I must belong somewhere.

I found out this morning that my dad was 1.5 miles away from the terrorist attacks in Paris. He is safe. But he could have easily died. And that is chilling. And has caused a lot of inner turmoil for me. I am upset and grateful, and truly overwhelmed. I spent the day with my sister and we both just seemed shocked for the rest of the day. 

I think it made me wonder who is important in my life. And who I care about the most. This morning, before finding out, I went online to set up my dating profile. I went to add a profile picture and literally every picture from the past few months is of him. So that put a damper on things. And I realized I don't even want to be online, or looking for somebody to date. And even considering online dating seems so ridiculous now, in light of everything else. Like profile views or likes somehow add fulfillment to my life. 

But I do this. I don't like feeling, especially feeling vulnerable. So I think I don't really heal. I hate feeling so I just jump into something new as a distraction. But at the end of the day, I don't want to be distracted. So I'll just be brave and somehow allow myself to feel what I feel for the time being. And I think that must be ok. Because we are always looking to attain some sort of happiness. And maybe happiness means accepting all our other feelings, too. It's not a state we achieve, but an emotion in the spectrum of emotions that we feel. And we can't recognize it unless we also acknowledge every other emotion on that spectrum and allow ourselves to feel those as well. Which I don't really do. So I guess it's time to start. 

There's a song I love by Bright Eyes, about belonging somewhere. And I've decided home isn't a place, but a feeling. And today, in realizing how close I could be to losing the people closest to me, I realized I just want to be home, wherever and with whomever that may be. And while I don't know how or who or why, I do know I must belong somewhere. And so that's why I just want to act without regrets. I want to be genuine to how I feel, and not apologize for it or feel guilty about it. That's really hard for me, because it means I can get hurt. I am hurt. But I want to feel at home. So maybe that starts by first finding home in myself.