It hit me last night that I am leaving here. Jared and I had taken a drive out to the sand dunes, and the whole time it just felt different. I can't explain it. We have driven out there alot in the past year. And maybe it wasn't different but I felt like it was. I think it felt more like goodbye than anything else.
It was hard to sleep last night even though I was so tired. My mind has been going a thousand miles a minute. I'm not sure why - but I just feel like there is so much I have left unspoken and unsaid and unexpressed. And maybe it is because I am scared. I never tell how I truly feel. I just keep them to myself and allow a vague shadow of what I truly feel escape.
I think I really need to belong somewhere. I am afraid that may not be New Jersey, however strongly I feel that I need to be there. I don't think I necessarily need to be there just for me. I think moreso I need to be there for other people. And that is okay with me. Because I need to be needed. And where I am right now - here in Rexburg, nobody needs me anymore.
I think what kills me through all this is that I can never really tell you exactly what I mean. I hate to admit defeat and failure. And I hate that I compromised everything to try and be what you needed. When I turned out to be the opposite. And that kills me. I truly am so sorry.
I think my whole life has just been my attempt to try and mean something to someone. And it didn't matter the cost to myself, I've just kept going until I felt like I did. And the sad thing about it all is that if I had meant something to myself I wouldn't have tried so hard to be something to somebody else.
I am unusually hard to hold on to.
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