Disasterpiece.

I read an article that says the first 15 minutes after you wake up are your brain's most creative and thoughtful. I'm uncertain if I believe that. Because usually the first 15 minutes of my day are spent watching my dog poop and then cleaning it up. If that's as creative as it gets, I'm pretty screwed. 

So this morning, to test this theory, I decided to blog first. Here goes:

Last night I had this dream. My mom told me my sister never came home. And I was in the middle of doing something with somebody and had to pry the news out of her because she didn't want to tell me. It was a terrible dream, but thank goodness I woke up and realized it was just that. But I've spent the last few minutes trying to figure out all the components of the dream and why suddenly my dreams are about losing the people I love. Because this is just one of a barrage of terrible dreams I've had lately. 

I'm pretty sure it's because I am terrified of losing the people I love. Duh! Woo, way to really have to dig deep there, haha. But in some ways, I feel like I have already lost the people I love. I guess that's why it is easier for me to be alone than let myself feel anything for anybody else. The entire component of loss is easily avoided that way. And wow I just realized the first 15 minutes of my day are sounding pretty depressing right now. 

I'm not depressed. I think I'm just in this weird numb state where I don't want to care about anybody or anything. It's eerie how easily I can shut off my emotions to just feel numb so I can pretend I don't care. And it's usually around this time I begin wreckless behavior. To solidly convince myself that I don't care. 

But I am not being wreckless. Which kinda annoys me. Because it means I do care. And I'm thinking that I keep trying to convince myself I don't care because I'm afraid that's how other people feel. Gross. I can't believe I actually said that out loud. Hahaha. 

Remind me to sleep in tomorrow. This morning feeling thing doesn't bode well for me. The end. Resume numb status. Begin wreckless behavior. Or...don't. And be ok with feeling. Mehhhhhhhhh. 

Age 29 is confusing me. Maybe I'm becoming mature. Or maybe I'm becoming even more of a disaster. But maybe that's ok.