Just Breathe.

I made it through week 1 back. It's not a surprise to me that what I thought would be a week of observation turned into just one day and myself and the other teacher were made to switch mid-week and I began teaching the class Wednesday when I thought I would be observing through Friday. It's funny to me the non-communication that happens. Needless to say I felt extremely stressed Wednesday through today. And my headaches returned full-force, and I tried really hard to not let it show at work. I didn't want to have to go home and make things harder on anybody than it already was. Next week will be better. A job is just a job, I keep reminding myself.

The good thing is my new class is adorable and the kids are so small and tiny. The curriculum content is basically the same, so I don't feel like I have to adjust much. I realize though, that it's not the tiny people that are stressful. It's the adults. I wonder why growing up distorts people so much and turns us all into horrible messes.

Speaking of which...
In the midst of the work and the health issues, I've tried really hard to not notice that I am getting divorced. I don't know if that is a mentally healthy way to look at it or not. But it doesn't hurt coming home to any empty house anymore. Or cooking for 1. Or going to bed by myself. I'm not dating or trying to fill that void. I'm not divorced so I am still married. And until I am divorced that is how I will remain. So in general it's not hurtful, just lonely.

It does hurt, though, when I hear through the grapevine that hurtful things are being said about me. Through this process I have tried to not say negative things about Scotty. I have tried to defend him to my parents and friends when negative things are said. I don't want people to have a poor opinion of him just because I've filed for divorce. So it hurt me a lot tonight when I heard that he was saying negative and cruel things about me to people we knew. And I realize that I shouldn't expect anything different. And that divorces are not nice things. But I think I had hoped for better, especially after everything I have done and had done for us over the past 3 years.

It's really made me sit here tonight for several hours and just wonder what it is I am doing. I don't know why I care so much what he has said. I guess probably because it is a blatant lie. But I think maybe it's because I have been trying so hard to not speak ill of him. People have asked me what happened when they find out. I don't laundry list or detail - I just say it didn't work. Because when it has gotten to this point, that's the truth. It just isn't working. And I respect his father, the memory of his mother, and both he and myself too much to run us into the ground. If he wants to, that is his choice. But I won't.

So I just need to let it go. Just breathe. Just breathe. Because ultimately, it just doesn't matter. I know I worked hard in my marriage and provided for our family by going to work each day and enrolling in graduate school to make sure my family was cared for and bills were paid. I know I had flaws and made mistakes. And I don't know what I was hoping for from Scotty during this process - maybe just some civility, maturity, respect. But whatever it was, I am never going to get it. And I have to accept that and move on.