Ode to the Past

Feelings, what are those? 

I openly admit that I am in the middle of the craziest ride of my life. He ended things on Thursday, and Friday morning was backpedaling into my life. The thing is, I keep letting it happen because I keep wanting it to happen. Because I can't give up, let go, move on. Should I? At this point, should isn't even a question. Can I move on? No. 

I feel like I need to call Jared. He always gives me needed perspective. 

Well...I took my own advice and I called Jared. He gave me great perspective. No surprise. There's something intensely satisfying about having a friend that knows you so well. I talk to Jared more often than any other friend. And it used to be that our friendship was thrown about in the craziest of circumstances. However, even despite all that, it's easy to talk to him about everything. I have a hard time connecting to others on a level beyond superficiality. And it's not because I don't want to know them. It's because I can't let them get to know me. But with Jared, he already knows me. So it's not difficult to spill my guts. The wall I keep up with most everybody else was already hewn down almost a decade ago with Jared. 

I think the one of the most valuable perspectives derived from my relationship with him is that I had pretty intense romantic feelings for Jared at some point early on in our friendship. So Jared knows exactly what I am talking about when I discuss my feelings for guys. And he can help me see why things aren't working or how I'm acting that perhaps is hindering my relationships...because he was on the receiving end of my shenanigans at one point. I think because we went through that and are on the other side of it (without ever having actually dated), we have the ability to tell each other our exact opinions without worry. And I appreciate that so much. And I think everybody needs that in their lives. 

Tonight, having an actual person to sieve my emotions through helped me realize that it doesn't matter how I got here, but that I am here. In this place. Right now. And I can't change the past. I can't control the future. And I can't control other people just because of things that I want. 

I also realized I am terrified of making the wrong choice, of giving up on the right person, or of holding onto the wrong person and eventually missing out on the right one. I think a lot of this fear has to come from the fact that I am now 29. I realized last year what I want, which catalyzed my life evolution to this point. And I don't want it to be too late to have a family. Which, I suppose, leaves me feeling a little desperate at times. 

But as Thanksgiving approaches, I just want to feel gratitude for what I do have, instead of staying inside my head and focusing on the deficits. And what I'm super grateful for tonight is a friend who picked up the phone, listened to my craziness, and who was bold enough to offer opinions and advice. Jared, I know you're reading this because I basically forced you to, thanks man. I love you!