Befriending Christ.

When I was in college I came face to face with the fact that I had a serious problem with an eating disorder. It had become a controlling force and I had nowhere to go but up and nobody to hide it from any longer. I felt betrayed by people I knew and lost in the disease I felt alone. So I began reading my scriptures. And praying a lot. In my religion, we get something called a Patriarchal Blessing. It tells us of our lives before coming to earth and things we can accomplish here if we live worthily. It is really special. I remember finding mine and reading it during a particularly dark day, when I had been in my house alone and sitting in a rocking chair sitting there for hours crying. It said I knew Jesus well during my time in Heaven before coming to Earth. And the thought came to me that maybe I needed to feel betrayed because I was living my life at that time in a way that was also betraying a friend, Jesus. It was a powerful moment for me. And one I am not eloquently describing here because words cannot fully describe feelings of the Spirit. Yet, I unfortunately didn't learn my lesson, as I continue to walk away from my friend. 

I remember that moment well right now. Because last night I was reading a talk about Jesus Christ feeling disappointment with the Jews not accepting his message while he was here on earth. And I hadn't ever really been able to wrap my mind around Jesus as being a person. I know He died for us. But because He was the Son of God, I somehow have always taken emotion out of it and only focused on the physical side of His anguish. Until last night. 

I'm the type of person who hides my feelings and masks them because I want to be perfect. But having feelings doesn't make me sinful. Jesus felt disappointment. He felt sad and alone. He wanted friends. He was betrayed. He understands what I feel and not just because He experienced those feelings and descended below them in Gesthemane. But He also knows how to overcome those feelings because He is God and is perfect and whole. And that is why He is the Savior. 

Boyd K. Packer shared in a talk entitled "The Reason For Our Hope" that I read during my morning devotional this story: "I recently received a letter from a woman who reported having endured great suffering in her life. A terrible wrong, which she did not identify but alluded to, had been committed against her. She admitted that she struggled with feelings of great bitterness. In her anger, she mentally cried out, “Someone must pay for this terrible wrong.” In this extreme moment of sorrow and questioning, she wrote that there came into her heart an immediate reply: “Someone already has paid.”

I have spent the greater part of the past few months feeling very similar to this woman. I have been angry. And bitter. And sad. I have retaliated and it has only made me feel worse. Each action I've taken has felt like I've been further dragged me down into the murky depths of a swamp of misery. And in an effort to protect myself I began to cut people off one by one by one until I realized I was back in college, sitting in the rocking chair, reading my Patriarchal blessing, realizing I had betrayed the one person who could never and would never betray me. 

Christ is here when others are not and doesn't leave. I do. I am trying to learn how to stay.