Thursday Was A Hard Day.

Since seeing Preston over Spring Break things have not been the same between us. They were wonderful when we were together. But I didn't hear from him for over a week after I had driven away. And then things got increasingly more complicated, we decided to be friends, I couldn't deal with him pushing me away.

So I deleted him off facebook.
Re-added him.
Deleted him again.
Then wrote an excruciatingly long email to him explaining exactly what I need him to be and gave him the ultimatum. He hates ultimatums. We messaged back and forth. And then, since I had deleted his phone number, I looked it up on whitepages.com - and I called him. He knew I would.

We had the saddest conversation I've ever had in my entire life. With anybody.
It was alot of talking in circles. Because I refused to accept his explanations. He kept telling me we wouldn't work out. I kept telling him we could. If he would only try. He said he won't try for something he know won't work out. I told him nothing would work out if he wouldn't try. He said he can't keep wanting something he can't have. I didn't understand why he couldn't have it. I questioned everything. He told me he loves me. I'm glad he said that. Because the end of our conversation would have been much harder if he hadn't.

He said the night I left, he got a weird feeling. The kind he got on his mission. And I asked him if it was good or bad. He said it was weird. So I asked him if he prayed about it. And he said he did. And I didn't want to ask, but I did anyway. I asked what the answer was. And he said he knew that we weren't supposed to be together. I asked how he could know. And he said he got a stupor of thought, and the bad feeling persisted.

So he stopped. He pushed me away. Because he said it would hurt the more we put into it. And he wanted me to just be angry at him and move on. I think he wanted me to hate him. I think hating him might have made it easier on both of us. But I didn't let go - I kept persisting. He said it was hard for him to talk to me, because it was a reminder of something he wanted but couldn't have. And he is the baby of the family. He always gets what he wants. So that was hard.

I asked him if he was upset with the answer. He sounded offended I even asked. And re-iterated that he loves me. I didn't say much after that. I remember telling him that he has so much more faith than I do. And then I told him that I needed time, and couldn't talk to him anymore. He said he'd always be there for me to talk to if I needed to. But I told him I couldn't do this right now. And I cried. And we both were quiet. And he said to let him know when I was ready. And I said goodbye. And he said goodbye. And we hung up the phone.

I have never in my life cried that hard. I have never in my life loved somebody as much as I love him. And in that moment I hated God more than I have ever hated anything. I went through a period of hating God - in high school, after my parent's divorce. But I realized the hatred was misplaced. And sitting there today, I had nowhere else to direct my anger. And I know He has a bigger plan. I know He does. But my faith is thin. And decaying. And Preston was my plan. He was my future. He was everything I could hope for. In a perfect world, he made the perfection. And I know he felt that way about me. So I don't get it. I don't. And I am trying. I am trying really hard not to be angry and upset.

I have spent the whole day trying not to be angry and upset. But I keep feeling like I need to cry. Preston was my person. I felt like he was my other half. And I doubt anybody knows why or how much or what that means to me. But there is no point in even continuing a friendship with him. Is there? We both just hurt each other by knowing we can't have one another.

Ironically, it made me love Preston more. TO know that he has that much faith to be able to walk away from what he wants. He doesn't just do that. He is stubborn. Like me. And so I know that's why God had to tell him. Because I wouldn't have listened. Because I would have been with Preston anyway.

I told Preston that I don't want to move on. I don't want to be with another person. He kept telling me there was somebody better for me out there than he is. I don't believe it. I don't want him to feel like he isn't good enough for me. Because Preston saved my life.

I never told anybody this. Ok. I told my shrink. But when I was on the river and I was being pulled under, I could have died. I wanted to. I know you think that may be dramatic, but I wasn't in a good way when the accident occurred. I was in a downhill spiral. And the only thing that kept me from slipping under for good was the fact that I wouldn't be with Preston here in this life. I never told him that. Because that's a lot of responsibility to put on somebody. But he kept me hanging on.

Today I wanted to go back to that river and just let go. To save us both the heartache that I am feeling right now. I know he is hurting, too. And that hurts me more. But I know he will be able to move on and be ok. That's just how he is. He never shows his true emotions to anybody.

That's why I thought I was special.

I don't know why I added him on facebook again. I should have let him be. I don't want to be the reminder, or pain to him. Because he has been so much more to me than that.

And maybe I relied on him too much. When I should have relied on the Lord more. I think most times I put my love for him above God, which is bad. I know it is. So I guess I have to straighten out my priorities now. I know this is His will. I know it is. I just have to be strong.

My heart is broken. Literally in 2 pieces. Everybody keeps telling me its the right thing. Of course it is, if that's what God wants. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. And I know the question I should stop asking is why. And I should ask "how I can learn from this?"

But I don't think I am to that point yet. I am hurting. And I am glad I am going to Mexico because everybody keeps saying that I should date other people blah blah. That is not what I needed to hear. You don't go from planning your life - your WHOLE life - with one person, and sharing absolutely everything. EVERYTHING with them. You don't go from that to sitting across from a stranger at dinner making casual conversation. Because if I am going to make casual conversation, I want it to be with Preston.

I just have to train myself to not want that. And that's going to take awhile. Because that's over a 2 year habit. It's going to be hard to break.

On my driver's license it says I am an organ donor.
If I were to die tomorrow nobody would want this heart.
I am afraid its permanently scarred. And too damaged to be recognized as a heart any longer. They'll open me up and search and search for the organ that beats my life through my veins. And instead, find little shards here and there. Each one torn and bruised and broken beyond repair. And I can picture the doctors glancing at each other over the operating table, curious expressions on their faces as if to say "who could have damaged her so badly?"

And I would tell them, if only I could. But it'd be too late for me to speak.
And even if they could somehow hear me from the world beyond this, none would believe it possible for a girl who has lived so few years to inflict such a massacre upon herself.




I need to pray. And read my blessings. Because today is Friday. And yesterday was Thursday. Yesterday was a hard day. Today I'll make it better. Even if its only by one less tear.