Again.

I keep having the same daydream, where I put on my running shoes and take off and run as far away as I can. I go for miles. And it's not just like into a different town, but across the country. And I stay there and never look back. I don't care about the stuff in my house. Or my clothes or anything. I just run and run and run. And of course I have Earl. He seems to just magically float alongside me while I run, keeping my company as he always has. And I'm not sure if it's the fact that I am able to run or if it's the fact that I'm able to go so far away from here that appeals to me most right now. 

But I would give to be anywhere but here. I feel myself retreating. The more I want to run, the more I just close myself off. The more I think about the betrayal of everybody in my life except for my immediate family, I retreat even further. But even they cannot fully understand. And it is exhausting to explain. And much easier to smile and insist I am fine then darken the mood or impose anymore than I already have. Right now it seems like I'm a permanent resident on their sofa and a fixture in their passenger seat. That's humiliating enough at this point in my life.