She's got all these reasons in her head.

I went to a singles ward today. I haven't been to one in over 5 years. I should have thought more about that before I just hastily embarked. I was sitting in Sunday school and on the verge of tears for really no reason other than my life felt like, in that moment, that it was falling apart. So I texted my Clonie. I should have texted her 300 years ago. And I should know by now that if I can't share every aspect of my life with her, then something is wrong in my life and I need to fix it. She told me to tell her everything. 

I called her and we talked. I told her the entire story: how he would pick me and then change his mind a few days later. How I saw love in his eyes but then he broke up with me again. And how for literally a month the breakup had dragged on. She listened patiently. And the more I told her the story, the more I questioned why I let this story continue. I wondered why I hadn't stopped it. Why I continued to pursue it. So Clonie gave me some tough love. And in true best friend fashion, she said everything I needed to hear in a way that wasn't damaging. Why are you being so considerate towards him? What are your motives in keeping communication open? Why can't you just let him go? 

All valid questions. All answers I don't necessarily have. Honestly, I need to just let him go. So I will. I will deal with him not picking me. And I will recognize that although we were compatible and things seemed perfect between us, they truly weren't. Mer said love is just a word until actions are behind it. I think my actions were genuine portrayals of love. And I excused his actions as representations of what he was willing to give. But after the first few weeks, they weren't enough. And I knew that. And he knew that. And that's where I can't understand why I made the allowance. Because if it truly were love, I wouldn't have to make allowances or exceptions. I wouldn't have to wonder. Mer said that when it came down to it, she has never had to doubt Brent's love for her. I've never been able to say the same...in any relationship I've had in my life. 

And I have been thinking about that for the last few hours. Why I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness in order to remain "loyal" or just to stick it out...even through the crappiest relationships I've had, I keep trying to fix it and make it better. And sitting here, I realize it probably is because my parents got divorced. And ever since that happened, my idea of love is that it surmounts all. But what I've come to realize is that love is only one thing in a myriad of things that make a relationship work. Mer hit this point home today when she told me that a "perfect connection" can't make you blind to everything else in the relationship, and doesn't make up for being treated poorly. 

I need to figure out what is the driving internal force that causes me to end up where I am right now. I don't know what deep flaw I have that keeps leading me to this point. Or why I am so weak that I am incapable of ending things when they aren't exactly what I want. And then changing the things I want to further align with that. Maybe I don't think people, relationships, my life will live up to my expectations. So I lower them and then latch on like hell. Mostly, though, I think I'm afraid of being left behind. And that self-fulfilling prophecy keeps coming full-circle. I keep reaching down to find love, thinking that those people will be so enchanted that they'll know they can never do better and subsequently need me and never leave me. Except they do. Every time. Everybody leaves. And maybe it's better that I love the wrong people and they leave, rather than actually loving the right person and having him leave, too. 

I think that's the saddest thing I've ever written. And the worst realization I've come to. Damn.