But I've also always wanted to make a difference. I've taken jobs that were difficult yet helped others. But somewhere along the way that got mixed in with the pride, which was never my original intention. I helped the students in my classroom because I genuinely wanted them to succeed. But I also liked hearing I was good at my job. And I knew I was good at my job. And that's when my pride kicked in.
Elder Lynn G. Robbins asked in my morning devotional: "Which way do you face?" I thought I was being noble and like Christ in my choice of profession. But my heart was not in the right place because I was not facing in the right direction. Elder Robbins' words really resonated with me this morning when I read: "When He performed an act of charity, such as healing the sick, the gift often came with the request to “tell no man” (Matthew 8:4; Mark 7:36; Luke 5:14; 8:56). In part, this was to avoid the very fame which followed Him in spite of His efforts to eschew it (see Matthew 4:24). He condemned the Pharisees for doing good works only to be seen of men."
It is obvious that I am in a time of reflection and transition at this point. And I realize that my profession does not have to be the next Mother Theresa. I want to be a good person not so that people look at me and award me for being a good person. And before, that was the problem. I was a good person at work, and work consumed my whole life. I did nothing else. I let God fall away. So now I want to be a good person because I am turning towards God and doing the things He wants me to do. And that means living a humble life, and not “aspire to the honors of men."
I think that is a really hard thing to do. Because I believe everybody wants to be successful. And we are all commanded to be perfect, as Christ is. But I think the key is knowing that Christ did not come to a Earth for his own glory. And having success does not mean I cannot also be humble. Having humility means knowing that all things come from God and acknowledging that it is through Him and by Him I am who and what I am. When I am humble there is no room for pride. And when God is first, there is no question about which way I face.
The second part of this, for me, is that being public about God has always been a particularly difficult thing for me. My mother-in-law was a great example to me. She always took a moment to tell somebody about Jesus. And was never afraid to do it. I admire her faith through the end of her life and feel blessed that she shared that with me. I regret I never shared mine with her. I was always too afraid I would offend her. Or that others would be offended if I disagreed with their beliefs.
When I got married, I allowed a rift to develop between my older sister and myself. In Mormom religion, marriage in a Mormon temple is desired. My husband was not Mormon and we could not get married in one. I chose to be offended by my family's loving questions about my choices, including innocent questions from little children. And I let an eternal relationship decay. I thought it was my mission to teach them reproach and educate my family on bending God's principles for the people you love. But Elder Robbins reminded me today that is not my job. I tried to shame my family into questioning their beliefs simply because those beliefs hurt me because of my choice.
In Isaiah the Lord warns us, “Fear ye not the reproach of men” (Isaiah 51:7; see also 2 Nephi 8:7). But so often we really do care what others think of us, especially people we love. I have been on the giving and receiving end of criticism and sharp words. I know reproach well. It is one of the biggest wedges driving my marriage apart. But I feel ashamed that I have turned so far away from God and cared so much what people think. Even now, I haven't shared this blog with anybody I know because I've been afraid of their opinions of me. I rarely share my testimony for this same reason.
Having faith and trust in God first strengthens our resolve to put away the fear we have when it comes to the opinions of anybody else besides Him. The Gospel does not teach blind faith, however. It focuses on agency and choice. I firmly believe in the choice of faith, just as any other choice we have. I think making that choice can be one of the hardest things. My pride kept me from making that choice for a long time. I know had I chosen to have faith and turned to God, away from man, I wouldn't be where I am.
That being said, I am grateful for the choice I made to return to church and Christ's Gospel. Spiritually, I have not felt this peaceful in years. And I know that comes from the promise of the continued companionship of the Holy Spirit. I have so much gratitude for the prayers of those who did not give up on me.
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