, so they like me for the way I appear on paper. Whew.

In other news I've enjoyed being able to converse with my sister Alene a lot more since she discovered the benefits of Facebook chat. Sadly, I don't ever get to talk to my little sister Kelsey. I should work on that. Plus I haven't seen/spoken to my brother in months. I am totally failing at my family right now. I need to make a greater effort. February goal #2.

So... weird thing? I feel like my life started over as of last night. I feel like such a different person. And I really hope this feeling stays.

Things I hope don't stay: 1) the red spot forming under my nose that is horrifyingly painful 2) the snow

And I think that pretty much wraps it up for today. I am a little eccentric at 3am. I hope one day that somebody will be able to appreciate and understand me enough to deal with me at 3am. Which makes me think that I am not opposed to dating this semester. Shocked? Me too.

Anyways. My head is all over the place and I am being more funny to myself than to anybody else. So, time for bed.

Love.

Day 1.

Today marks the appearance of a proverbial light at the end of the tunnel for me. After a long and tiresome stint as a less-than-great person (try around 6 years), I finally have a date of achievement set and a goal to work towards. For too long I felt bogged down in the mess that was my life without ever finding any relief. It seemed like one long entanglement after the other, with no change or even the slightest hope of change. The thing I realized is that I didn't have the faith in myself to change. Nor did I have the desire. Those are two very important ingredients to live. Because what I was doing wasn't living. It was being. And I knew I deserved more than that.

So here I am. And while I feel like I am cheating the system somewhat, I know this is how it is supposed to be. And I have this hope that I haven't had in such a long time. And things seem to be working out in ways I didn't think they would. I am incredibly blessed and grateful. Seriously. The whole time sitting there all I could think about was how grateful I am. I thought I had messed everything up beyond belief and repair. Turns out, I did mess everything up. But not beyond repair.

School is going well. Except I have a thousand word essay due by 3pm that I haven't officially begun. And a Spanish project due at 10am that I haven't done because I don't have a partner to do it. Which is funny considering it is a partner project. Go figure that one. Oh, and I don't have the number/really know anybody in my class that I could have called last minute to link up with. Hahaha. So I'll wing it. ::Crosses fingers::

In other big news (haha), which shouldn't surprise anybody, I cut my hair. I change my hair frequently, I'm not sure why. But I was growing it out because I missed my long and flowing locks and it made it to about the shoulders. And then I got all frenzied over some photo I found online late Thursday night, called the salon, and chopped it off the next day. About 6 inches. Overall I've gotten a pretty positive reaction. Clearly that boosts the self-esteem.

This weekend it SNOWED. I can't tell if I like the snow or hate it. I know I should have an opinion of it, but I don't really. Friday night I cancelled my plans with Robin and Baden due to weird circumstances surrounding my car, the missionaries, and the impending snowfall. I went to hang out with Adam that night - which was fun because he makes me laugh. Fundamentally, I think he is a very good person and highly entertaining. I think he thinks I am a mean person that doesn't really like him. But I sincerely do. I consider him a very good friend. I should just be nicer, I guess.

Saturday I trekked for an hour out in the snow to go to the post office in Lexington because BV's is handicapped and apparently closes on Friday. My car does not fair well in the snow. In other news, I went over to Neely's because she and Brinley wanted to see my hair. It's always interesting over there. I can't tell if she and I aren't close friends anymore because we don't want to be close friends, or if we aren't close because that's just the way it is. Either way, we both make excuses and nothing changes. And that's another story for another time.

The best part of Saturday was Nate. I haven't seen him in OVER A MONTH! AH! I secretly love him. Ha, okay. I openly admit I love him and think he is one of the funniest people I have ever met. We walked in the snow down to Alexander's (his family owns it, so even though it was closed, he had a key!) and got hot cider and sat and chatted. I would complain about walking halfway across town in the snow at night, but it was seriously peaceful to be out there and just having fun with him. We were such creepers walking home, but it seriously was one of my favorite nights of this year. Granted it is only 2 months in, but still.

In other news, the new missionaries are growing on me. I thought Anderson was a total Utard with a judgment complex. Turns out he's just a little harder to get to know. Tonight though, I think he finally realized I am not an apostate hooker, and that I do have faith and want to keep doing the right thing. And also that I am hysterically funny. Hahaha. Anyways.

Well, time to prioritize. I am going to do something for my Spanish project and then go to bed. My 2 hour break between classes later today will provide for ample time to write this paper...1000 words is what, 2 pages? Done and done.

Love.

Hall & Oats - You Make My Dreams

This is how I feel this morning. Nothing spectacular happened to put me in this mood. I just decided to wake up happy, so I did. Granted, I am dying from Body Flow (a mixture of yoga and tai chi moves that make your body twist in unnatural ways) but it was a great start to the day. Besides, I love this clip from 500 Days of Summer. It easily became one of my top 5 favorite movies the instant it started. And I rarely buy DVDs. But I own this one.

In other news, my dad's upbeat and positive email made me realize that I can conquor this semester and graduate and move on with my life. Fear was starting to creep in which was leading to immense doubt. But that email and this song have me less worried and more focused.

A particular goal of mine is to get up, get dressed fabulously, and look fantastic every day, no matter how blah I feel. Usually looking good is the best revenge. Who am I getting revenge on, you may ask? Not who, but what: last year, 2009. 2010 is my year. I feel it...granted it was off to a rocky start. But it'll get there. Just you wait.

This optimism is surprising. Who knew.

Catastrophe Keeps Us Together

I feel like this explosion. Except I am not as distinguished as Dali. I love Dali and everything he does. It's a little dark and twisty. But somehome magnificently beautiful - mostly because he has talent and vision immensly before his time.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

Today was interesting.
I want to yell and scream. But I am interestingly calm. I can't believe my car doesn't even look like it was fixed. Because it probably wasn't fixed properly. And I am alive and safe, which is good. I just hate that I wasted basically 5 car payments on fixing the bumper only to have it break 2 days later. I feel like running away and not thinking about anything. But I am in the beginning of the end of my college career and I can't stop thinking about everything.

I don't know what people want from me anymore. I am struggling to know why people from my past keep resurfacing and complicating things. So I'll just keep moving forward and let the past either catch up or fall away.

Off topic: its nice to speak my mind. And its also nice to have somebody care. The new year may be spiraling downward, but I'll just keep looking up.

This post is rather jumpy and rather reflective of the musical choice, or vice-versa. I think this is probably my favorite song from Tegan and Sara's new album. It's lyrics are simple and perfect. Plus, I am a sucker for repetition and rhyme.

I need to go to sleep. I keep waking up every few hours because my dreams are out of control. But that's another post for another time. Sleep wins.

With A Little Help From My Friends

I have a hard time letting people in...and usually end up pushing those close to me away. Most times I feel like people are inclined to hurt each other, so I tend to try and avoid the messiness of being close to people. But I think most of it is that I don't like admitting that I have problems or that I need somebody else, because that means that I am admitting that other people see me imperfectly which means I have to admit I am not perfect, which boils down to a pride issue and probably denial. Whew! So when people help me, I tend to be mortified and come off as ungrateful for it, when really I just don't know how to ever adequately repay them for helping me.

The people I've met at school here have stayed at the status of acquaintance because of the aforementioned confession with the exception of a couple people. Even in my relationships with them, I've always felt like I've cared more about them than they've cared about me. But usually, with the people I let in, I invest feelings very quickly, so that doesn't really phase me.

However, last night I was sincerely touched by the kindness of a friend (whom I thought was pretty indifferent) and his willingness to help me. Granted, I am completely mortified that I let said friend help at all and I cringe at the fact that he even knew I was in need of said help. And thus I am inadequate in expressing my gratitude which has now bowled over into embarassment and will result in immediate distance to pacify my mortification. And I worry that it will affect our friendship - probably not on his end, but on my end because I think it will affect his end. Either way, I feel stupid. But I got by with the help of a friend. That doesn't happen often because I don't let it. So yeah, it was important enough to blog about. And I know you won't ever read this. But thanks.

Starting Out, Starting Over

I'm terrible at keeping a journal. But I am pretty fantastic at listening to music or seeing art or reveling in the words of everybody else that reflect my mood, my day, my life. So I decided to combine them and maybe keep my New Year's Resolution for once. Here it goes.