I tend to shy away from writing or publishing the bad with the good. I write the bad and delete it and only keep the good because I don't like being judged or don't like going back and reading the bad later on. Sometimes the truth is really painful.
Last night I was in Pinterest for a little bit looking around and my little sister, who I thought was sleeping, ended up startling me by asking me a question. It was dark, I didn't hear her come up behind me, and I froze in place while my heart beat a thousand miles a minute. She ended up leaving the room because I wasn't really replying to her, and about 20 minutes later when I had recovered, I sent her a text and all was well.
Today on the way home from church she brought up what a weirdo I was and how strangely I had responded. I know she and my mom were joking and good-humored about the entire thing and honestly meant no ill-will at all. I just wish somebody understood how intensely frustrating it is right now to go from having a no-fear response or fight response to one of complete shut-down. My whole body literally just stops working.
In sacrament a few missionaries gave talks today about fear, and 1 spoke about how he had anxiety over everything for most of his life and what a huge hurdle he had to overcome in order to go on a mission. It was actually a really great talk. And it really made me think about my own life and the fears and anxieties I've had, especially with my job.
In my job, I remember having a lot of fear when I first started intervening in aggressive behaviors. I had never been physically abused, I didn't even get in physical altercations with my siblings. So physical violence was a very difficult concept for me to handle. Children who do not know their own strength, cannot physically control their emotions and actions the way you or I may be able to, and are incapable of setting a limit or threshold for their outburst, can be extremely dangerous. I used to think my boss was crazy for never having any fear when she stepped in to assist us during the outbursts and when students overpowered us. She was calm and collected and almost robotic in her response.
When I got my own classroom and started training my paras, I saw the fear in their eyes when the students started having aggressive behaviors. I intervened because I had the training that they did not. Soon I had no fear. My actions became robotic. It got to the point where physical altercation on a daily basis stopped affecting me. And I would be calm and collected on the outside. And even if I was scared on the inside I couldn't show it because I had staff and a classroom full of little kids looking at me. So I became this weird numb person when I would get my hair pulled. I would just sit and let the child pull my hair until either a clump was pulled out or the child stopped. I would then go about my business. I came to work after getting bit and scratched and hit and head butted and kicked. I came with black eyes and bruises and I acted like it was no big deal until it became no big deal.
And now it's frustrating to me. Because I don't understand why I used to not have fear. And why I now have all this fear after just 1 incident. Even the thought of seeing a particular one of my students makes my heart race. The thought of intervening in a behavior seems impossible. When I am scared, I shut down.
Is it ok to be angry about that? Because I am trying not to be angry about the other things. I'm trying not to be angry about not getting paid. Or withdrawing from grad school. And losing my classroom. And losing my job. And my health. And all that. But now I am weak? I am scared or stressed and my body just stops working? I have overcome so much in my life. I know I can overcome this too. I just wish that sometimes the person I chose to understand, did. But he's not here and we don't talk.
Should I be more angry that I'm even angry that I am upset about being afraid of being hurt by my students? Do all teachers go to work thinking they are going to get beat up by their elementary school children and just presume it is fine and act accordingly? Why am I acting like that is normal? That is not normal! There should be fear there. I shouldn't have to worry about that. Why do they keep hurting me when I want to help them? Why doesn't anybody understand how much I put into that classroom? How much I tried? I literally dedicated entire years and I have nothing to show for it. I don't understand.
So I guess that's why I need to have more faith. And trust God more. Because when I feel like nobody understands, He does.
I'm exhausted. And cold. I need to pray again. My heart hurts so much tonight.
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