Renewal of the Soul

In my religion, a big emphasis on Christ's Atoning Sacrifice and the process of repentance is made in order to return to live with God, because it is the only way to do so. That seems basic enough. But I've always thought of repentance as something that is agonizing and requires a lot of heartache. When I read about it in the scriptures, it speaks of a broken heart. My experience with broken hearts was never pleasant. And my processes with repentance was never something I considered enlightening. It always made me feel bad and alone and worse and never fully cleansed the way I think it was supposed to. And looking back at things that I was going through, I realize that I was missing key components of the process that are vital. 

I read The Sacrament--a Renewal for the Soul today, and in it, Sister Esplin talks about a key piece of repentance being the renewal of our sacrament covenants. Taking a weekly sacrament is a critical way to renew the promises made during baptism. She reminds us that one of the biggest parts of the Atonement is Christ's enabling power, as He helps us daily be who we need to be. She highlights it's particular importance because during the process of repentance, when we ask for forgiveness of our sins, we can become discouraged by their frequency and quantity. But she wants us to remember that we cannot forget God's power in our lives! 

I was chatting with my mom about why it becomes so easy for us to feel punished for our sins and hopeless because of them. The chasm created by the Adversary during times of darkness and hopelessness blocks out the light that the Atonement brings. The further the gap between the two, the further we can fall into despair and the more Satan wins. 

I don't really talk about my injury with anybody besides the physicality of it because it was one of the lowest times of my life for me. When I first got my concussion, I had a headache but felt OK. As things worsened, I quickly drifted into a state of despair. Rational thought escaped into irrational hopelessness. I was literally at the brink of darkness and then tipped over the edge. When I am asked what I remember from the month I got hit to the next month when I saw the doctor, I honestly cannot account for much. Conversations I had with people are a blank to me. I only remember the feeling of intense darkness. And legitimate fear that I was going to die. There was an overwhelming shuddering and shaking inside of me that consumed me almost every waking hour. I had no peace. I had no God. I was utterly alone. My husband and I lived in separate houses. My mother-in-law was dying from cancer. If a movie were to replay this scene from my life, I imagine a panoramic shot of myself lying in a darkened spinning room while I am in my bed crying and montages of every horrible thing falling apart in my life and mistake I had made flashing on the screen.  

I realize that month and the next few following it are the definition of Satan winning. I had friends and family praying for my well-being but I didn't believe that God loved me enough to heal me because I believed He let me get hurt and was punishing me. I was angry that He let Amy die. I was angry that I didn't get to cognitively get to enjoy her final months on earth. The chasm between myself and God was wide and Satan was in-between. Darkness is lonely. And irrational. And choices made in darkness are often done to inflct pain and wound with retaliation. Those choices are not of God. And what I knew and was denying was that I was accountable for my choices, despite the darkness. Despite the anger. I wanted somebody to pay for what was done to me, and I had denied the one person who could. 

I had to make the choice for myself to turn back to God, because He never turned away from me. He never left me. I am grateful for the diligence and patience of my mom, who was faithful enough for us both, and gave me the reminder I needed to seek a relationship with Him and respected my space to allow me to do so in my own time. When I made the choice to have faith, I realized the Atonement is so much more than just repenting for our sins. It is the giving of light. It is the freeing of our souls. I instantly felt peace. I am no longer racked with the insatiable desire to retaliate against my enemy. The storm is not passed by any means, but the seas inside my heart are calmed for today, in this moment. 

I recognize that what happened is not something that was done to me as a punishment. And that the Atonement accounts for injustices done to us at the hands of others. And in taking the sacrament each Sunday, we renew the convenants made at baptism. We are made clean and pure and start again, fresh for a new week. During that week the Atonement helps us continually repent of wrongdoings, remember Christ through things we are doing right, and create an atmosphere of light in our lives that dispels the darkness of a world living in Satan's hopelessness.