We talked about why I don't feel anger right now towards people responsible for what's going on. I've thought about that a lot since I left. And I don't know if I am being delusional or smart to not be angry about it anymore. I don't want to wake up in 3 months with misplaced rage. But I am just tired of not having peace. So I am choosing to think my faith has more to do with the lack of anger than anything else.
My mom drove me down to my house yesterday to collect a few things and check on my house. Anxiety takes over being in that town for even 30 minutes. It takes over even writing about it right now. But driving back to my mom's apartment, the snow was getting pretty bad. I kept praying for safety. We were almost killed as the car next to us spun out and came into our lane and I saw the terror on the face of the driver as she faced our car. Miraculously, we weren't hit and made it home. I felt peaceful even during that ordeal. And attribute that again to the choice to have faith.
I found old blogs today and read through them. I was reminded of so many struggles and traumatic events I displaced and tucked away. I truly do not let myself heal. I am the master of avoidance. I sever ties and pick up and move on. But rereading my blog reminded me of the many miracles God has worked in my life and affirms to me that I have a purpose here and something to accomplish.
Almost 6 years ago I was floating on a river in a simple plastic inner tube among pretty intense rapids with a few friends when we unexpectedly came upon an enormous dead tree fallen into the river. It's jagged branches popped my tube and pierced my arm, plunging me into the frigid water. I remember I was underneath the water and could have let myself be carried under and continue to be pummeled by the rocks and rapids, or I could fight to the surface and try to make it. It was a choice I never thought I would have to even think about making, and one I'm embarrassed to say I struggled with for a few seconds. But I made it to the surface and obviously am here today.
That's something I haven't thought about in years. I read about it this evening and cried, remembering the pain of that struggle and day. I try so hard to be strong for everybody else and I try so hard to help everybody else that I keep forgetting to help myself. I really need somebody to be there for me everyday. I guess I thought when I got married that I could talk to Scotty about all this stuff. That we could share our secrets and pains and happies and sads. But we didn't do any of that. So I just ended up hardening myself even more and steeling myself against more pain.
I think it's really important that I find who I am again. I used to be this person. This person before all these things happened. Before kids beat me up for a living. Before I shut myself off completely. I used to like things. I used to do things. I used to be somebody. I want to find out who she was. I caught a glimmer of her tonight. I went for a walk on the treadmill tonight for the first time since the incident. I did 2 miles and listened to music. And remembered how much I love listening to music and discovering new music. So there's that.
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