Faded.

I should be asleep right now, but I can't manage to shake off the caffeine that's boiling in my veins. I haven't written in awhile. Mostly because I have disliked my thoughts. So I focused on trying to get better. I realized the PTSD is never going to fully go away and that these past few months I've been battling it pretty hard. Winter just isn't my season.

Sometimes my mind is so black and white that it's hard to accept the shades of grey within myself. It's hard to not be perfect. It's hard to, in recognizing I'm not perfect, not give up and self-destruct. It's interesting to me how easy it is for me to accept the imperfections in others, to feel empathy for their trials, to understand their struggles...and all the while not tolerate my own.

Tonight Tyler and I had the same discussion we've had a thousand times since breaking up and trying to be just friends. It's hard when you love somebody so much. Things between us, when we are together, are effortless. We can have difficult conversations, laughter, passion, and a chill time all in one night. Reminiscing about our first date reminded me how simply effortless things were from the beginning with him. And it makes it difficult to accept the fact that we are not together right now. But what I couldn't tell him tonight was simply the truth: I would rather us be what we are now than not have him in my life. I've thought so selfishly about all the ways he has helped me that it was refreshing to hear him tell me tonight that I have helped him keep his sobriety and that he can talk to me about pretty much anything. It made me feel less of an idiot to know he values me being in his life, too.

I guess I should go to bed since work comes early tomorrow. Maybe if I close my eyes sleep will come.