The more I get things together the more I feel like they may be falling apart.
"...about you telling me you love me, i dont know. i just dont know where im at right now. im trying to work hard, but i dont know what i want. going home scares me now. it feels like im trying to avoid everything. but not at the same time."
That could make me cry. But I haven't. I knew it was coming. What is ironic is that for the past 2 years I have shut myself off from everybody because I was afraid that if I got close enough to like somebody other than him, I would break his heart. And I don't break hearts. That just isn't me. And so in typical fashion, it all falls apart right before it should be going well.
Before I left Idaho I felt strongly that my testimony was going to be tried and tested once coming back to NJ and so I needed a stronger foundation. And so I worked really hard to get it together.
Is this why?
Is this the test?
If it is, do I pass?
And if this is passing, why do I feel like I just lost everything?
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