Breaking My Heart

People are so hard to let go of. I am a sentimental girl. I've always been that way. Super emotional. Overly attached. I lived and breathed others. And lived and died with their presence and absence. My heart has broken and mended but healing is a process that takes longer than most. This past year has been just one long heartbreak. It hasn't been able to mend. It just goes numb long enough to trick itself into dormancy before breaking all over again. I keep putting my heart on the shelf. And today I had to break it all over again. 

The thing nobody seems to understand is that in hurting people I love, I break my own heart, too. And I am trying to unbreak my heart. But maybe it has to break completely in half for that to happen? But can I recover from that? Do I have the choice? Because can I recover if I don't do it? 

The thing is that we aren't right. We keep hurting each other. Not physically. But emotionally. We love each other. Just in the wrong way. And deep down we know that. But it hurts too much to let it go. And it hurts too much to stay. So here we are. Wearing each other down. Miserable. Desperately trying to be something for each other that we are not. Both to blame. And both hurting. Both wanting love to be enough. And it isn't. 

And there's the bottom line. When love isn't enough. You don't have anything else. And it is making me  physically sick to my stomach as I sit here. Because my life is unraveling like a ball of yarn. And some days I think I'm getting a handle on things. But most days it just rolls a little further out of my reach.