Oh, this week.

I feel like I'm being tested. Like my faith was renewed and now that's being tested again. And at this point, I feel like it is much too new and fragile to be tested. And part of me thinks God should probably know that. And the other part of me feels really horrible for thinking "shame on you" towards God. So I'm in a quandary. And mostly I'm just frustrated. And trying really hard to be faithful, but I am wavering. It's becoming increasingly more difficult to pray for my enemies when my enemies are loading their guns and each one seems to be pointed and firing straight at me. 

I did yoga tonight to try and calm down the anxiety that has now rooted itself in me so deeply that it is literally gnawing in the caverns of my heart. I told my mom that worse case scenario, I lose everything and I owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills. I think I seemed relatively calm when I said that. I only care about getting better. This was never about money. I just want to stop the headaches and the other symptoms. Don't they get that? 

I just sat here frozen, thousands of thoughts scrolling through my head. It's been 20 minutes since writing that question mark. Clearly tonight is not the night for me to relieve my burdened heart. Earl is whimpering beside me, unsure of what to do to calm my nerves. His soft sighs are so aggravating right now. I wish this bridge medication cycle was done. This stuff is making me feel so crazy inside. And I never get mad at Earl. And I'm feeling so mad at him for sighing next to me. And maybe I'm just mad at everything right now. 

I just want to be better. I want my life to go back to how it was. I want to be normal again. That's all. 

I just don't understand. Maybe this week is not a good week for my faith. I don't know. I'm reading scriptures, praying, and reading my morning devotional talks. I'm doing everything I was doing. I'm following my trauma therapist's directions to do daily mindfulness excesses, and practice meditation. And I am still not connecting. Why is there a barrier? What have I done? Is it me? Where did I go wrong? Why is it all going wrong? Why am I alone again? I hate dark days. I need the light.