Silence is Screaming

Sometimes I get so frustrated I just want to scream. It is really hard being a displaced person. I am sleeping on my moms couch, living out of bags placed in the corner of a room. I don't have any space to call my own. I am paying thousands of dollars to rent a house I am currently not living in. I don't have any income right now because something got messed up with workers comp. And I haven't been paid in months. The lawyer I hired hasn't done anything. And I'm trying not to stress. But it is exhausting to just deal with all of this. 

And my family means well. But sometimes I just want a minute to just be. And it seems like the moments I feel like that, everybody starts to come at me. Right now I am so overwhelmed. And I sit here trying so hard to blink back tears. My mom just muttered how everybody is in such a bad mood. And I know I was snappy, so I apologized and tried to explain myself to her. But I don't want people to play the victim here. Or apologize to me. I just need an ounce of understanding. In explaining myself I'm not excusing my behavior. I know I'm not behaving appropriately. I am being unreasonable. I am snapping. I am not treating people nicely. 

Today I don't feel nice inside. Today I feel awful and dark and burning inside. The new medicine the doctors put me on left me with a blinding headache most of the day. And I was so angry about that. But I did the responsible thing and emailed all the appropriate people to give them a medical update before I fell asleep for hours. I am just tired of being responsible. And taking accountability. And having all this guilt when I don't follow through. I just want to be care free for once and stop worrying about everything for everybody else all the freaking time. Because nobody really seems to be worrying all that much about me if we are being honest. 

As I sat in therapy this morning, my therapist asked me why I thought I have such adverse reactions when I return to my house. She asked if I had any friends that could look in on me. And I thought about all the people I've pushed away. And I've been so sad about how distant I've kept everybody. I don't let people in. And I have pretended I'm mostly fine with people who have inquired about my well-being. And I don't like people to know I have problems. We are friends until I start to have problems and then BAM, we are done. I cut them off. And I shut them down. And I just...I'm so exhausted pretending I am fine all the time. I'm such a mess. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of not having a good life. I am trying so hard to have faith. But today is a dark day. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But I need something more than this.