At work I have drowned myself in data and spreadsheets because I need to space everybody's problems out a little bit. My job is to literally problem solve. And it can become overwhelming and exhausting and just ...difficult to solve problems for everybody else when I can't solve my own problem.
I often think about why I pushed off having a family for so long. And why I was so afraid. And now it's come to a point where that may have passed me by. That's a real thing. I honestly could be alone and without children for the rest of my life. And it makes me so angry at myself, for being so dumb, for being so afraid, for being so selfish.
And this is my life. I love somebody who can't love me back. I fix problems for children that aren't mine. And I fall asleep alone. I wake up alone. I eat lunch alone. I go to the store alone. I am surrounded by millions of people. And I am more alone than I have ever been. And somehow, I made that choice. So who's to blame? Me. And most days it makes it hard to look in the mirror at the face carrying all that around.
