Hope, despair.

I can't allow myself to hope, to think that perhaps it's true. I sat there and saw that same look in your eyes I had witnessed before and I knew I couldn't look at them again. I couldn't let myself feel hope where only despair has been. 

But even now I feel it creeping back. That hope. That glimmer. That thing that will probably kill me if I actually believe it. But I can't stop myself. It's like I'm the earth and he's the sun and no matter how much I want it not to be true, his pull is magnetic. 

What does this mean?