You just can't see a dream.

I am annoyed. And tired. Which is a pretty bad combination if you think about it. Somehow, no matter who or what, I am always disappointed. So what if I am being dramatic. I want what I want when I want it.

And I want you to pay attention to me. I don't like feeling neglected like this. I used to be important.

Just breaking the skin.

I leave tonight for Salt Lake. We fly out in the am for Brent and Mer's wedding. I'm pretty sure that will be extremely weird for me to wrap my head around. Weddings make me want love. I'm glad I have it. It's just not here. Nothing is here.

My life is either hit or miss. I can't seem to wrangle it in. Things will be going great, then bam! I am drowning in a river...or sitting on a couch by myself because I apparently did something (what, I know not) and offended my friends. In good news, Rob Thomas covered Smashing Pumpkins' 1979, and its pretty off the hook if I may say so.

I should go plant my garden. Or at least my planter. It's cold outside though, I think. I should probably clean up my house, too. It's gotten a bit messy from all the people over - but mostly just from the margaritas we made.

I wish I could write something profound. Something that would change somebody's life if they ever read it. Something that would be appreciated. I think I may try. Because I can't succeed until I at least attempt it. Then again, you can't fail if you never start.

Sometimes life is tragic. But instead of dwelling on that, I should probably just go do my hair.

Dress your wounds. Test your strength. Face the night.

I made the mistake of watching P.S. I Love You this evening. It was a mistake because, after having a day like mine, tears were inevitable. Just ask Whitney. I blubbered through the whole movie. In my defense, she may have cried a bit too. It was like everything I had been feeling came out in that movie. As Mer would say, it's definitely a Damien Rice night. Definitely.

I feel detached. I just miss everything so much.

Red lights turn to green lights.

Today was a most wonderful day. It's pouring rain outside. I love listening to the rain and just lying there doing absolutely nothing. I usually don't have the typical mormony things on my mind much, like finding a husband and making a family. But lately I can't stop those things from creeping up. All throughout teaching my lesson today in Relief Society I couldn't help but imagine my future.

Preston called me today. He woke me up out of a dead sleep. I think that was one of the best conversations of my life. Not because we talked about anything really significant or important. But because everytime he said "I love you" I just got butterflies. I couldn't even think straight because I just wanted him to know how much I love him. Because I really really do.

I went to Alene's and got to read to Addy and snuggle with her before she went to sleep. We sang what she calls the "angel song" and she laid down and I sang her to sleep. I normally don't sing, but for that little girl I'll do anything. I tried to whisper the words to the song "Somewhere Out There" but got choked up. I can't believe that everything is changing so much. I am going to miss her. And Alene and Andrew and Libby. My heart seriously breaks.

I guess it's off to write Preston and go to sleep. One day everybody I love will be in the same place together. And I won't miss somebody thousands of miles away. And I won't be watching the day approach that my family moves thousands of miles away. One day I won't be alone. It's soon. That, I am very sure of.

Goodnight.

Undeniable.

Why are people completely incapable of tying up their own loose ends? Why is it continually left up to me to fix everything? If my life were completely under control I could handle the mess dumped on me bit by bit every day. But since I am drowning a bit more than the usual college student, I cannot take this any more.

Dramatic? Perhaps. But when does everybody else realize they need to grow up and take responsibility for themselves?

Go, get your ribbon box.

Maybe it was the rain today. But I've been very contemplative tonight. But when I go to put it down in words, I can't. A hundred million billion things remind me of you. And things I want us to do. And places I want us to go. And mornings I want us to share. Lately I just can't stop thinking about it. I hate countdowns but I only have 287 days to go.

the wallet card.

Life has been busy. Sometimes life gets so busy that I forget to stop and think about things that aren't involved in the business.

It has been getting cold here at night. Perhaps it's colder tonight because it rained this afternoon for a little while.

There's alot on my mind. I feel like something's missing. I don't know what. Like my heart is somewhere else, beating in their body, not mine.

I have so much to do. And enough time to complete it all. And keeping busy is really good. But I feel change coming.

I am upset about my sister moving. I don't want to be all alone here. But more than that, I know we won't be as close because she'll be so far away.

The dramatic part of me feels like crying. The rational side of me realizes I need to just breathe in and out.

I miss Preston. Sometimes I get tired of waiting for forever to start. Dreaming gets tiresome when you have to wake up to reality. 10 months. I can do it. Loving him makes everything okay, even when its not.

My calendar says April. I am going to tear off the page and live in May. Soon enough it will be June. The future will come soon enough.

I love you Alene.

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

Technically, its May. And my mother's birthday. Happy Birthday Mother.

My older brother...well technically my only brother...called me today to tell me about his new baby girl - their first child. He sounded so proud, it was adorable. I wanted to laugh it was so cute, but I didn't (because it would have sounded rude).

I changed my hair rather drastically. I like it. Preston likes it. That's really all that matters. Speaking of changing my hair - my scalp hurts like it is bruised. I really hope it isn't.

This week has been good. Actually, better than good. Fantastic!

Tonight it looks as if we'll be heading out to Green Canyon. Other fun things should follow. I also may coach volleyball this semester. We'll see. Definitely.

Ciao.