With A Little Help From My Friends

I have a hard time letting people in...and usually end up pushing those close to me away. Most times I feel like people are inclined to hurt each other, so I tend to try and avoid the messiness of being close to people. But I think most of it is that I don't like admitting that I have problems or that I need somebody else, because that means that I am admitting that other people see me imperfectly which means I have to admit I am not perfect, which boils down to a pride issue and probably denial. Whew! So when people help me, I tend to be mortified and come off as ungrateful for it, when really I just don't know how to ever adequately repay them for helping me.

The people I've met at school here have stayed at the status of acquaintance because of the aforementioned confession with the exception of a couple people. Even in my relationships with them, I've always felt like I've cared more about them than they've cared about me. But usually, with the people I let in, I invest feelings very quickly, so that doesn't really phase me.

However, last night I was sincerely touched by the kindness of a friend (whom I thought was pretty indifferent) and his willingness to help me. Granted, I am completely mortified that I let said friend help at all and I cringe at the fact that he even knew I was in need of said help. And thus I am inadequate in expressing my gratitude which has now bowled over into embarassment and will result in immediate distance to pacify my mortification. And I worry that it will affect our friendship - probably not on his end, but on my end because I think it will affect his end. Either way, I feel stupid. But I got by with the help of a friend. That doesn't happen often because I don't let it. So yeah, it was important enough to blog about. And I know you won't ever read this. But thanks.